Required: Sense of humor

[whitegold]

Poetry Contest

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate, and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.


The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '.
The Yale graduate steps to the microphone and said:


'SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
DESTINATION - TIMBUKTU '.


The crowd went crazy! No way could the Newfie top that, they thought.

The Newfoundlander calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

'ME AND TIM A HUNTIN' WENT,
MET T'REE WHORES IN A POP-UP TENT.
DEY WAS T'REE, AND WE WAS TWO,
SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU '!

The Newfie won hands down.

 

[RETODD]

Historical 'Fact'...



In 1872 the Scots invented the condom, using a sheep's bladder...however, in 1873, the English refined the idea somewhat by taking the bladder out of the sheep first!

 

[whitegold]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am.
My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she
had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle
wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right
in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out
of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade
broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. ‘What did your
Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay the Hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

[my mod]

Letter to Mens Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat,
I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?

 

[my mod]

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:




FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.




PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.



TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated



HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.



WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people..




EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.



HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.




THE REMOTECONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would-be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

 

[whitegold]

.... so true!! :d:d

 

[whitegold]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading Canada ,

Albertans will no longer be referred to as'Rednecks.'


You must now refer to them as

Rocky Mountain/Prairie Canadians.

And furthermore


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED Canadian.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is


'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


(Loved this one!


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a


'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a


'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes


' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a


' LOW COST PROVIDER.'




HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a


'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is


' OVERLY CAUCASIAN..


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He


' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS..'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in


'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of


RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'



6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's


'REAR CLEAVAGE.

 

[kellyandhislimo]

thats a gooder

 

[RETODD]

Justin Bieber has been quoted as saying "I am this generation's Curt Cobain"

Here's a shotgun ... prove it!

 

[goodngrubby]

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
I was surprised how accurate it was. Be honest and don't look at the movie list
till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your
favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would
enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.














Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....?

 

[Mike270412]

This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
I was surprised how accurate it was. Be honest and don't look at the movie list
till you have done the math! Try this test and find out what movie is your
favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would
enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!
Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.














Movie List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Now, ain't that something.....?

That's awesome!!!

 

[green-horn]

Marriage is like a deck of cards, in the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond.


26 years later you'll want a club and a spade ...

 

[Summitric]

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.

This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

 

[whitegold]

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND

Before you return from your overseas trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway…. Fortunately I really didn’t get hurt so please don’t worry too much, I was coming home from Greenwood Avenue and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent and the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You now how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again....... your loving wife XOXO



P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED……

 

[my mod]

Subject: Fw: TELL ME WHY???




Million dollar question eh??????????






A young Arab asks his father:

- What is this weird hat that we are wearing ?

- It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun !

- And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ?

- It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body !

- And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ?

- These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert !

- Tell me, papa...

- Yes, my son ?

- Then, why are we living in Canada ?

 

[my mod]

Divorced Barbie Doll



The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his
way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls
over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those
Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you
mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for
$19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced
Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is
the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes,
sighs, and answers: 'Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's
House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends,
and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

 

[my mod]

The Quarterback



The coach had put together the perfect team for the Saskatchewan Roughriders. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the US and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Grey Cup win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM ! ! !

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE ! ! !

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the Canada and teaches him the great game of football -- And the Riders go on to win the Grey Cup.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Grey Cup!"

"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says, "You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in Canada . I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Regina !!”

 

[PEAK SEEKER]

Oh my that was a gooder.....

 

[arff]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous
blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.
This is one ferocious lion.
He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."
She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.
The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her.
About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her
feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes
and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.
He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."
He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

________________________________________

 

[whitegold]

Now these people take business seriously

Guess where this is ?









Viagra's Head Office in Toronto (Canada)

Seriously, it is !!!