Required: Sense of humor

[whitegold]

ONLY A REAL MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid.' Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ..... . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE......!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

 

[RETODD]

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:


To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that. Just trying to help you out

 

[MuskokaGirl]

Hahaha nice stuff! I need some humor on Monday mornings

 

[Summitric]

The Candy With The Little Hole

This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.....................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange ............... Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.



None

of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!

The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[TylerG]

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than sleeping in a garage makes you a car.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.

Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

Vegetarian: Native American word for "lousy hunter".

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Life's like a bird -- it's pretty cute until it craps on your head.

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough

 

[whitegold]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass!!!!

 

[my mod]

A Newfie was terribly overweight, so his

doctor put him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2

days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2

weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at

least 5 pounds.'



When the Newfie returned, he shocked the

doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!



'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said,

'Did you follow my instructions?'



The Newfie nodded...'I'll tell you though ,

Lord thunderin' Jesus, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'



'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.



'No, from the fuggin' skippin'.

 

[Shredder]

A redhead says to her blonde sister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde sis says, "You slut!!! How many is a Brazilian?":d:d

 

[RETODD]

Saw this link on another forum...

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FavUpD_IjVY[/YOUTUBE]

 

[goodngrubby]

Saw this link on another forum...

[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FavUpD_IjVY[/YOUTUBE]

Holy crap, that was kinda disturbing.

 

[Bogger]

Saw this link on another forum...

I don't get it.......................

 

[h.karst]

LESBIANISM
Its not like in the movies
[media]http://www.terrybillandsteve.com/photos/503929_mot7.jpg[/media]

 

[arff]

Two men are fishing on a riverbank when they see a funeral procession passing by. One of the men stands up, takes off his hat, and bows."That was a very nice thing you did," says the second man. "Well," sniffles the first, "we were married for 25 years."

 

[h.karst]

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on His land. They have been hunting a while and his best friend says "hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says "who's that man in the bedroom with your wife? The husband says "what? r u joking?? The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!! The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!! The friend replies "Perfect, I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"

 

[SHIFTmx]

Skinny little white Newfie goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the
little Newfie staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big
guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say
to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just
give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles
weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Newfie says:

'Turner Brown?!....
Sweet Jazus, I tought you said, 'Turn around!

 

[RETODD]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at our country club last night by 1 point.

I not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.

The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"

Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

 

[my mod]

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

 

[polarice]

Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband. 'It�s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'

and over the p.a. system is heard clean up in isle 23

 

[goodngrubby]

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.
As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Yeah, right...You can't even find the fawking post office!"

 

[whitegold]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'


"clean-up on isle 14.... "