Required: Sense of humor

[JayBec]

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him.

So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.

The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the hell is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

 

[JayBec]

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

 

[JayBec]

A guy dials his home number from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh..... Is this 832-4821?"

 

[PINKalicious]

Some Guys Are a Little Slow

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

 

[zeebs]

WTF is a Bonner?

Something to do with a chinese nose???

 

[polarice]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for
their bab...ies to be born.

The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're
the father of twins!"

"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota
Twins."

Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father,
"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"

"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel
3."

At that the third father fainted.

The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with
him?"

The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"

 

[PINKalicious]

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for
their bab...ies to be born.

The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're
the father of twins!"

"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota
Twins."

Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father,
"Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"

"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel
3."

At that the third father fainted.

The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with
him?"

The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"

ppfttt! thats funny!

 

[PINKalicious]

Can people really be this stupid?
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

 

[carter.c]

Why was the meth addict excited at haloween? Because there is only two more sleeps until Christmas

 

[carter.c]

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

 

[carter.c]

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

So are you saying....us farm guys are slow.....

Some Guys Are a Little Slow

"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."

"Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you???" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not," I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What the hell does this story have to do with your broken leg?!?!?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

 

[PINKalicious]

The Modern Supermarket

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 

[maxbed]

Are you from Newfoundland?

hell no!! y... are you

 

[PINKalicious]

This is funny I'm still laughing...

Blonde Celebration

One day a man was working in a bar and five blondes came in and ordered ten bottles of champagne. They sat down at a table then three more blondes came in.

The eight blondes started up a chant, cheering loudly, "54 days, 54 days, 54 days!"

Soon, two more blondes came in carrying a framed child's Mickey Mouse jigsaw puzzle. Now the blondes started chanting even louder as they poured the champagne and had a huge celebration.

Finally, dying of curiosity, the bartender walked over and asked what exactly they were celebrating for. "We have just proven that all blondes aren't dumb. The side of this jigsaws box says 2 to 4 years but we completed it in just 54 days!"

 

[my mod]

Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and
engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect
small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the
'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be
able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him
where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and
can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that
on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to
turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and
horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to
have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased
appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases,
but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find
it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

​

 

[my mod]

BE SURE YOU LOCK YOUR DOORS AND WINDOWS!











A Thunder Bay man was found dead in his home over the weekend.





Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.





The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.





A banana was sticking out of his ass.





Police suspect a cereal killer.

 

[polaris011]

EmergencyCall Emergency Call 911 Oak st - YouTube

this is funny

 

[polarice]

EmergencyCall Emergency Call 911 Oak st - YouTube

this is funny

that right there is funny

 

[PINKalicious]

EmergencyCall Emergency Call 911 Oak st - YouTube

this is funny

That was great! Hahah