Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

A bright young Scottish lad named Hamish had the opportunity to go to university in London. So he packed his bags and said good-bye to his mother and left the highlands for the big city.

After the first week his mother called to see how her boy was holding up.

“I love it here Mother,” Hamish told her, “but these English students are the oddest people ever! Why the boy who lives in the dormitory room next to me bangs his head against the wall until midnight every night. And the boy in the room above me stomps around until midnight every night. And the boy right below me blasts his stereo untilmidnight every night.”

“Why don’t you complain to the Dean of students?” asks his mother.

“Well, it doesn’t bother me much,” answers Hamish. “I’m usually up until that time quietly practicing my bagpipes anyway.”

 

[Bnorth]

You may have heard on the news about a southern California man put
under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100
guns and allegedly had (by rough estimate) 100,000 rounds of
ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape
tunnel.


By Southern California standards someone owning 100,000 rounds would
be called "mentally unstable."

Just imagine if he lived elsewhere:In Arizona , he'd be called
"an avid gun collector."

In Arkansas , he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

In Utah , he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd
probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a
corresponding quantity of stored food.

In Kansas , he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a
friend."

In Montana , he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy.

In Alabama , he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."

In Georgia , he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."

In North Carolina , Mississippi and South Carolina he would be called
"a deer hunting buddy."

And in Texas he's just "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo."

 

[Bnorth]

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind: every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

~ John Glenn

****

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real, but the moon
landing was faked.

~ David Letterman


*****

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.

~ Howard Hughes

*****

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

~ Italian proverb

*****

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right, and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

~ Betsy Salkind

*****

The only reason they say "Women and children first" is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

~ Jean Kerr

*****

I've been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

*****

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

~ Jeff Foxworthy

*****

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

~ Prince Philip

*****

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

~ Emo Philips.

*****

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

~ Harrison Ford

*****

The best cure for sea sickness is to sit under a tree.

~ Spike Milligan

*****

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.

~ Robin Hall

*****

Kill one man, and you're a murderer; kill a million, and you're a conqueror.

~ Jean Rostand.

*****

Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars, but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.

~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.

*****

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

~ WH Auden

*****

In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

~ Jonathan Katz

*****

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today, and all of the impersonators would be dead.

~ Johnny Carson

*****

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius, and we're very skeptical.

~ Arthur C Clarke

*****

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

~ Steve Martin

*****

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

~ Jimmy Durante

*****

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

~ Doug Hamwell

*****

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

~ George Roberts

*****

If God had intended us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport.

~ Jonathan Winters

*****

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

~ Robert Benchley

 

[Bnorth]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. "Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?" "Iced tea, please," Fred said.. Mom brought the iced tea. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows. "Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!" "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!" "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening. A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred. "Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her. "The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The damned dance is called the TWIST!

 

[fhe]

A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border.


"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent."Have a safe trip back to Toronto. "

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Toronto?"


The agent replied, "I recognized Rob Ford in the middle."

 

[Joholio]

A guy traveling through the USA on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the Canadian Customs Agent at the border.


"May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent.

"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.

"Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent.

"But I can prove I'm a Canadian!" he exclaimed."I have a picture of Celine Dion tattooed on one side of my butt and Shania Twain on the other."

"This I got to see," replied the agent.

With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind.

"By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent."Have a safe trip back to Toronto. "

Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Toronto?"


The agent replied, "I recognized Rob Ford in the middle."

Hahahahhahahahahaaaaaa lol

 

[green-horn]

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?"


Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Trudeau:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the leader of the Liberal Party of Canada!!!!"

Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."

Trudeau: Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Trudeau:"Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque."

Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau, here is an example of what we can do.
One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.


So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?

Trudeau: Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, "Honestly, my mind is a total blank...there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don't have a clue."
Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?

 

[green-horn]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.
She's 25, and her name's Kathy.

 

[green-horn]

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with
me because she can't afford batteries.

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the
worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.


A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says,
"How do you know?" The man says "The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!"

 

[Bnorth]

What do the Oilers and the Titanic have in common?

A: They both look good until they hit the ice.

What's the difference between the Edmonton Oilers
and a cigarette vending machine?

A: The vending machine has Players!


What do the Edmonton Oilers and whales have in common?

A: They both get totally confused when surrounded by ice.


Why are the Edmonton Oilers like Canada Post?

A: They both wear uniforms and don't deliver!


Why doesn't Red Deer have an NHL team?

A: Because then Edmonton would want one...

What do you call 30 millionaires around a TV watching
the Stanley Cup Playoffs?

A. The Edmonton Oilers.


What do the Edmonton Oilers and Billy Graham have in common?

A. They both can make 20,000 people stand up and yell 'Jesus Christ'.


How do you keep the Edmonton Oilers out of your yard?

A. Put up a goal net.


What do you call a n Edmonton Oiler with a Stanley Cup ring?

A. A thief.


What do the Edmonton Oilers and possums have in common?

A. Both play dead at home and get killed on the road.


How many Edmonton Oilers does it take to win a Stanley Cup?

A. Nobody knows ... And we may never find out.

 

[Bnorth]

This guy says to the bartender, "Can my dog and I watch the
Edmonton Oilers hockey game here? My cable's out, and my dog and I always
watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, dogs wouldn't be allowed in my bar, but
it's not very busy right now, so you and the dog can have a seat at the
end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the dog, I'll
have to ask you to leave."
The guy agrees, and he and his dog start watching the game. Pretty soon,
the Oilers manage to score a goal and the excited dog jumps up on the bar,

barks loudly, does a back flip and runs over to the bartender and gives
him a high-five.
The bartender says, "Wow, that's pretty cool! What does he do when they
win a game ?"
The guys answers, "No Idea, I've only had him for 3 years."

 

[green-horn]

Parrot on a plane
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
Hey, bitach," said the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle and the parrot pipes up again: "Dammit, you lazy whore where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut," says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!!
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.

 

[green-horn]

Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip for the very first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna put me on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some floe resant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.



The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in da oshun, dey can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.' 'Wot? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't wearing no panties, cos, honey, dey always look for da Black Box first.

 

[green-horn]

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Become a billionaire
2. Met the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits

 

[zeebs]

The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.

1. Become a billionaire
2. Met the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits

Probably seen Kate's who-ha also!

Sent while using Tapatalk 2

 

[winterax]

 

[Lightningmike]

Lmao.

Sent from my SGH-I547C using Tapatalk

 

[winterax]

Don't make fun of fat chicks with a lisp. They're probably thick and tired of it.

 

[zeebs]

Chances are good I should be working!

 

[green-horn]

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through. "

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. "

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this
time."