Required: Sense of humor

[summit7]

Thanks,I haven't laughed this hard since I dont know when.

 

[RMK Junky]

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

[RMK Junky]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[my mod]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabbie agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man! The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.



The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new Mercedes Benz convertible.
HE paid for your Oilers's season tickets.
HE paid for your Eskimos' season tickets.
HE paid for our lake front house at Sylvan Lake .
HE paid for our cottages in Kelowna and Canmore.
HE paid for our speed boat.
HE paid for your country club membership and HE even pays for your monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?'
The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

 

[RMK Junky]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
Or get married and wish you were dead..

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: 'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

A young son asked, 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

Then there was a woman who said, 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
And by then, it was too late.'

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

 

[whitegold]

That is HILLARIOUS!!!!!! I love it!! :d

 

[my mod]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an
Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope

with trembling hands and read the letter.


Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so

Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can

get to know your grandchildren.


Love, Your Son John



PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.


I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer.


I love you.


Call me when it's safe to come home

 

[my mod]

BUBBA HAS A QUESTION


Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is

It true theys suin them cigarette companies fer causin
people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer."

"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer

makin them fat an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers

an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonalds for millions when she was burnt from that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he

gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer."
"But why are you asking?"

"Well, I was thinkin...

What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all

them ugly women I slept with?"

 

[my mod]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.




"What's up with the big brass gong?" one of his guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly a voice on the other side of the wall screamed ...

"You a-hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

 

[my mod]

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.

A man only needs to be:


1. a friend
2. a companion
3.. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38.. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44.. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes










HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked


2. Bring alcohol

 

[goodngrubby]

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess.... 'Will you marry me?'
The Princess said, 'NO !!!' ;


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf and drank beer and coffee and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted..
The end

 

[arff]

A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
threateningly leering biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and
gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as the little guy
bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, " I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I`m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car stolen and I don't have any
insurance,
I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all."

"I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison
dissolve. Then a wise-azz like you shows up and drinks the whole thing!"

 

[my mod]

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb.. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up..

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens..

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program..'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week!!!!!!!!!!

 

[my mod]

Dear Jesse:



You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?



How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world; she has a body to die for, and her current wealth and predicted wealth is shadowed only by Oprah, who even Steadman will tell you, isn't attractive.

But your wife, who recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now the named "America's Sweetheart"; you also remember she just won an Oscar (which translates to more money for every picture she makes in the future) . . . while you were shacking with that tattooed freak, who just happens to be a former stripper and is someone's mommy.



You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated a-hole cheater on the planet! And while the State of California is a no-fault state whereby you may be able to take half of your wife's wealth, in doing so you would only be hated even more . . . especially after Sandra's speech during the Oscars in which she did nothing but praise you. How can you live with yourself after she even cared for your children?



I only have one thing to say to a despicable, miserable, cheating piece of crap like you:

Thank You!!



You really helped to take the heat off of me. Lets do lunch sometime and compare notes.

Sincerely,

Tiger

 

[my mod]

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

 

[RMK Junky]

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

 

[RMK Junky]

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go and collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last nine months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an Orgasm.

 

[RETODD]

:d

 

[teamgreen]

:d

I didnt know that my video made it to youtube

 

[polarice]

I didnt know that my video made it to youtube

seen one very similar at a ford training school a few years back