Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN ch!t! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT ch!t IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story? -- MARRIED LIFE - MAKES MY EYES TEAR UP

 

[my mod]

A Blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here,' he says.'

'Why?', asks Sue, the blonde.



The boy says: 'Because, I'm the fugging goalie!!'

 

[Summitric]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, 'Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear ?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'

 

[Summitric]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s--- he always was.

 

[Summitric]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

 

[Summitric]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bumped into a wall, jarring the casket. They heard a faint moan. They opened the casket and found that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

 

[Summitric]

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.'

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

 

[Summitric]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time ... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?

 

[whitegold]

An letter from someone who farms down near Osoyoos here in the south Okanagan, BC... and who writes rather well!



I had this great idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.

The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out.. ..a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw.. my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.

I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer-- no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.

The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.


A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute.

I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.

I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal.
This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope to sort of even the odds.

 

[whitegold]

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!!!!

The U.S. Navy announced the release of a senior Al Qaeda terrorist after questioning him extensively for 27 days while being held prisioner aboard a U.S. aircraft carrier on the Arabian Sea.

In a humanitarian gesture the terrorist was give $50. U.S. and a white 1962 Ford Fairlane automobile upon being released from custody.

The photo show the terrorist on his way home after being released by the Navy....

 

[RMK Junky]

Life in a mental hospital :d

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't Talk right now I'm driving to LA !'
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny , how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into LA and I need some rest.
'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.
The nurse leaves Kenny's room and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing ??'
To which Davo replies, Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in LA

 

[whitegold]

Men's Restroom Mural--------Read before looking at picture

Edge Designs is an all-women run company that designs interior office space. They had a recent opportunity to do an office project in NYC.

The client allowed the women of this Company a free hand in all design aspects. The client was a company that was also run by all women execs....

The result.........well......We all know that Men never talk, never look at each other....and never laugh much in the restroom....The men's room is a serious and quiet place...but now...with the addition of one mural on the wall.......lets just say the men's restroom is a place of laughter and smiles

 

[whitegold]

Dog For Sale
Free to good home Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore,
as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy ch!t.

 

[my mod]

Paddy and Murphy, two friends from Leading Tickles,
Newfoundland, were talking one afternoon when Paddy
tells Murphy,

"Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.
Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last
few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three
years ago you said to go to Hawaii .. I went to Hawaii
and Molly got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas
and Molly got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darn me, if Molly
didn't get pregnant again."

Murphy asks Paddy, "So, what you gonna do this year
that's different?"


Paddy says, "This year I'm taking Molly with me."

 

[my mod]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one
morning and she asked the question:
"When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Suzy raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.







Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "Sister, I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said:
"Well, I walked into Mummy and Daddy's bedroom the other night,
Mummy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying:
'Oh God! I'm coming!' If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.":d

 

[my mod]

Talk about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder! I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan.

Having not seen my wife for several months, I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex with her.

Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her head, so I shot her.

 

[my mod]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Saskatchewan prairies
without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what
looks to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a Revenue Canada ID badge and a dull grey dress.

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind
one
ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie..You know how I work....You have
three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a
Revenue Canada genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is
right.
'OK!, I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.


***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

** *POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare
gold coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that no
matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[my mod]

Boss Man..


For all those guys who are King, until their wife gets home.

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender,
"Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken-ch!t

 

[whitegold]

Why Women Can't Fix Cars

I always thought it had something to
do with their fingernails!!!

Who Knew?!!

 

[my mod]

An Italians secret to a long marraige

At St. Peter's Catholic briaChurch in Toronto, they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up." :d