Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge.. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a$$hole before prison..................

 

[green-horn]

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walked they come across a sign that says "Beauty Contest for
the Most Beautiful Woman in the World".
"I'm entering," said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
"First Place," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign, "Contest for the Strongest Man in the World".
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First Place," answers Superman.
They continue walking when they see a sign, "Contest! Who is the Greatest Liar in the World?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
Pinocchio says, "Who the hell is Justin Trudeau?"

 

[green-horn]

A sweet grandmother
telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said,
"Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said,"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied,"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said,"No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

 

[green-horn]

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St. John's .

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Newfie asked for Crown Royal & Coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust.....

"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

 

[green-horn]

It was Sunday morning, and the priest had already preached to the adults in the congregation.


Now he was presenting a children's sermon. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.


Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.
In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.


The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

 

[green-horn]

Subject: FW: Top Ten Country Western Songs




10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I've Woke
Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared
She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day

 

[green-horn]

Two IRISHMEN were looking at a
Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.

One said to the other,
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'

The second one replies,
'Yes, they are very beautiful.
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes,
'Wow, they aren't very expensive.
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back.
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'
Three weeks later,
the youngest IRISHMAN asks his pal,
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered
from the catalogue?'
The second IRISHMAN replies......


'No, but it shouldn't be long now.
All her clothes arrived yesterday!!

 

[green-horn]

A woman goes to her gynecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas!"

 

[Joholio]

I hereby offer to buy drinks for Green-Horn all night if our paths ever cross... And I hope they doo! LOL

X2 for polarice hahahaaaa

 

[polarice]

The devil walks into a church right in the middle of Sunday service and everyone was so scared, they all ran out of the church screaming, except for one guy and he never even left his seat. The devil walks up to him and says "Boy, do you know who I am?"...
The guy looks up at him and said "I sure do"
The devils asks, "You're not afraid of me"?
The guy looks at him and said, "I don't see any reason to be afraid of you when I've been married to your daughter for over 20 years

 

[Bnorth]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

 

[Bnorth]

An English tourist was driving through the Outback of Australia when he
noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.


A few kilometres further on he came upon a small Outback town, so he parked
his car and went into the pub for a drink.


He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar.
He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table,
masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said, "What sort of country is
this? A few kilometres back down the road there was this guy having sex with
a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of
everyone."

The barman said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you
expect him to catch a kangaroo?"

 

[green-horn]

This is so tasteless, it just cries out to be shared! So of course who else would pass it on . . .




Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint
of goat's milk.



The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through
photos. They start reminiscing.



"This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now."



"Yes, I remember him as a baby." says the other mother cheerfully.



"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.



"Oh, so sad dear . . ." says the other.



"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21."



"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he
was born."



"He's a martyr too . . ." says the mother quietly.



"Oh, gracious me . . ." says the other.



"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18",
she whispers.



"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school . .. ."



"He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.



After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs
and, searching for the right words, says . . .




"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

 

[green-horn]

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five
women to every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy
to get those odds?

Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

Old age is having a choice of two temptations and
choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow
down by his Doctor instead of by the police.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.

You're getting old when "getting lucky" means
you find your car in the parking lot.

Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends,
and have begun to grow in the middle.

 

[green-horn]

Two little boys are going to the IWK hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule.
The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?"
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jelly and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

 

[green-horn]

You think you have a problem?

What about the guy who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 and now cannot leave his girlfriend's apartment!

 

[polarice]

How many doors are on a chicken coop? Two. Because if it had four it would be a chicken sedan

 

[polarice]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
> State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
> book, she said,
> 'I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.'
> He replied ' Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls.' There
> was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
> just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
> left.

 

[polarice]

teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'


His father replied, 'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

 

[polarice]

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the local Cajun Baptist Church and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They were both standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground, that read:

'Da End is Near
Turn Yo Sef 'Roun Now
Afore It Be Too Late!'

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, 'You religious nuts!'

From the curve they heard screeching tires, and a big splash...

Boudreaux turns to Thibodaux and asks,




'Do ya tink maybe da sign should jussay.....'Bridge Out