Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
looks! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied,
'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
kiss you on the cheek.'

 

[green-horn]

Arguing over breast size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken,
Carlsberg and Kingfisher.
Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.....
.....as long as it's not flat.

 

[Trashy]

A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."

Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes....

Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

[Trashy]

 

[Trashy]

Hun..

 

[green-horn]

I am Dreaming of a White Christmas.

But if the white runs out ...... I will drink the RED

 

[green-horn]

Paddy texts his wife...


"Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.


If I’m not back in 20 minutes, read this message again."

 

[zeebs]

Chances are good I should be working!

 

[zeebs]

http://youtu.be/(null)


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD

 

[green-horn]

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.

He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 whores?

Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because ass holes like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually hungry; and frankly, you'll be on a constant and very exhausting duty."

The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"

Allah replied, "Who told you they were women?"

 

[green-horn]

I Lost My Volunteer Job
I don't know why I was let go from my volunteer job with 'Lifeline', the crisis phone line centre.
They wouldn't talk to me about it. Here's what happened.

A guy phoned and said, "I'm Abdul Mohammed, and I'm going to kill myself. I'm lying on the
railway track now waiting for the train to come!"

All I said was, "Remain calm and stay on the line!"

 

[somethingnuw]

 

[Summiteer]

good one.

 

[CJR]

 

[green-horn]

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma.
***************************************************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.
Oh go ahead...I'll wait... ****************************************************************************

Donkeys kill more people annually
than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
************************************************************************

You burn more calories sleeping
than you do watching television.
**************************************************************************

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

****************************************************************************
The first product to have a bar code
was Wrigley's gum.

*************************************************************************
The King of Hearts is the only king

WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

***************************************************************************
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive
from each salad served in first-class.

**************************************************************************
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.





(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************
Apples, not caffeine,

are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

************************************ ***********************************
Most dust particles in your house are made from

DEAD SKIN !
************************************************************************ ****
The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first ' Marlboro Man'.

***************************************************************************
Walt Disney was afraid

OF MICE!

**************************************************************************
PEARLS DISSOLVE

IN VINEGAR !

*********************************************************************
The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca Cola , and Budweiser, in that order.

**********************************************************************
It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...

but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************
A duck's quack doesn't echo,

and no one knows why.
************************************************************************
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away
from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

***************************************************

And the best for last.....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

 

[green-horn]

SIMPLE TRUTH #1
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH #2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats", but, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."

THE FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the a$$-hole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.


AND A BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex; a friend of mine was wearing one when he
was shot by the woman's husband!

 

[Lightningmike]

no offence ladies but this is an awesome caption isnt it.

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Tapatalk

 

[Lightningmike]

The missing word is harm.

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Tapatalk

 

[Bnorth]

A woman is in bed with her lover - her husband's best friend. During sex the phone rings.
Because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.
The guy listens in only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, Hi! So glad you called. Really?... That's wonderful! I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the phone and the guy asks, "Who was that?
"My husband, telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

 

[Bnorth]

Earl walked into a drug store in Kentucky and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees. She then asked if she could help him. Earl said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist . The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with a high level of professionalism. Earl then agreed and began by saying, 'This is tough for me to discuss, but, I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.' The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister.." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, a king size bed and $3,000 per month in living expenses.