Required: Sense of humor

[arff]

While playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, a man
> became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he
> saw a woman playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his
> confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
> "I'm on the 7th hole," she replied, "and you are a hole behind me. So
> you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.
> On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again
> with the same request.
> "I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
> 13th hole." Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
> He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same
> woman sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew
> the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the
> course often.
> He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
> your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in
> sales also. What do you sell?"
> "I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh," she replied.
> "No, I won't."
> "Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
> With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off the bar stool.
> "See," she said. "I knew you'd laugh!"
> "That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a salesman for
> Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

 

[my mod]

Confused!
I became very confused when I heard
the word "service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, Provincial & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies do for us!

 

[my mod]

A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother to visit her Grandpa.




When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma and bursts into her Grandpa's room ...

"Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog - because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re all going to Disney Land!”

 

[JaySimon]

Whats the difference between a hippy chick and a hockey player?

A hockey player showers after three periods...

 

[RETODD]

Canada Post has created a stamp with a picture of Premier Ed Stelmach

The stamp is not sticking to envelopes. This enrages the Premier , who demands a full investigation.

After a month of testing and spending of $4.1 million, a special commission presents the following findings:




1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp

 

[Summitric]

THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC




(If you do not laugh out loud on this one, your "laugher" is broken!)




A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and

HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".

 

[arff]

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Kentville Advertiser Newspaper in Kentville, N.S.
And bought a mule for $100.



The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.



The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellers, I have some bad news,
The mule died last night."





Curtis &Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back.."





The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."





They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."





The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"





Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."





The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"






Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"





A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Co-Op grocery store and asked:





"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"



They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."



Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a
Profit of $898."



The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"



Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his
Two dollars back."


Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.



They're overseeing Harper's Economic Stimulus package.

 

[arff]

A woman from Vancouver , who was a tree hugger and anti-hunter,
purchased acres of timberland near Lake Cowichan, Vancouver Island.
There was a huge tree on one of the highest points in the tract.
She wanted to view the natural splendor of her land, so she climbed the tree.
As she neared the top, she encountered an endangered spotted owl.
It attacked her!
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground.

The ensuing fall incurred several splinters of wood in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor,
35 minutes away in Duncan.
She told him she was an environmentalist and anti-hunter and
how she came to receive all of the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience.
He then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help.
The impatient patient sat, and sat,
and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?'

He smiled and said,
'Well, I had to get permits from Environment Canada,
BC Forest Service and Worksafe BC before I could remove
old-growth timber from a recreational area.
I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

 

[RETODD]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:


'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked..

Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.


His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!'


The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, 'I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says......................

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!

 

[RETODD]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the

counter and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and

slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make

sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still

looked confused. So she looked all around the store

to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room,

unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked

her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She

asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do

was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt,

removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I did the deed. It was so wonderful, that

unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and

KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you

put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

 

[my mod]

Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge,
burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the
neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate
chop from Korea." Well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and
resumes drinking his beer.
The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by
the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the
floor. That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The little Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he
comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar.
He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out.
The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a
fuggin' hockey stick from Canadian Tire

 

[RMK Junky]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, Became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.
He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew What hole he was playing.
She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole."
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request.
She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole."
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. "What do you sell?"
She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh."
"No, I won't."
"Well, if you must know," she answered, "I work for Tampax."
With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.
She said, "See I knew you would laugh."
"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied." I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you."

 

[RMK Junky]

Subject: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)


1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chip and dip coming.

Alan,age 11

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry.
God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.

Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.

Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.

Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.

Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.

Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

Martin, age 10



WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.

Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.

Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.

Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.

Theodore, age 8

(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.

Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?

Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

Ricky, age 10

 

[snochuk]

100 MILE AN HOUR GOAT

Two hunters are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says," Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes
doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"



The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

[RMK Junky]

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.


Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

 

[my mod]

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
> explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the
> sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local
> culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.
> After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood -
> big, stately residences, no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst
> of all ...NO PUBLIC TOILETS!
> He really, really had to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finally
> finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
> buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
> As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby,
> who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
> "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
> HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."
> "Ah, yes," said the Bobbie . "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
> "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In
> there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, sir, anywhere you want."
> The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
> has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
> hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since
> he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
> relieved.
> As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobby, "That was
> really decent of you ... is that what you call "British hospitality?"
> "No sir," the Bobby replied. "It's what we call 'The French Embassy'."

 

[RETODD]

The Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so
sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've
never seen a funeral like this.. "Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment, of brotherhood and silence, passed
between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

 

[my mod]

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

 

[my mod]

Surgery - Five surgeons are talking!!!



#1 The first, an Ontario surgeon, says: " I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered. "


#2 The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds: " Yeah, but you should try
electricians. Everything inside of them is colour coded. "


#3 The third, a B.C. surgeon, says: " No, I really think librarians are the
best, everything inside of them is in alphabetical order. "


#4 The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in: " You know, I like
construction workers.... those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over. "


#5 But, the fifth, a Newfoundland surgeon, shut them all up when he
observed: " You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, -- and the
head and the --- are interchangeable. "

 

[my mod]

I took a Cadillac Escalade out for a test drive, just to drive that sucker
before they become extinct. The salesman sat in the back seat
describing the car and all its wonderful options. The seats were of
particular interest.

He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and cool air to your butt in the summer. I stated the car must be a Republican car.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican car. I
explained that if it were a Democrat car, the seats would blow smoke
up your ---- year-round.