Required: Sense of humor

[snochuk]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

 

[snochuk]

YOU HAVE TO LOVE HIM....A MUST READ...READ THIS!
HE MADE THIS SPEECH IN NEW YORK .

The Plan!
?
Robin Williams, wearing a shirt that says 'I love New York ' in Arabic.

You gotta love Robin Williams........Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message.
Robin Williams' plan..(Hard to argue with this logic!)

'I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan.'

1) 'The US, UK , CANADA and AUSTRALIA will apologize to the world for our 'interference' in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good 'ole' boys', we will never 'interfere' again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are from. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign 'students' over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a 'D' and it's back home baby.

6) The US, UK , CANADA and AUSTRALIA will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while


7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)


8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not 'interfere.' They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us 'Ugly Americans' any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH..learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
'The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' '

 

[my mod]

Be Very Quiet


A father and son went hunting together for the first time.
The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."
A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran
back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet.
I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.
I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder.
I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.
I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.
I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'

" Well, I guess I just panicked "

 

[my mod]

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .












"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[RETODD]

Gary Coleman's casket.......already had his name on it: :d:d:d

 

[team dirt]

Gary Coleman's casket.......already had his name on it: :d:d:d

View attachment 56252

Now that is funny.

 

[RETODD]

Now that is funny.

:d:d:d:d:d:d:d

 

[ktm 13-44]

i just got this in an e-mail and it really made me laugh.



Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
Then I realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No' .
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
' Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
' No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, ' Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

 

[JaySimon]

What's the difference between a woman who doesn't complain and bigfoot?

Bigfoot has been spotted before... :d

 

[my mod]

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine," he said.

She asked,

"How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied,

"Yes, you'll be fine.

It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

 

[Summitric]

A Little History Lesson...I know its not really a joke/riddle, but it is interesting read for sure..... read the whole thing and you'll see why:


Two Stories BOTH TRUE. and are worth reading!!!

STORY NUMBER ONE:

Many years ago, Al Capone virtually owned Chicago. Capone wasn't famous for
anything heroic. He was notorious for enmeshing the windy city in everything
from bootlegged booze and prostitution to murder.

Capone had a lawyer nicknamed "Easy Eddie." He was Capone's lawyer for a
good reason. Eddie was very good! In fact, Eddie's skill at legal
manoeuvring kept Big Alout out of jail for a long time.

To show his appreciation, Capone paid him very well. Not only was the money
big, but Eddie got special dividends, as well. For instance, he and his
family occupied a fenced-in mansion with live-in help and all of the
conveniences of the day. The estate was so large that it filled an entire
Chicago City block.

Eddie lived the high life of the Chicago mob and gave little consideration
to the atrocity that went on around him.

Eddie did have one soft spot, however. He had a son that he loved dearly.
Eddie saw to it that his young son had clothes, cars and a good education.
Nothing was withheld. Price was no object.

And, despite his involvement with organized crime, Eddie even tried to teach
him right from wrong. Eddie wanted his son to be a better man than he was.

Yet, with all his wealth and influence, there were two things he couldn't
give his son; he couldn't pass on a good name or a good example.

One day, Easy Eddie reached a difficult decision. Easy Eddie wanted to
rectify wrongs he had done...

He decided he would go to the authorities and tell the truth about Al
"Scarface" Capone, clean up his tarnished name and offer his son some
semblance of integrity. To do this, he would have to testify against The
Mob and he knew that the cost would be great. So he testified.

Within the year, Easy Eddie's life ended in a blaze of gunfire on a lonely
Chicago Street. But in his eyes, he had given his son the greatest gift he
had to offer, at the greatest price he could ever pay. Police removed from
his pockets a rosary, a crucifix, a religious medallion and a poem clipped
from a magazine.

The poem read...





"The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just
when the hands will stop, at late or early hour...

Now is the only time you own. Live, love, toil with a will. Place no faith
in time. For the clock may soon be still."






STORY NUMBER TWO:

World War II produced many heroes. One such man was Lieutenant Commander
Butch O'Hare.

He was a fighter pilot assigned to the aircraft carrier Lexington in the
South Pacific.

One day his entire squadron was sent on a mission. After he was airborne,
he looked at his fuel gauge and realized that someone had forgotten to top
off his fuel tank.

He would not have enough fuel to complete his mission and get back to his
ship.

His flight leader told him to return to the carrier. Reluctantly, he
dropped out of formation and headed back to the fleet.

