shan
Active VIP Member
I wondered where the wife's wedding ring disappeared to?
oh
hope your wife doesn't see that lol
Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
oh
hope your wife doesn't see that lol
polarice
Active VIP Member
oh
yeah if he thought the well was dry before
shan
Active VIP Member
lmao...
sunday sermon
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke- Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup- Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil- AliveSo the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!
Four worms and a lesson to be learned!!!!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol- Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke- Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup- Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil- AliveSo the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service
RETODD
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- Feb 20, 2008
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- 212
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- The business end of a Beer!
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- www.valemountvacationrental.com
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
'You got Male!
my mod
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- Oct 19, 2008
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The mistress
a husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "who the hell was that?"
"oh, replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "i've had enough, i
want a divorce."
"i can understand that," replies her husband, " but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to paris , no more
wintering in barbados , no more summers in tuscany , no more infinities
and lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.
"who's that woman with jim?" asks the wife.
"that's his mistress," says her husband.
"ours is prettier," she replies.
a husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when
this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives
the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and
walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "who the hell was that?"
"oh, replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "i've had enough, i
want a divorce."
"i can understand that," replies her husband, " but remember, if we
get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to paris , no more
wintering in barbados , no more summers in tuscany , no more infinities
and lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe
on his arm.
"who's that woman with jim?" asks the wife.
"that's his mistress," says her husband.
"ours is prettier," she replies.
- Staff
- #768
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- Oct 21, 2006
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- 32,189
- Location
- Edmonton/Sherwood Park
- Website
- www.bumpertobumper.ca
A recent study found
The average Canadian walks
About 900 miles a year.
Another study found
Canadians drink,
On average,
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means,
On average,
Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian,
Doesn't it??!!
The average Canadian walks
About 900 miles a year.
Another study found
Canadians drink,
On average,
22 gallons of beer a year.
That means,
On average,
Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind Of Makes You Proud To Be Canadian,
Doesn't it??!!
Mike270412
Golden Boy
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said
I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned
fifty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine
or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all
red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
visits and exhaustive
Lab tests, he said
I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned
fifty-something.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you
think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine
or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I don't do drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all
red meat is very
unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh!t?
RETODD
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- Feb 20, 2008
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- 212
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RETODD
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2008
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- 7,317
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- 212
- Location
- The business end of a Beer!
- Website
- www.valemountvacationrental.com
PEAK SEEKER
Active VIP Member
Thats just eheheheheffffffffffed
my mod
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels it's this. You don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his own ear like this guy can.
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels it's this. You don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his own ear like this guy can.
my mod
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- Oct 19, 2008
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- 706
Subject: A Wee Bit Of Catholic Humor
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest," I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching,quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before,so she stayed by his side. A
few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The
wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
********************************************************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father, Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest," I
almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're
not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put
$50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over
to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching,quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.
You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according
to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to
me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into
a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful."
Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before,so she stayed by his side. A
few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute." The
wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
********************************************************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor
creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and
there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the
creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away, Father, Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to
donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell
me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
koby
Active VIP Member
DAVID LETTERMAN MAY BE IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR!!!!
David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
David Letterman may not get any flak from NASCAR, but I'll bet he does get some 'flak' from the NAACP, and others such as Al Sharpton and the Rev. Jackson will absolutely go nuts !!!
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
# 7 - Pit crew can 't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...
# 1 - They Can't wear their helmets sideways.
whitegold
Active VIP Member
I got this in my inbox this morning and i thought i would share it with you all....
A friend of mine got the canadian map tattooed to his ass, but everytime he sits down quebec seperates!!!
A friend of mine got the canadian map tattooed to his ass, but everytime he sits down quebec seperates!!!
HotShotHarry
Active VIP Member
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Give me a minute to get hard,I just got laid by that chick over there!
whitegold
Active VIP Member
Question:
How can you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer? Pose the following question:
"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."
What do you do?
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Toronto Star reporter looking for a news breaker?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
How can you tell the difference between a Canadian Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer, and an American Police Officer? Pose the following question:
"You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family."
What do you do?
CANADIAN POLICE OFFICERS
Answer: (Immediate thought processes)
Is the knife a ceremonial kirpan?
Does he prefer to communicate in English or French?
Will this negatively impact my chances of promotion?
Is this just his way of telling me that he pays my wages, and wants my job?
Would this be an appropriate time to hug him and sing Koombaya?
Will the media do a profile of him and how he was loved by everyone including his dog?
Is the alleged 'client' a member of the NDP or an Environmental Group?
Is he just a squeegee kid / pan handler trying to make a living on the mean streets?
Is he a member of a gang that is just 'misunderstood' by society?
Is he an undercover Toronto Star reporter looking for a news breaker?
Is he a recent illegal immigrant to this country, and just doesn't know how to approach the police?
Is he recently released on parole and hasn't been properly integrated back into the community?
Is he a victim of fetal alcohol syndrome, and just doesn't understand what he is doing?
Counsel him and advise him of his rights under the Charter of Rights as he approaches.
AUSTRALIAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICERS
Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click. (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
HotShotHarry
Active VIP Member
When I was born,I was offered a choice--- I could have a big[you know what] or I could have a good memory. I wish I could remember what I choose!
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
>>Subject: Baby expert
>
>
>The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
>surrogate father to start their family.
>
>On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
>goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.
>
>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
>happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
>
>"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
>
>"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
>expecting you."
>
>"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
>know babies are my
>speciality?"
>
>"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
>
>have
>
>a seat " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
>
>start?"
>
>"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
>
>couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
>
>room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
>
>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
>
>and me!"
>
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
>
>if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
>
>angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
>"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
>
>in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
>
>that."
>
>"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
>
>his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
>"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
>consider
>
>their mother was so difficult to work with."
>"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
>
>job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
>get
>a good look."
>"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
>amazement.
>"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,too."
>The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
>
>concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush
>my
>shots.
>Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
>had
>to pack it all in."
>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
>your,..um..
>equipment?"
>"It's true, Ma'am yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
>
>and we can get to work right away."
>
> Tripod?"
>
>"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
>
>much
>too big to be held in the hand very long."
>With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............
>
>
>The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
>surrogate father to start their family.
>
>On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
>goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.
>
>Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
>happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
>
>"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
>
>"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
>expecting you."
>
>"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you
>know babies are my
>speciality?"
>
>"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
>
>have
>
>a seat " After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we
>
>start?"
>
>"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
>
>couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living
>
>room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
>
>"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
>
>and me!"
>
> "Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But
>
>if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven
>
>angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
>
>"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
>"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
>
>in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
>
>that."
>
>"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
>The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
>
>his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
>
>"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
>consider
>
>their mother was so difficult to work with."
>"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
>"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
>
>job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to
>get
>a good look."
>"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
>amazement.
>"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,too."
>The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
>
>concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush
>my
>shots.
>Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just
>had
>to pack it all in."
>Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
>your,..um..
>equipment?"
>"It's true, Ma'am yes. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
>
>and we can get to work right away."
>
> Tripod?"
>
>"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
>
>much
>too big to be held in the hand very long."
>With that, Mrs. Smith fainted............
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