Required: Sense of humor

[Summitric]

THE SCOTTISH APPROACH

A young Scots lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Aye, I was a salesman up in Edinburra.'

The manager liked the Scot so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'
The Scotsman said 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?'
'£124,237.64'

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a wee fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was goin' fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he'd need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin-engine Power Cat.'
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'


'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...
'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishin'.'

 

[whitegold]

Four married guys go fishing.



After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend..'


Second guy: That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool.'


Third guy: Man , you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him, “You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?”


Fourth guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am.
When it went off, I shut off my alarm,
Gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

'Fishing or Sex?'


And she said:…………….. 'Wear sun-block.'

 

[whitegold]

After today - no more!





I just read an article on the dangers of drinking...

Scared the sh.. out of me.

So that's it!
After today, no more reading.

 

[arff]

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________



Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.’

 

[my mod]

GOOD DAY AND WELCOME TO A BRAND NEW EDITION OF:

ASYLUM

Today's program features another chance to take part in our exciting competition:



HOP ON A FREIGHTER

and win FREE Accommodation!



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"REFUGEE"



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No application ever refused - reasonable or unreasonable.

Simply destroy all your papers and remember the magic password:

"REFUGEE"



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They joined tens of thousands of other lucky all-expenses-paid foreign winners already staying in hotels all over Canada.

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GUARANTEED to be one of tens of thousands of lucky winners in the easiest game on earth.

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'ASYLUM'

 

[my mod]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all
excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go
in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart
medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course, we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about suppositories?"

Pharmacist: "You bet!"

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and
Alzheimer's?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"

Pharmacist: "We sure do."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "Adult diapers?"

Pharmacist: "Sure."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

 

[whitegold]

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:

All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the sealed booth.

This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling and the device would eliminate long and expensive trials.

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

 

[RETODD]

Do you know what happened 160 years ago this fall... back in 1850?

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real t*ts and the men didn't hold hands.

 

[my mod]

Amazing Holes!!!


These holes are not only amazing, but some are really terrifying!
The sheer scale of these holes reminds you of just how small we are!!!




Glory Hole � Monticello Dam, California






A glory hole is used when a dam is at full capacity and water needs
to be drained from the reservoir. It is the largest spillway of this type in
the world and consumes 14,400 cubic feet of water every second.
















Sh..t Hole � Ottawa, Ontario




This hole swallows billions and billions of our Canadian dollars
annually! The money that falls into this hole is never seen again by
Canadians, it simply disappears without a trace.




It is reported to be filled with at least 307 smaller 'azz holes.'

 

[whitegold]

If you're going to be STUPID

You'd better be TOUGH!!!

 

[whitegold]

It's FINALLY Arrived!

 

[whitegold]

Aircraft Quiz

This should be an easy quiz to answer for those of you who have an interest and knowledge of aircraft.

You may enjoy this quiz, even if you don’t know a lot about aircraft. The answer may surprise you.

V

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What is the biggest advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-winged aircraft?

V

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"I got it wrong too...!"



( I hope this is not to reveling for on here.... if it is.... my apologies... )

 

[RETODD]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This
too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no
idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school
and go get dinner.

 

[RMK Junky]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

 

[RETODD]

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'

 

[sledhead_2002]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"

 

[sledhead_2002]

The
Blue Pigeon.


The
mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in
the City Centre

He
could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London
was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on
the pavements, or drive on the roads.


It
was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements
clean.


One
day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a
proposition.



'I
can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to
the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions.

Or,
you can pay me one million pounds to ask one
question.'


The
mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.


The
next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson's Column, opened his coat, and
released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and
flew up into the bright blue London
sky.
All
the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in
the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed
the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the
city.

The
next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of
Nelson's Column





The
Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had
performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the
plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged
nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million pounds and
told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though
they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he
decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE
question.

The
man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE
question.

The
mayor asked:






'Do
you have a blue Paki ??

 

[sledhead_2002]

DEER CAMP

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Ron's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Ron's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site
only to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and
dinner cooking on the fire.

"Dang man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who?'" I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new nightie.


She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. On the bed she had
handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.

And then she said,
"Do whatever you want."


So, Here I am.

 

[Summitric]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.

Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

 

[whitegold]

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her: “"If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my golf clubs."”


"Now why would you want me to do something like that?"” she asked.


“"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some a-hole using my golf clubs." I replied.”

She looked at me and said: “"What makes you think I’d marry another a-hole?"”