As he was returning to the mother ship, he saw something that turned his
blood cold; a squadron of Japanese aircraft was speeding its way toward the
American fleet.

The American fighters were gone on a sortie, and the fleet was all but
defenceless. He couldn't reach his squadron and bring them back in time to
save the fleet. Nor could he warn the fleet of the approaching danger.
There was only one thing to do... He must somehow divert them from the
fleet.

Laying aside all thoughts of personal safety, he dove into the formation of
Japanese planes. Wing-mounted 50 calibre's blazed as he charged in,
attacking one surprised enemy plane and then another. Butch wove in and out
of the now broken formation and fired at as many planes as possible until
all his ammunition was finally spent.

Undaunted, he continued the assault. He dove at the planes, trying to clip
a wing or tail in hopes of damaging as many enemy planes as possible,
rendering them unfit to fly.

Finally, the exasperated Japanese squadron took off in another direction.

Deeply relieved, Butch O'Hare and his tattered fighter limped back to the
carrier.

Upon arrival, he reported in and related the event surrounding his return.
The film from the gun-camera mounted on his plane told the tale. It showed
the extent of Butch's daring attempt to protect his fleet. He had, in fact,
destroyed five enemy aircraft.
This took place on February 20, 1942, and for that action Butch became the
Navy's first Ace of W.W.II, and the first Naval Aviator to win the Medal of
Honour.

A year later Butch was killed in aerial combat at the age of 29. His home
town would not allow the memory of this WW II hero to fade and today, O'Hare
Airport in Chicago is named in tribute to the courage of this great man.

So, the next time you find yourself at O'Hare International, give some
thought to visiting Butch's memorial displaying his statue and his Medal of
Honour. It's located between Terminals 1 and 2.

SO WHAT DO THESE TWO STORIES HAVE TO DO WITH EACH OTHER?

...Butch O'Hare was "Easy Eddie's" son.

 

[my mod]

--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

 

[koby]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.


Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to pizz them off.


And there you have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.....I'm going to have another beer

 

[Mike270412]

--- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---


How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

Forgot one;
How many male chauvinists does it take to change a lightbulb???
None;let the b@tch cook in the dark

 

[snochuk]

After an exciting, erotic, sexual 69 with his girlfriend, Larry remembered
he had a dental appointment in one hour.

Larry was afraid that the dentist would smell pu$$y on his breath so he brushed his
teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times, and gargled with 2 liters of Listerine.

Before he arrived at the dentist's office, he had been sucking
on a roll of strong mints just to make SURE!!!

Larry's turn came up and the dentist told him to take a seat.
Feeling very confident and relaxed, Larry opened his mouth wide.

When the dentist got close enough he asked with a crooked look on his face

"Wooooh Holy Mackerel, Larry... did you HAVE to do a '69' before your appointment?!"

Larry asked in total amazement "Are you kiddin' me?!! Why?!! Does my breath smell like pu$$y?!"

The dentist replied, "No but your forehead smells like Sh*t!..."

 

[my mod]

Lulu was a prostitute, but she
Didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police
Raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made
Them line up.

Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by!!!

Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here,
Dear?'

Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told
Her that the police were passing out free oranges and she
Was just lining up for some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll
Get some for myself,
'Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of
The line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information
From all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was
Bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at
Your age? How do you do it old girl?'!

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear, I just take
My dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em'
Dry.'


The policeman fainted.

 

[my mod]

Irish Nuns


Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat
and One says to the other, "I hear that the people
of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live
in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."


As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yell
"Get your dogs here" and they both walk
towards the hot dog cart.


"Two dogs, please! ," says one. The vendor is
very pleased to oblige,wraps both hot dogs in
foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns
hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.


The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for
a moment, leans to the other Nun and whispers
cautiously.

"What part did you get"?

 

[Summiteer]

Definition of a male chauvinist: Thinks harass is two words.

 

[crazy_wheeler]

A cow, an ant and an Arsehole ....





A cow, an ant and an arsehole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them.



Cow: I give 50 litres of milk every day and that's why I am the greatest! !



Ant: I work day and night, summer and winter, I can carry 52 times my own weight and that's

Why I am the greatest!!











































Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn now --- Say something ............ !!!

 

[RETODD]

What is a real Man?

A real man is a woman's best friend.
He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, invincible ...


.... No wait... I'm thinking of alcohol