Required: Sense of humor

[JaySimon]

A nurse is giving a woman in a coma a spongebath, and notices that when she starts cleaning "down there", there's an increase in brain activity on the monitor.

She goes to the woman's husband and says, "I know this sounds crazy, but some oral sex might help wake your wife up."

The nurse leaves the man alone in the room with his wife. A few minutes later, the patient flatlines. When the nurse comes running in she sees the husband pulling up his pants.

"She must have choked."

 

[Summitric]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,
'I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?'

The blonde said, 'No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again.' The milkman asked, 'Do you want it pasteurized?'






(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.... )







The blonde said, 'No, just up to my t!ts. I can splash it on my eyes.'

 

[Shredder]

That is fuggin' great Ric. I can't wait to get home and tell my wife that one. Gotta remember to duck a bit faster than I did when I told her the last blonde joke though.:d

 

[whitegold]

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver : 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
5. Weed.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
5. Daylight savings time? Who the hell needs that!

 

[whitegold]

I said.... SHUT UP!!!

 

[whitegold]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid azz blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f----r on your knee!"

 

[my mod]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher
said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in
class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked
if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you
keep him when you took his picture ? "

 

[Thunderguy BOOSTED]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show
in a small town in New Brunswick.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde
jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts
shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid azz blonde jokes!
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the
community, and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and
your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes,
but women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little f----r on your knee!"

Thats a gooder......:d:d:d:d

 

[Stillrockingabanshee]

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.

 

[Summitric]

MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD IN SASKATCHEWAN

'Hello, is this the Police Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Jack Murphy...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve RCMP Officers descend on Jack's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Jack and leave.

Shortly after, the phone rings at Jack's house.
'Hey, Jack! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

 

[whitegold]

How to correctly hold on in a moving train

NO NO, the older guy by the door!!!!

 

[Summitric]

"WIDDLE WABBITS"













A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart store and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,




"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

 

[Summitric]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

 

[007sevens]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

 

[007sevens]

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.

Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going mate! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

 

[whitegold]

The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 

[snochuk]

The Harley-Davidson Facts


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'


God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !
1 There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much


4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.

 

[heavy d]

Marriage is like a deck of cards

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond

By the end you'll wish you had a fu**ing club and a spade

 

[green-horn]

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

[green-horn]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.