Required: Sense of humor

[snochuk]

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE


Thursday night I graduallywoke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down mythroat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of apain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been ina serious accident.

She looked at me deep &steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not
feel anything from thewaist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply,

*'Can I feel your tits,then?' *

 

[green-horn]

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year old Granddaughter and I asked her,
"What day is tomorrow?" .

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Prime Minister Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Prime Minister Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Harper or one of the past Prime Ministers

She replied, "Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the
House of Commons, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of
bull $hit."

 

[green-horn]

The Night Nurse;





A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after a 16-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque,





She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse





And tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake,





She looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing





A beat, she says: ‘Well, that's great...that's just great...





Some a$$hole's got my pen!

 

[DaveB]

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man on his knees, cupping his hand to drink from his stream, so he shouts,


“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full of hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill yee!!!”

The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a Muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer and slower please..?”

The farmer replies: " If....You.... Use.... Two ....Hands....... You....Won’t.... Spill .....Any!"

 

[polarice]

A young man, who was also an avid golfer, found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off, an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old man to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot, the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age, I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally laid.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age, that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.



​

 

[tripster]

R.C.M.P.
A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans
Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he
was speeding, the driver answered that he
was a magician and a juggler and he was
on his way to Brandon to do a show that
night at the Shrine Circus and didn't
want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was just
fascinated by juggling, and if the driver
would do a little juggling for him then he
wouldn't give him a speeding ticket.
The driver told the Mountie that he had sent
all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have
anything to juggle.


The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie
got three flares, lit them and handed them to the
juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car
pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.


He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened
the rear door and then got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk then replied to the Mountie ...



You might as well take me to jail ... "Cause there's no F'N way I can pass that test!"

 

[tripster]

coffee ad
Schümos Coffee Commercial - YouTube

 

[Summiteer]

coffee ad
Schümos Coffee Commercial - YouTube

Whoa!

 

[KevinA]

#### = vulgar term... thought ide keep it somewhat clean
I'm sure if you use your imagination you'll figure it out.

this is a story about 4 people named every####, some####, any#### and no####. one day there was a job that needed doing and some#### was asked to do it. every#### was sure some#### would do it, but no#### did it. every#### got angry because it was some####s job. no#### realized that any#### could have done it. it ended up with every#### blaming some#### and no#### doing what any#### could have done.... I think I work with these ####s.

 

[green-horn]

In northern Saskatchewan, Yorkton to be exact, a wife texts her husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open, I don’t know what to do”.

"Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it, give it a few minutes and try again”.

"Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer really @#!#@ now."

 

[whoDEANie]

coffee ad
Schümos Coffee Commercial - YouTube

That's gotta be one of the funniest things I've ever seen!!! ...green rep'd ya for that one.

 

[green-horn]

That's gotta be one of the funniest things I've ever seen!!! ...green rep'd ya for that one.

Thanks .... One more for you



My grandmother always offered me her sound practical knowledge:

"For better digestion, I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, for low blood pressure, red wine, for high blood pressure, cognac and, whenever I have a cold, I drink Rum."

"And when do you drink water?" I asked.

"I have never been that sick!" she replied.

 

[whoDEANie]

 

[Bnorth]

View attachment 167540

LOL awesome, that one took me a minute though.

 

[DaveB]

View attachment 167540

I am missin the trail on this one....

 

[Rbrduk]

LOL awesome, that one took me a minute though.

Thought i was the only slow one this morning

 

[Rbrduk]

I am missin the trail on this one....

Dave, think church bench.

 

[DaveB]

Dave, think church bench.

Princess Leia, gun, pew....

Nope.

 

[Clode]

Princess Leia, gun, pew....

Nope.

me too

 

[whoDEANie]

lmfao, "pew pew" ...had to have it explained to me too!