Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink..

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'

The blonde said it was hers.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin.'

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'


\/


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The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

 

[my mod]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch... It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English, can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational....

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot says, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie..'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

 

[RETODD]

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat
























Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!

NO COMMENT

 

[my mod]

For those of you who have never traveled to the West or Southwest,
cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in
dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across
highways), to prevent cattle from crossing over that area. For some
reason the cattle will not step on the "guards," probably because they
fear getting their feet caught between the rails.

A few months ago, President Obama received a report that there were over
100,000 cattle guards in Colorado . Because Colorado ranchers had
protested his proposed changes in grazing policies, he ordered the
Secretary of the Interior to fire half of the guards immediately.

Before the Interior Secretary could respond and presumably straighten
him out, Vice-President, Joe Biden, intervened with a request that
before any guards were fired, they be given six months of retraining.

Passed on to you without further comment....

 

[j.c.higgins]

2 guys were walking down the street and saw a dog lying on a porch licking his balls.

Guy 1 said "I wish i could do that!"
Guy 2 replied "You better see if you can pet him first!"

 

[j.c.higgins]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex...she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles...as he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?" "Because"...she replied.."I Really Miss Mine".

 

[Thunderguy BOOSTED]

These are epic!!!

 

[Thunderguy BOOSTED]

How fast can you guess the words?

1. B o o _ s

2. _ _ n d o m

3. F _ _ k

4. P _ n _ s

5. P u _ s _



Answers Below, Don't cheat
























Answers

1. Books

2. Random

3. Fork

4. Pants

5. Pulse

You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU!

NO COMMENT

Yep every one wrong!!

 

[kellyandhislimo]

So one day this man and his wife were driving to town and they drive by a baby skunk just laying on the side of the road. The wife says "Ahhh the poor thing is just laying there and he is going to just parish if we don't do something about it" and so on and so fourth. Well after about a mile down the road the husbund has had enough of the wife and turns around and picks up the skunk. The wife is sitting there holding the skunk saying" the poor little dear, It was sure a good thing we picked him up we probably saved his life." The little skunk was just sitting there shaking and shivvering so the wife says " He's cold how can we warm him up he just too cold and needs to be warmed up". The husbund replies, " put him in your pants" "but what about the smell" she replies. " Oh don't worry about that, he will get used to that" replies the husbund.

 

[j.c.higgins]

Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracked to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? "Tarzan not know sex" he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said "Oh.....Tarzan use knothole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but i will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here" she said, pointing to her privates, "you must put it in here." Tarzan took off his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer and kicked her in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed "What Did You Do That For?" Tarzan replied "Just checking for squirrel...."

 

[j.c.higgins]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, i no come work today, i really sick!" "Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, i no come work." The boss says, "you know something Hung Chow, i really need you today." "When i feel like this, i go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better, you try that!" Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what you say and i feel great. I be at work soon.....you got nice house."

 

[my mod]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

[RMK Junky]

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES...

Husband's note on refrigerator for wife:

Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.

They said the Pabst beer is normal.

I didn't know you liked beer.

Better pick up some extra

 

[my mod]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soo n as
I see who's at the door.'

 

[my mod]

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ' How
soon do you need to know?'

 

[my mod]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could

have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

 

[Summitric]

THE WIDOW AND THE COWHAND
=============================
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very attractive woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching.


For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.
"And now take off my thong", and he dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said,

"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

 

[my mod]

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.




He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.





Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,

her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.




When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"





The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.



Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."



She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.



The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.



From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"



Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."





This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!

 

[my mod]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would beinterested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

[my mod]

Lawyers



One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."



"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place!

"The grass is almost a foot high"