Required: Sense of humor

[Wingwalker]

A Canadian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by a Canadian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Molsons, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she
agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Molsons and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the payout from night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again,
orders Molsons but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him.. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in Canada ..

' Thunder Bay', he tells her.

'So am I. What area?' she enquires.

' Port Arthur ' he replies.

'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'

' Cameo Street ' he replies.

'This is unbelievable..........' she says, her voice quavering;

'What number?'

'Number 20', he replies.

She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she
screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'

'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you'

HE WHO DRINKS Canadian, THINKS Canadian!

 

[Cyle]

....

 

[goodngrubby]

The Theory of Intelligence:


'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

 

[goodngrubby]

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home ?"

Little boy: "What the f.... do you think?"

 

[goodngrubby]

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, ' Edna , I'd like to ride in that helicopter'


Edna always replied, 'I know Ken , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, ' Edna , I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'


To this, Edna replied,


"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'


Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.


The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.


He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,


But still not a word...


When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Ken replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out,
But you know……………………
"Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

 

[goodngrubby]

Dear Mum,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.

Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

 

[RETODD]

A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a most deserted beach at Ft. Meyers , Florida .

She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading
a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are
you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and
turned back to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it
is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" She asked.

"Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ," he answered , and again he
resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like
pussy cats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore
off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her
life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
"How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

 

[HONDA310R]

Lone ranger's last request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured By an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .... "In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request ???' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought Before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with A beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent And spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request ???" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak To his horse. Silver is brought to him, And he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears Over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a Voluptuous brunette, more attractive Than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent And spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief Is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request ???" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, ..... Alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, And Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, The Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says, Listen Very Carefully!!!! FOR... THE... LAST.... TIME... I SAID ..... "BRING POSSE!!"

 

[HONDA310R]

stuttering cat

Definitely a Dog Lovers story....
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade
students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,"
she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat
who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of
these stories couldbecome, asked the girl to
describe the incident.
"Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with
my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door
got a running start and before weknew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary," said the teacher.
"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised
her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff," but
before she could say, "phuk Off!," the Rottweiler
ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.

 

[007sevens]

There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.

"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says. "The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."

The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.

"So what's the good news?" he asks.

The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available, but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"

The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me. What have I got to lose? Let's do it."

So the doctor performs the operation.

A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.

Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the pressure.

Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.

"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"

Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"

 

[007sevens]

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note -- romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he bought a pair of white gloves; the younger sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents first, he sealed his package and mailed it to his sweetheart along with this note:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darling,

I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I were there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my Love,
Hollingsworth

P.S The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

 

[koby]

How to Sell Toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning..

They were very excited..

Their weekend assignment was to sell something,
then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,
"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:
"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.
The teacher held her breath.

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

"$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher,

"What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher,

"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny,

"I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a sample.

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shat!"


Then I would say,"It is shat. Wanna buy a toothbrush?

 

[goodngrubby]

In A Pub In Vancouver, BC

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, He'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's, there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you sets foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another. All the drinks you like actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid.

All on de house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true..

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me self, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

[RETODD]

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?"

To which the Newfoundlander Replies:

"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the phuckin boat."

 

[Shredder]

A dad and his son are driving through rural Alberta. As they go past a bunch of cows out in the field the boy asks, " Dad where do all the cows go in the winter"? Dad replies......."Safeway".:d

 

[my mod]

The aircraft was totally destroyed.
The cop entered the smoking mess but were unable to find any remains.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away and hurried over to his tractor.
" You there" the cop yelled, "did you see this happen?"
" Yep, sure did."
" Do you realize that is the aircraft carrying the Premier of British Columbia ?"
" Yep."
" Were there any survivors?"
" Nope, all killed straight out. Buried them all myself, took me most of the morning." " Premier Campbell dead?" the Mounties shouted.
"Well, he kept sayin he wasn't, but you know what a liar he is."

 

[my mod]

CONDOM
>
> EMERGENCY
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> A Condom factory burns down in
>
> the States (the largest one):
>
> Nancy Pelosi is awoken
>
> at 4am by the telephone.
>
>
> "Sorry to bother you at this
>
> hour, but there is an emergency!
>
> I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has
>
> burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire
>
> USA supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the
>
> week".
>
>
> Nancy Pelosi: "Oh Damm!! The
>
> economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
>
> We'll be ruined".
>
> She says: "We're going to
>
> have to ship some in from Mexico "
>
> Telephone voice says: "Bad
>
> idea.... The Mexicans will have a field day with this
>
> one."
>
> She says: "What about
>
> Canada "?
>
> He says: "I'll call
>
> Stephen Harper, and tell him we need five million condoms, ten
>
> inches long and eight inches thick. That way, they'll continue to
>
> respect us as Americans".
>
> Three days later, a delighted
>
> Nancy Pelosi runs out to open the first box of the 10,000 boxes
>
> that had just arrived..
>
> She finds five million condoms. 10
>
> inches long, 8 inches thick, Just as requested.....all coloured
>
> red and white with small writing on each one.
>
> 'MADE IN
>
> CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM'

 

[RETODD]

[YOUTUBE]Http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2AAa0gd7ClM[/YOUTUBE]

 

[RETODD]

Breaking News: CNN just reported that BP replaced the oil well cap with a
wedding ring and it has immediately stopped putting out. News at 11.

 

[Shredder]

Breaking News: CNN just reported that BP replaced the oil well cap with a
wedding ring and it has immediately stopped putting out. News at 11.

I wondered where the wife's wedding ring disappeared to?