Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?""The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde."I'd like her," he said."I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam.
Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."

 

[Bnorth]

Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.
They suggest that anyone traveling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:
Shovel
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours’ worth of food
De-Icer
Rock Salt
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas can
First Aid Kit
Booster cables
I looked like a f__kin' idiot on the bus this morning!

 

[green-horn]

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.
The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

 

[green-horn]

We always hear about how Canada Pension
is going to run out of money!

How come we never hear that Welfare
will be running out of money?

What is interesting,
the first group worked for their money
and the second DID NOT!

 

[eclipse1966]

An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. 'Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.' The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

 

[green-horn]

Why did the chicken cross the road? Some celebrated answers.
STEPHEN HARPER: Let me be perfectly clear. I did not know about the chicken, I did not know about the road. If I would have been made aware of them I would certainly have taken appropriate action and prevented the chicken from crossing the road. The culprits responsible for the chicken crossing the road are being investigated by the RCMP.
THOMAS MULCAIR: If the Prime Minister didn't know about the chicken and he didn't know about the road, how did he know that the chicken had any intention of crossing the road?
JUSTIN TRUDEAU: The chicken crossed the road because the other side had legalized marijuana.
ROB FORD: That video of me snorting that chicken does not exist and I've only crossed that road in a drunken stupor.

SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be clear, the chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! Real change! Change he could believe in!

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was Secretary of State, I travelled that road thousands of times and I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road each time. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure, right from Day One, that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, That chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the Liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish it's lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2013, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2013. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

 

[green-horn]

There was a knock on the door this past Saturday morning. I opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said:"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness." So I said "Come in and sit down." I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Haven't got a clue.... Nobody ever let me in before”.

 

[green-horn]

Rye Bread

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

The old man says to himself, "I can't believe everybody knows about this $hit but me."

 

[green-horn]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read



Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.



It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.



Sincerely, Edna

 

[green-horn]

I Never Knew This.... In the Kingdom of Thailand ..

In the original native culture of Thailand , when males reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following community ceremony:

They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract flies and insects. (This keeps them off his face during the ceremony.)

A specially chosen nubile and very beautiful naked girl then does a sexy and sensuous dance in the center of the circle.

As soon as all the men become fully aroused, the kneeling girls then reach over the knees, pull the erect penises downwards as much as they can and then, on a given signal from the central dancer, release them.

The men's penises would then spring back up and go "WHAP!" against their bellies.

This exercise was a measurement of the strength of their masculinity .... the man who killed the most flies was elected to the court of the King.

And that, folks, is why the current capital of Thailand came to be named Bangkok !

I tried to check this out on Snopes and they said I was a pervert!

 

[green-horn]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.


The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn’t it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it’s a Lexus."

 

[green-horn]

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see
the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my
ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man says, "It's in my yard and so it's my ball now."

The golfer looks at the man and says, "I understand"

He then walks back to the golf cart, gets another golf ball,
then walks back and throws it into the yard.

The man says, "What is that for?"

The golfer replies,

"I consider myself a Gentleman, and I
believe every prick should have two balls."

 

[green-horn]

Back before Walmart,

You used to have to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman 1

 

[green-horn]

Overheard at the Checkstop

COP "Please step out of your car."

MAN "I'm too drunk, you get in!"

 

[green-horn]

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands.

For instance, if they are holding a gun, she is probably angry.

 

[green-horn]

Mark decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an

upcoming hunting trip. His wife was standing there at the bench

watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking; now that we are married, I think it's time

you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you

should sell your guns, boat, and airplane.

Mark gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife," Mark responds.

"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't."

 

[Clode]

 

[green-horn]

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was a Canadian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Canadian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Stephen Harper is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'



'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Allison Redford!'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a frigging truck hit us.'

 

[winterax]

A Newfie walks into general hospital, asks the receptionist if he can see an optician.
She replies "Yes sir. Jesus what's that smell?" He opens up a carrier bag and shows her a 12inch long by 3inch thick turd.
"I'd recommend that you need to see a doctor sir, not an optician" she replies.
He says, "No I definitely need to see an optician", so she points him in the right direction. Along the way he gets lost and comes across a doctor.
"Can you tell me which is the optician's office?" he asks.
"Yes it's that door on your left", says the doc. "Jesus what the f--k is that smell?" Bloke opens bag and shows him.
"You really need to see me mate, not an optician".
"No, I'm definitely sure I need to see an optician" the Newfie replies, so he knocks on the door and walks into the optician's office.
The optician looks up at the Newfie and says "What can I do for you?" rapidly followed by "What the hell is that smell?" so the Newfie opens the bag and shows him the turd.
"You need to see a doctor mate, not me", the optician says.
By now the Newfie is really pissed off - "It's you I fu-----g need".
"OK, but what do you think I can do for you that a doctor can't?", replies the optician.
The Newfie says "Every time I do one of these my eyes water. Do I need glasses?"​

 

[Clode]