Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Here is a potential investment opportunity you might be interested in . . .

A friend of mine just started his own business making landmines that look just like Muslim prayer mats. It's doing very well.

In fact he says Prophets are going through the roof.

 

[my mod]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied.. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.

The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my ass...!'

The rest, as they say, is history...

 

[whitegold]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

 

[Thunderguy BOOSTED]

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

HAHHA OH...... :d:d:d

 

[RETODD]

Edmonton Eskimo training at Commonwealth Stadium was delayed nearly two hours this morning, after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the ground.

Initially the team thought it was a prank!

Training was immediately suspended, while police and Edmonton Fire and Rescue Services Haz-Mat officials were called to investigate.

After a complete analysis, Haz-Mat experts determined that the white substance, unfamiliar to most of the players, was in fact, the goal line.

Practice will resume this afternoon after Police and the Haz-Mat team decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

 

[my mod]

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table..

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

 

[my mod]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates..



As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth.

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'


St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'


So the zebra went off in search of God.


When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know

Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'



God simply replied 'You are what you are.'


The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him,

'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'



The zebra looked puzzled..

'No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'



St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are.

You are white with black stripes..'


The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you know that for certain?'



Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes,

God would have said, 'You is what you is..'

 

[my mod]

HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

'A less costly alternative' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor,

'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and West Virginia.

 

[whitegold]

Why Italians pass their handguns down through the family. . . .

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos.

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man...

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you Rolex and say, 'Time's Up'?"

 

[whitegold]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM


1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Bubba,

Bertha, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer.

Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they

attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up

bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell

from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

 

[whitegold]

OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"

 

[whitegold]

A picture of a perfect man.....

 

[Cyle]

How do you know when it's time to get a new dishwasher?
When the old one expects you to "do your share"

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
:d

 

[whitegold]

HAHAHA..... don't you wish!!! :d:d

 

[RMK Junky]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?
The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go up stairs with her. So I did.
We go to her room and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.
Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did.
Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

And here I am.

Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist

 

[RETODD]

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

 

[Mike270412]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down
in one swig.


"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into
tears.


"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to
see a man crying."


"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was
late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener,
and then my dog bit me."


"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy
a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about
me, how's your day going?"

 

[my mod]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.



With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

 

[my mod]

Oh To Be 12 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Alton Towers theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.


Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.


Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets...........M&M's.



What a fabulous adventure!



Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'


Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

 

[Summitric]

MY RANT:

I AM CANADIAN
I am in the minority in Calgary , Vancouver , Toronto
and every casino in this country.

I was born in the thirties, forties, fifties ,sixties or seventies, yet I am somehow responsible for some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700's!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario

.



I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.

All the money I make until mid July must go to paying taxes.

I live and work among people who believe Americans are Ignorant....
These same people cannot name this country's new territory.

On April 1st, 1999, the map of Canada changed for the first time in 50 years with the creation of Nunavut Territory .
The Northwest Territories was split and approximately 2 million square kilometers of the central and eastern arctic became ' Nunavut '.

Although I am sometimes forced to live on hamburgers and don't have a pot to piss in,
I sleep well knowing that my taxes helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled refugee.

Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate...
Quebec still provides most of my nation's prime ministers.

95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish.

I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians,
although I'm sure none of them have ever been to Africa for that matter.
I am being told that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.

I am also being told that the same tax on gasoline is also fair.

Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my
Grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't register it.

I am being told that spending $15 billion to promote the French language in the rest of Canada is fair when the province of Quebec doesn't support or recognize the English language.

I am being told that paying $1million for 3 Stripes
('The Voice of Fire' painting in Ottawa )
by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn't want it or will ever see it.

When I look at my pension and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say
'Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans.'

I must bail out big corporations who drive their business into the ground and say,
'yeah that's ok.'
When they move all their manufacturing plants and jobs to a third world country and say,
'no problem.'

My National Anthem has versions in both official languages.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest Military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing terrorists.

I am not an angry white person.


I am one TICKED OFF taxpayer,
who is broke
I am Canadian !!!