Required: Sense of humor

[Summitric]

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.

2
Men are like.
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.




3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.




4.
Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..




5.
Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.


7.
Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!



8.
Men are like
Government Bonds
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.


9.
Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.



10.
Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


11.
Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.


12.
Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.



13..
Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.

 

[my mod]

Once the 2009 - 2010 season was over, and neither the Flames, nor the Oilers, had made the post season playoffs the



management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great rivalry.


So, they decided on a week long ice fishing competition.



The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.



So on a cold northern Alberta lake they began their contest.



The first day after 8 hours of fishing the FLAMES had caught 100 fish and the OILERS had zip.



At the end of the 2nd day the FLAMES had caught 200 fish and the OILERS nada.



That evening the OILERS coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place."



So the next morning he dressed one of his players in a FLAMES uniform and sent him over to the FLAMES camp to act as a spy.



At the end of the day he came back to report to the coach.



The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"



"They sure are!" the player reported. "They're cutting holes in the ice!"

 

[Summitric]

Subject: Rules of Alberta (#1 is Great)




THE RULES OF RURAL Alberta ARE AS FOLLOWS

Listen up City Slickers!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a 'dirt road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. They're live steaks. That's why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 2 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $365,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in rural Alberta waves. It's called 'being friendly ' Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. There's little for 'vegetarians' on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

13. You bring 'coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.

14. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

15. Alberta Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch.

16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

17. 2 inches of snow & ice isn't a blizzard - it's a vacation. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

A true Albertan will send this on!!!

 

[Summitric]

And a cartoon for today

 

[crazy_wheeler]

1. Women are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.


4. Women are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure why..


6. Women are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they say.


10. Women are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


13.. Women are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.

Hey Ric a few of these statement's needed to be corrected.

 

[my mod]

Dear Lord
The past year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze.

My favorite actress, Farah Fawcett.

My favorite singer, Michael Jackson.

My favorite salesman, Billy Mays.

I just wanted to let you know that Stelmach

is my favorite premier

Amen

 

[my mod]

A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,

went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly

to see the horses.


When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that

the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when

one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.



Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and

began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'

to direct the flow away from their clothes.


As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually

well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said,

'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,

but I appreciate your help.'

 

[carter.c]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldnt find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied "No ma'am they're dead."

 

[carter.c]

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stooped for soeeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day." the cop said. The kid replie, "yeah, well i got here as fast as i could." When the cop finally stopped laughing he sent the kid on his way with out a ticket.

 

[carter.c]

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. a sign comes up that reads, "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "got stuck, huh?" the truck driver says, "No, i was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

 

[carter.c]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrows final exam. "now class, I wont tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediaate family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass in the back of the room raises his hand and asked, " what would you say if tomorrow I said i was suffering from complete and udder sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. when silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, sheking her head and sweetly said " well i guess you'd have to write your exam with your other hand."

 

[carter.c]

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. as a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. with out missing a beat... she said, "sir, i need to see your ticket not your stub."

 

[Summitric]

Bill had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years, so he eventually decided to go and see a doctor.
The doctor said, 'Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove your testicles.'

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the tailor, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Bill laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Bill tried on the suit and it fitted perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Bill thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The tailor eyed Bill and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Bill was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Bill tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

Bill walked comfortably around the shop and then the tailor asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Bill thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The tailor said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Bill laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The tailor shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'




New suit - $399
New shirt - $40
New underwear - $15
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

[Steve D]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

 

[Wingwalker]

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you..''

 

[arff]

Tools Explained
- by someone who gives new meaning to the term "rough" in "rough carpentry"


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light ... Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'



SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper..



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



SON-OF-A-B*TCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a B*TCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[Cyle]

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the
other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that
I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else to take care
of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more
important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home
one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a
tiny pair of sewing scissors . I watched silently for a short time and then
went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I
said,
"you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp

 

[RMK Junky]

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit.
So he asks the man his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me.
"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor! I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away myDDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing

 

[RMK Junky]

A man who hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of the animal by driving him several blocks away from
home and letting him out of the car. When he got home, he found the cat already on the front porch.
Next day, when his wife went shopping, he took the cat and drove 20 blocks away and dumped off the cat. Upon returning, he found the cat strolling up to the front door.
Vexed, the next day he took the cat to the far side of the next town -- over two rivers, a set of railroad
tracks, and half way up a winding mountain road, where he flung the cat out the window.
Half an hour later, the home phone rang, and his wife answered. "Is that damned cat home," the husband asked his wife.
"Yes, he's sitting on the front porch," she replied.
"Well put him on the phone, will you? I'm lost and I need directions back to the damned house...."

 

[my mod]

Subject: LET'S OFFEND EVERYBODY











1) Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.



2) Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.



3) Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong.



4) Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.



5) Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

A. Because they aren't going to work in the future either.



6) Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Education Class uses it.



7) Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animals along with a recipe.


8) Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell. "BINGO!"


9) Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A. A northern fairytale begins... "Once upon a time..."

A southern fairytale begins... "Y'all aint gonna believe this chit... "



10) Q. Why doesn't Mexico have any Olympic teams?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are in the United States .