Required: Sense of humor

[whitegold]

Every mans dream.....

 

[my mod]

Jack Daniels Fishing Story


I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass bait.





Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.


Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.




A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth.


Life is good here in the South .

 

[my mod]

Penguins



Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?

Wonder no more ! ! !


It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.



The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.



If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.





The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:









"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


"Then they kick him in the ice hole." !!!

 

[RMK Junky]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!
And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest,
fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

'You missed the fricking putt, didn't you?'

 

[whitegold]

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reun ion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________

 

[RMK Junky]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

 

[goodngrubby]

An oldie, but funny.

 

[whitegold]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH



A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.



He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'



The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'



Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.



There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:




One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.




The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'




The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'




To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

 

[whitegold]

FEMALE COMPASSION



A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.


Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.


The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?'


The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.


The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'


The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.


The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'


The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'


She said, 'You will be when the tide come in'

 

[arff]

CURTAIN RODS --- PRICELESS


On the first day, she sadly packed her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; she put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she'd finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the husband came back with his new girlfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the
place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam
cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought into set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move...

... but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local real estate agents
refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a
new place.

Then the ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing she could have no idea how bad the smell really was, he agreed on a price that was only 1/10 th of what the house had been worth ... but...
only if she would sign the papers that very day.
She agreed, and within two hours his lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their
new home .....
.... and to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

 

[RMK Junky]

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

 

[my mod]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!



An 78-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 78 year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.


'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!

'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

 

[RMKKing]

A Jew, an East Indian and an American are sitting under a tree. All of a sudden a caterpillar falls onto the Americans' shoulder, he quickly flicks it onto the Jew,the Jew quickly flicks it onto the East Indian. The East Indian grabs the caterpillar and eats it. A while later another caterpillar falls onto the Americans' shoulder, he quickly flicks it onto the Jew, the Jew then picks up the caterpillar and turns toward the East Indian and says;
"Want to buy a caterpillar?"

 

[Summitric]

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.'

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, 'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?'

He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!'

 

[whitegold]

You can't fix stupid!!

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired.
The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt....

 

[whitegold]

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.


The sign says:

'SEX FROGS'








Only $20 each!



Comes with 'complete' instructions.




The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!'

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions!'

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, 'If you have any problems or questions .. please call the pet store.'

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly into its eyes' and STERNLY says:







'LISTEN TO ME!!



I'm only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME...

 

[RMK Junky]

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

 

[Thunderguy BOOSTED]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, Or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say
-- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man.
As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
We'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'         

 

[fhe]

you have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
at a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'yes, i am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
a lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'husband wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
'you can have mine.'
__________
a woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________
a little boy asked his father,
'daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
father replied, 'i don't know son, i'm still paying.'
__________
a young son asked,
'is it true dad, that in some parts of africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?' dad replied, 'that happens in every country, son.'
__________
then there was a woman who said,
'i never knew what real happiness was until i got married, and by then, it was too late.'
__________
marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
if you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say
-- talk in your sleep.
__________
just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
first guy says, 'my wife's an angel!'
second guy remarks, 'you're lucky, mine's still alive.'

and now for the favorite!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man.
As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
'why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
the blind man replies, 'if you had put a rubber at the end of your stick,
we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'         

good ones!

Have to use some of these at my son's upcoming wedding..

 

[Summitric]

Let me see if i got this right..*

if you cross the north korean border illegally
you get 12 years hard labor.

If you cross the iranian border illegally you are
detained indefinitely.

If you cross the afghan border illegally, you get shot.

If you cross the saudi arabian border illegally you will be
jailed.

If you cross the chinese border illegally you may never be heard from again.

If you cross the venezuelan border illegally you will be branded a spy and your fate will be sealed.

If you cross the cuban border illegally you will be
thrown into political prison to rot.

If you cross the canadian border illegally you get
* a job,
* a drivers license,
* social security card,
* welfare,
* credit cards,
* subsidized rent or a loan to buy a house,
* free education,
* free health care,
* billions of dollars worth of public documents printed in your language
* the right to carry your country's flag while you protest that you don't get enough respect


i just wanted to make sure i had a firm grasp on the situation.