Required: Sense of humor

[ferniesnow]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,

"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and

tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the

flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?"

 

[ferniesnow]

Golf on Christmas Day Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it." The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas ! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golfcourse --' She said,“Don’t forget your sweater.”

 

[zeebs]

 

[polaris011]

wow hahahahahaa im sorry but that is pretty funny

 

[Rneddel]

nice ackward pause lol!!

 

[my mod]

Ocean View! A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jannie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there. Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls. Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids. Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants. Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol. Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special. Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible. Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before. ​ ​

 

[Bnorth]

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the chit inside!"

 

[Bnorth]

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

 

[Bnorth]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...

Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,


"Why do you love doing that?"


Because

... She Replied .....

"I Really Miss Mine"

 

[Bnorth]

A Newfie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful
cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night
for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Newfie
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Newfie started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

 

[Bnorth]

A nun is sitting on a train opposite a Muslim male who is eating a bag of shrimp.

Every time he eats one he spits
the head at her and she throws it out the window.

Eventually she gets pissed off and pulls the emergency cord.

The Muslim looks at her and says "You'll
get fined $50 for doing that you stupid slut".

She laughs back and says,
"When I cry out rape and
they smell your fingers
you'll get 10 years
you towel headed prick!​

 

[Bnorth]

Steven Harper was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo.
Suddenly, a donkey jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Harper says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check, you were driving.'
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Steve.

Hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a
big grin on his face.

'My god, what happened to you?' asks Harper.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say to them?' asks Harper.

'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them,

'I'm Steven Harper's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.

 

[Bnorth]

A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.

The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."

The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."

“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like
there's no tomorrow!"

 

[Bnorth]

Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.










St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."




















St. Peter goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.




















God says to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven.






All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"














St. Peter goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
















He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
















"Who, the black guys?" asked God.
















"No. The Pearly Gates."

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Lubbock, Texas, while awaiting their flights. One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is a cowboy on his way to Houston for a livestock show. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Texas Tech University from the Middle East.


Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.

Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair; crosses his boots on a magazine table; and tips his big, sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here, my people were many ....... but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'

The West Texas cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth.....and from the darkness beneath his Stetson, says in a drawl,

'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet ....... but I do believe it's a-comin'! '

 

[Bnorth]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
(You're going to love this. You're going to hate yourself for loving this!)
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you "Peeking Duck".

 

[Bnorth]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed.

They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.




On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint.

He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.




While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.





She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'





The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'





The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'





'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.




On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'





The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me..





How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'





The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'





The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

 

[Bnorth]

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.
He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
"I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache."
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful.
-------------
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in
the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist
and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes,
picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the Bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was
even better than The First time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife,
She's not my wife,
She's not my wife"
His funeral service will be held on "Friday".

 

[Bnorth]

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit
Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: ""fallen. ""
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had ""fallen. ""
This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.
Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor.
The priest was quite concerned. ""You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen! ""
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.
But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -""I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

 

[Bnorth]

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at
Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve
brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then
we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and
hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait
for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do
at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and
Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put
cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to
leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen,
what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes
home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we
drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all
the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in
Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas."