Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

QUIZZ



I was out with family and friends at a local pub, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the pub —and of course we all joined in.

I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the pub quiz by one point.

The question was, "Where do most women have curly hair?"

Apparently its Africa



Well what would you have said.

 

[my mod]

Subject: Have you even danced


An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an
old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town,
to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from
his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a
gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old
man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and
said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old
fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's
feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started
hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit
to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing,
holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old
man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and
cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert
air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the
sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost
deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer
and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always
wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:


Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid .

I just love a story with a happy ending , don't you

 

[RMK Junky]

THE LONELY BRAIN CELL

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which, by mistake, happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously because it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice,

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"


Then she heard a faint voice from far, far away..............




"We're down here ."

 

[my mod]

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve... 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain.'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless Tit?'

 

[arff]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

 

[RMK Junky]

Dog For Sale :d

Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew him as 'Holy Crap '.

 

[TylerG]

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot...

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'

 

[ESOX]

A horse walks into a bar...the bartender says "why the long face?"

 

[Throttle*Queen]

Nicole, a blonde city girl, marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check the cows, the rancher says to Nicole, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today; I drove a nail into the 2X4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here OK?"
So then the rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Nicole takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him,
"This is the one....right here!"
Terribly impressed by what he thought would be another dizzy blonde the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
"Thats simple. By the nail above its stall." Nicole explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "Whats the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence says; "I guess it's to hang your pants on!"

 

[my mod]

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _


Answers Below, Don't cheat
















Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU

 

[my mod]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together
in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, 'Do you have a condom?'

Donald frowned and said, 'No.'

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

'Maybe they sell them at the front desk,' she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

'Yes, we do,' the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave one to Donald .
The clerk asked, 'Would you like me to put them on your bill?

'No!' Donald quacked,


'I'll thuffocate'

 

[my mod]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours."

The guy left.

A few weeks later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A month later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be
going some place where he gets seen right away.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

 

[my mod]

A > little boy goes to his
> dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

> Dad says, 'Well son, let
> me try to explain it this way:

> I am the head of the
> family, so call me The Prime Minister.

> Your mother is the
> administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


> We are here to take care
> of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny, we will
> consider her the Working Class.

> And your baby brother,
> we will call him the Future.

> Now think about that and
> see if it makes sense.'

> So the little boy goes
> off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

> Later that night, he
> hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


> He finds that the baby
> has severely soiled his nappy.

> So the little boy goes
> to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


> Not wanting to wake her,
> he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny..

> He gives up and goes back to bed.

> The next morning, the
> little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

> The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
> about.'

> The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
> Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
> the Future is in deep ch!t.'

 

[007sevens]

THANKS ALOT My Mod












I pissed my pants laughin, got mad, and shat myself readin your posts:d
Keep them coming

 

[my mod]

A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the
>> supernatural.
>>
>> To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe
>> in ghosts??"
>>
>> About 90 students raise their hands.
>>
>> "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you
>> think you have seen a ghost??"
>>
>> About 40 students raise their hands.
>>
>> "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
>> has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost?"
>>
>> About 3 students raise their hands.
>>
>> "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any
>> of you ever made love to a ghost?"
>>
>> Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.
>>
>> The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years
>> I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made
>> love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
>> experience."
>>
>>
>>
>> The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his
>> way up to the podium.
>>
>> When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul,
>> tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost!!"
>>
>> Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said
>> 'Goats'!!"
>>

 

[007sevens]

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

 

[country_shorty88]

The Old Newfie



After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John's.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, 'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.

One day after her husband left, she searched the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So dat's the ugly witch he's runnin' round wit.'

 

[country_shorty88]

Subject: SMALL CHURCH IN TEXAS

There was this small church down in Texas that had a very
big-busted Organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while
she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said
something had to be done about this or they would have to
get another Organist.
So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and
told her to mash up some green Persimmons and rub them on
the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in
size, but warned her to not eat any of the green Persimmons,
though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth
pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.
She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the
pulpit and said....
'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hath
a thermon tewday...'

 

[Steve D]

A couple went to a tropical resort for their anniversary.

They go scuba diving on the reef one day and after having a pretty good dive they get seperated. The husband swims around for a while but can't find his wife. He comes up and gets the authorities and the search begins.

The next day the husband hears a knock on his door. He opens it and the police office says, "do you want the bad news, the good news or the great news"

The husband says, "ok well what's the bad news."

"We found your wife, she got stuck under a rock and drowned."

So the husband wonders what the good news can be. "When we pulled her up there were a lot of crabs and other fish on her, here's your share of the catch."

So the husband says, "What's the great news."

The officer says, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow and you're welcome to come along if you like."

 

[my mod]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out
During a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at
The same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years
Earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to
Coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left
Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife
Flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer
In his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email
Address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just
Returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a
Minister who was called home to glory following a heart
Attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages
From relatives and friends. After reading the first
Message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on
The floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: April 27, 2009

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have
Computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to
Your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked
In.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your
Arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!