Required: Sense of humor

[RETODD]

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap. The psychiatrist says, 'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.

 

[RETODD]

A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.

To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.

Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,

'E-G-G'.

'Very good', says the teacher.

Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.

'Excellent.'

Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.

'I had fu$k all', he says, 'F-U-$-K A-L-L'.

The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.

Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.

Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.

When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.

Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'

Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.

That's why I got fu$k all for breakfast'.

 

[Summitric]

Little zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything..... Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took zachary down and enrolled him in the local catholic school. After the first day, little zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying...books and papers were spread out all over the room and little zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little zachary brought home his report card.... He quietly laid it on the talbe, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little zachary got an "a" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.... She went to his room and said, "son what was it? Was it the nuns?" little zachary looked at her and shook his head, no....."well then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?" little zachary looked at her and said, "well, on the first day of school when i saw that guy nailed to the "plus" sign, i knew they weren't fooling around!"

 

[RETODD]

 

[RMK Junky]

Call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1200 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Inquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off the sign.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'Can you find me the company named "Woven"?
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from
a phone box told a worried operator:

'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'

 

[Cyle]

....

 

[Cyle]

Money It can buy a House
But not a Home

It can buy a Bed
But not Sleep

It can buy a Clock
But not Time

It can buy you a Book
But not Knowledge

It can buy you a Position
But not Respect

It can buy you Medicine
But not Health

It can buy you Blood
But not Life
So you see money isn't everything.

And it often causes pain and suffering.

I tell you this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering!

So send me all your money and I will suffer for you!
Cash only please.

 

[my mod]

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex .

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone , and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular )

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. He/She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex .

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN... I have enough problems of my own.

 

[my mod]

1. When I was born, I was given a choice: A big dick or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying: 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men:
'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the BEST THING on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge...If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small...

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying: 'Don't take your troubles to bed'.
Many men still sleep with their wives!!

 

[goodngrubby]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man..... "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says: "T!ts"

 

[Summitric]

15 NEW REGULATIONS IN THE ALBERTA REGISTRY OF MOTOR VEHICLES HANDBOOK

1.. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Alberta
driver avoids using them.

2.. Under no circumstances should you maintain a safe distance
between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill
in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3.. The faster you drive through a red light, the less chance you
have of getting hit.

4.. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one
expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.

5.. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive
bodywork, especially with B.C. or Saskatchewan plates. With no
insurance, the other operator has nothing to loose.

6.. Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure
that your ABS kicks in, giving you a vigorous, foot massage as the brake
pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, its a chance to
strengthen your leg muscles.

7.. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. Its a
good way to prepare the other drivers entering the highway.

8.. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion
and are not enforceable in Alberta during rush hour, especially in
Edmonton.

9.. Just because you are in the left lane and have no room to speed
up or move over doesn't mean that an Alberta driver flashing his high
beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10.. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even
someone changing a tire. This is a sign of respect for the victim.

11.. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Alberta is the
home of high-speed slalom driving, thanks to the Department of Public
Works, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes
and keep them alert.

12.. It is tradition in Alberta to honk your horn at cars in front
of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.

13.. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is
important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing
your seatbelt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14.. Remember that the goal of every Alberta driver is to get ahead
of the pack by whatever means necessary.

15.. In Alberta, "flipping the bird" is considered a polite salute.
This gesture should always be returned.

 

[RETODD]

 

[RETODD]

The mayor of Phoenix was very worried about a plague of pigeons in Phoenix. He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of Phoenix was full of pigeon poop. The people of Phoenix could not walk on the sidewalks, or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.


One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a proposition. 'I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions, or you can pay me one million dollars to ask one question.'


The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition.


The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue Arizona sky.


All the pigeons in Phoenix saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the blue pigeon.


The Phoenix pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward out of the city.


The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man atop City Hall.

The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid Phoenix of the plague of pigeons.


Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a check for 1 million dollars and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.


The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE question.


The mayor asked:


"Do you have a blue Mexican?"...........

 

[Cyle]

....

 

[my mod]

Grandma's boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

 

[my mod]

Joke of the Year
















Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

 

[davelaw1982]

Joke of the Year
















Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.

Hahahahahaha

 

[Summitric]

No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,

WE ARE AWESOME !!!!

OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF !!!!

To Those of Us Born

1930 - 1979

At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.

Very well stated, Mr. Leno.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE

1930's, 40's, 50's,

60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank w hile they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads..

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes made with Lard, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank FLAV-OR- AID made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing....that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on..

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were OKAY.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem

We did not have Play stations, Nintendo' s and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's,

no surround-sound or CD's,

no cell phones,

no personal computers,

no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping pong paddles, or just a bare hand and no one would call child services to report abuse.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever..

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. What can kids today do besides push buttons?

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all..

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good (?).

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

~

The quote of the month is by

Jay Leno:

'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of H1N1 flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'

 

[RMK Junky]

These are actual comments made on students report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

 

[Summitric]

A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won Lotto?"


She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies,
"I won 12 bucks, here's $6 - now FAWK off!"