Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8(isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7( Love her )

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is .......

9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

 

[green-horn]

The Great Lao-Tsu said:

It is only when you see a mosquito land on your testicles that you finally realize...........

there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.

 

[green-horn]

How do you embarrass an archeologist?


Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.





What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

Spitting, Swallowing and Gargling.

 

[green-horn]

Crook - "Your money or your life"

Marriage - "Your money and your life"

 

[Bnorth]

A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.. "Because I am not an American."
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".
"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.
The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"

A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"

 

[Bnorth]

A country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
​

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it .

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

A Bible
A Silver Dollar
A bottle of Jack Daniels
And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself, 'and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.'

'If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

'If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

'But, if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

'And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine, he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room, he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.
He picked up the Silver Dollar and dropped into his pocket.
He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered,
'He’s going to be the next mayor of Toronto!'​

 

[Bnorth]

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'

Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....

Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 69 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

[green-horn]

What is the biggest problem for an atheist?

No one to talk to during orgasm.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's a$$?

A mechanic.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

 

[green-horn]

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts ReceivableTax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline FuelTax
Airport MaintenanceTax
Building PermitTax
CigaretteTax
Corporate IncomeTax
DeathTax
Dog LicenseTax
Driving PermitTax
EnvironmentalTax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax (too much per litre)
Gross ReceiptsTax
HealthTax
Hunting LicenseTax
HydroTax
InheritanceTax
InterestTax
LiquorTax
LuxuryTaxes
Marriage LicenseTax
MedicareTax
MortgageTax
Personal IncomeTax
PropertyTax
PovertyTax
Prescription DrugTax
Provincial Income and sales tax
Real EstateTax
Recreational VehicleTax
Retail SalesTax
Service ChargeTax
SchoolTax
Telephone FederalTax
Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
WaterTax
Watercraft RegistrationTax
Well PermitTax
Workers CompensationTax


THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

 

[MK4TDI]

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts ReceivableTax
Airline surcharge tax
Airline FuelTax
Airport MaintenanceTax
Building PermitTax
CigaretteTax
Corporate IncomeTax
DeathTax
Dog LicenseTax
Driving PermitTax
EnvironmentalTax (Fee)
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment (UI)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Gasoline Tax (too much per litre)
Gross ReceiptsTax
HealthTax
Hunting LicenseTax
HydroTax
InheritanceTax
InterestTax
LiquorTax
LuxuryTaxes
Marriage LicenseTax
MedicareTax
MortgageTax
Personal IncomeTax
PropertyTax
PovertyTax
Prescription DrugTax
Provincial Income and sales tax
Real EstateTax
Recreational VehicleTax
Retail SalesTax
Service ChargeTax
SchoolTax
Telephone FederalTax
Telephone Federal, Provincial and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
WaterTax
Watercraft RegistrationTax
Well PermitTax
Workers CompensationTax


THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago & our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had a large middle class, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
What in "Hell" happened? Can you spell 'politicians?'

I'm gonna drink a case a beer to that right there. Cheers green horn.

Sent from my Shoe Phone

 

[Mike270412]

I just wish greenhorn would change his color. Can barely read that on my phone

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Funny yes.....could have / should have been done without the kids....

Dickens Cider - YouTube

 

[007sevens]

Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush.
Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit.
Friend: Ok I can see it...
Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there.
Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this.
Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you.
Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl.
Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting ****ting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet.
Friend: I hate you...

 

[007sevens]

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

 

[007sevens]

Who's the biggest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that b*tch swallowed balls till she died.

 

[007sevens]

I could never fight a gay guy. I don't know how to start.
"I'm gonna beat your ass... I mean I'm gonna f*ck you up... no, I mean I'm stick my foot so far up your ass.. no, not like that, I mean F@#k you, damn it, I give up

 

[007sevens]

FIRETRUCK GAME
Boy: Let's play the firetruck game.
Girl: How do you play?
Boy: I run my fingers up your leg, and you say "redlight" when you want me to stop.
Girl: Okay
*Few seconds later*
Girl: REDLIGHT!!
Boy: Firetrucks don't stop for redlights

 

[green-horn]

I am not old


I woke up,
I lifted my arms,
I moved my knees,
I turned my neck......
Everything made the same noise;
"Crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccck!!


....I came to a conclusion:

I am not old
I am crispy!!

 

[green-horn]

Its ironic that Moms ask if we think they are made of money......
isn't that what mom stands for???

M - Made
O - Of
M - Money

 

[green-horn]

I have finally discovered what's wrong with my brain:

On the left side, there is nothing right, and
on the right side there is nothing left!