Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3. When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."


The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3".

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition; because we could end up with a dangling participle.

 

[my mod]

A man watching a hockey game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a couple having sex.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.
"For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said.
"You already know how to play Hockey!"

 

[RMK Junky]

A Blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some Rectum deodorant.

The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman they Don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.

Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been Buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any"
"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in?" asks the Pharmacist..

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist Who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"

Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container.........

" TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM"

 

[RMK Junky]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell "Get your dogs here" and they both walk towards the hot dog cart. "Two dogs, please! ," says one.
The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?

 

[Summitric]

ITALIAN NURSING HOME
An Arabic family was considering putting their grandfather, Abdullah, in a nursing home. . . . All the Arabic facilities were completely full so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa.
'How do you like it here?' asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says grandpa.
'We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.
''Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents", Abdullah says with a big smile.
There's a musician here-- he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
There is a judge in here -- he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him 'Your Honor'!
There's a dentist here 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years and everyone still calls him Doctor !
And me -- I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me 'The F--king Arab'."

 

[Summitric]

Another thursday funny.......

 

[Summitric]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.

As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[my mod]

MEN!!!!

One day my housework-challenged husband decided

to wash his Sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,

he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the

washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '

And they say

blondes are dumb....

----------------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying

in bed. The man says,

'I am going to make

you the happiest woman in the world..'

The woman replies,

'I'll miss you........

----------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'

Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the

neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

------------------------------------- ------

Q: What do you

call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

and Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be

men.

--------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you

call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy..

---------------------------------------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they

are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe...

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you

keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the

email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

 

[my mod]

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership and past the Tim Horton's.

Taking off down the Trans Canada , he floored it to 120 kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.



"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the RCMP behind him, red and blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him, no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 130 kph, then 140, then 150 kph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Mountie to catch up with him.


Pulling in behind him, the officer walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."


The man, looked at the Mountie very seriously and said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an RCMP officer. I thought you were bringing her back.


"Have a good day, Sir," said the Mountie.

 

[RMK Junky]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This is the dumbest kid
in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"

 

[my mod]

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 --- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, 'Well your Honour, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

[my mod]

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here

 

[Mike270412]

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven. .

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them. ....

"Yes?", asks St. Peter. .

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani. .

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here

Now that's some funny chit right there:d

 

[RMK Junky]

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey

 

[RETODD]

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -
ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn
it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to
voice mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run
away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first
saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 over-loaded plastic bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to
finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and
hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and
sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the snooze button
from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every
time!

 

[Mike270412]

Some gooders in there TODD!!!

 

[Summitric]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller... He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"



The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[Cyle]

Some blonde jokes! :d

Why did the blonde have bruises around her bellybutton?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.



Two blondes walk into a bar
you would have thought one of them would have seen it!


A blond man bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.



Santa, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dog fall off of a cliff, which one hits the ground first?

The dog, it's the only one that exists.

 

[Cyle]

A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

 

[Cyle]

A Mexican, an Irishman, and a Blond guy are working on the top floor a high-rise. They sit down to have lunch together. The mexican opens his lunchbox and sighs... "another burito, i hate buritos, if i get another burito im going to jump off this building". The Irishman opens his lunchbox and then covers his eyes... "Another darn baked potato, i hate them. If i get another I'll jump off this building too!" Finaly, the blone opens his lunch box... "Another ham sandwitch! I hate ham! If i get one more ham sandwitch, I'll jump too!"

The next day comes around and the three of them sit down to have lunch together once more. The mexican open his lunchbox and, lo and behold, it a burito. "Goodbye cruel world!" he shouts as he jump off the building. The Irishman gulps and open his lunchbox... another baked potato "Its all over!" he shouts before jumping after the mexican. The blond guy, more than a little worried at this point, slowly opens his lunchbox with a trembling hand... another ham sandwitch... "Hey wait for me guys!" he says as he leaps after his friends.

One month later, seeing as they died together, a joint funeral is help. The mexicans wife is crying and wailing "If only i had known! If only i had made a taco instead!" The Irishman's wife crys out in similar fashion "If only i knew he didn't want another baked potato i would have made him something else!"

All of a sudden, a deathly silence falls accross the room... Everyone turns to the Blond mans wife...
"Dont look at me, he made his own lunches!"