Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
......thanks
DaveB
Active VIP Member
I hate you guys. HAHAHA. I sent the pic to our admin in the office and she got it in 2 seconds. LOL.
I feel like a dumb tard
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Just don't be a dootard!
Mike270412
Golden Boy
David Thorne is freakin hilarious.
tripster
Active VIP Member
THE LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president
then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied,
"I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure,"
said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM
as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night,
the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in
front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure
that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the
old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The
president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls
and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing,
except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank
of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag
of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the
bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!" After
much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the
president's office (the customer is always right!). The bank president
then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied,
"$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this
cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much
cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied,
"I make bets." The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your
balls are square." "Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure,"
said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM
as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That night,
the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in
front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side,
again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure
that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he
would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared
with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer
to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's
balls are square!" The president agreed with the bet again and the
old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The
president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls
and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the
president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be
absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly
banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady,
"What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing,
except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank
of Canada's president's balls in my hand."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Husband says to wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived
... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
... I think I'll wear Gold tonight."
Wife says, "Why not wear Silver and come second for a change."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A woman was in a coma.
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &bring her out of the coma'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!'
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick &bring her out of the coma'
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.!'
NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.
tripster
Active VIP Member
get naked ad Four Seasons Condoms: #GetNAKED | Ads of the World?
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
You know you're a redneck....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
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After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:
Q. What is a tax refund payment?
A. It’s money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea..
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only “truly” Canadian businesses still operating)
Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
AreWeThereYet
Active VIP Member
The New 2014 Ford - Quite clever this – Who thinks them up ???
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years..
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.
It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners will find it is best to just lease one, and replace it in a few years..
somethingnuw
Active VIP Member
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