Required: Sense of humor

[clint/KTM/16]

a husband and wife are shopping in their local wal-mart.
The husband picks up a case of budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'what do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'they're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'it’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'so does 24 cans of budweiser and it's half the price.'


"clean-up on isle 14.... "

ktfo!!!!

 

[whitegold]

THE WEDDING TEST


I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering
me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day the 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lord.... and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed
our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Always keep your condoms in your car.

 

[country_shorty88]

A young guy from Saskatchewan moves to Vancouver and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the
store was locked up, the boss came down. How many customers bought
something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new
fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down
the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to
the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Cruise Craft. Then he
said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him
a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife",
and I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."

 

[my mod]

A police officer stops at a local ranch to talk with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.” The rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The Police officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”

Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. “See this badge old man? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the Police officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......





With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he”ll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs......


“Your badge. Show him your Fugging BADGE!”

 

[my mod]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich .

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky-not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $800.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

[whitegold]

HAHAHA..... TOO FUNNY!!!!! :d

 

[Crazy8]

Subject: JUST WAXIN' MY BOAT...

Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the bar with a
great big smile on his face. Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so happy for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya.. Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. Tits out to here, Bob. Tits
out to here!
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat'? I said 'Sure you can
have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Bob. I turned off the key
and I said' It's either screw or swim! She couldn't swim, Bob. She
couldn't swim!"


The next day Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike sitting at the end of the
bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Bob says, 'What are you happy
about today Mike?' 'Well Bob.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out
waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to
me...tits
out to here Bob, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your
boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.'
So I took her way out,Bob. Way out much further than the last one.
I turned off the key and I
said, It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Bob! She couldn't
swim!'


A couple days pass and Bob walks into a bar and sees Mike cryin over a
beer.
Bob says, 'Mike, what are you so sad for?'
'Well Bob, I gotta tell ya .... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me...tits WAY
out to here, Bob. Tits WAY out to here.
She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.
So I took her way out, Bob, way WAY out... Much further than the last two. I turned off the
key and looked at her tits and said It's either screw or swim!"
She pulled down her pants and ..... She had a pecker, BOB! She had this
great BIG pecker!... And Bob, I can't swim BOB! I can't swim!"

 

[my mod]

Loving Wife



A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.


Inside, he finds couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.


While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed


the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,


then gets up & goes into the bathroom.



While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:


'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!


He's probably spent a lot of time in jail


and hasn't seen a woman in years.


I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,


don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.


Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.


This guy is obviously very dangerous.


If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.


Be strong, honey. I love you!'



His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.


He was whispering in my ear.


He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,


and asked if we had any Vaseline.


I told him it was in the bathroom.


Be strong honey. I love you too.'

 

[my mod]

The Bathtub
Test.

During a visit to the senior’s home, I asked the director,


How do you determine whether or
not a patient should be institutionalized?



"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a
bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use
the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."





"No." said the director, "A normal person would
pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[TylerG]

Why do we love children?

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

 

[my mod]

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, ''Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?''
He says, ''Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.''
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, ''That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, ''It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!''
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
''Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,'' he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, ''That'll be $34.50 please.''
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, ''Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?''
He replies, ''Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50"

 

[my mod]

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

 

[my mod]

First-year students at Kansas State Vet school were attending their
first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with
a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In
Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
doctor: The first most important thing is that you not be disgusted by
anything involving the animal body." For an example, the Professor
pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow,
withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.."Go ahead and do the
same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow
and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the Professor looked at
them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to
pay attention. Life's tough, but it's even tougher if you're stupid."

 

[Summitric]

THE JEWISH BOARD OF DIRECTORS

Schwartz, Cohen and Ginsburg were all close friends since childhood. They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Schwartz says:
"OK! I'll invest $100,000."

Cohen says: "
" I will go for $200,000".

Ginsburg says:
"All right, I'll put in $1000."

Cohen says:
"If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and CEO of the corporation. You Schwartz, for your $100,000,
you can be Vice President and CFO, and Ginsburg, for your $1000, you will be our Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Ginsburg asks Cohen:
"What is a Sexual Adviser?"

Cohen replies:
"When we want your fawking advice, we'll ask for it."

 

[my mod]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have
two
Buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget
About the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just
Want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee
Time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't
have
Time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave
Man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the
pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show
him.

 

[DaveB]

Golf on Fridays

After 25 years of marriage, Eileen and her husband Bob went for counseling. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a
passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on..... neglect,
lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for quite a long time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her
blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately, as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down, while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?"

Bob thought for a moment and said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

 

[RETODD]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless
panties in an attempt to spice up her dead
sex-life. She puts them on, together with
a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite
her husband. At strategic moments she
uncrosses her legs ... enough times that
her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing
crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on
the cat."

 

[RETODD]

"A Lion will not betray his wife.... But a Tiger Wood." :d

 

[RETODD]

ZEN Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3.. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet..

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse .... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

 

[carter.c]

Have a beer!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson