Required: Sense of humor

[polarice]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.[/FONT]

 

[polarice]

One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food, she went to pay for it and the cashier said you can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog, so she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said you can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat, so she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. Next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so she did. She said it felt warm and soft, the little old lady then said now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please!

 

[polarice]

8 things you'll never hear a woman say...

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohh, this diamond is way to big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, 300 dollars is way to much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

 

[polarice]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Hunting flies," He responded. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Oh, killing any?" She asked. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]"Yep, three males, two females," he replied. [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell? [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."[/FONT]

 

[PINKalicious]

[h=2]CRAP![/h]A guy goes to the doctor and says, "Hello, I would like to be castrated."
"That's a lifechanging operation," says the doctor. "Are you sure you want to do it?"
"yes," says the man. "and if you refuse I'll go to another doctor."
"OK," says the doctor, "but it's against my advice."

So the man has his operation and he's walking around the hospital the next day with a bandage around his private area. Suddenly, he sees another man with the same thing. So he walks up to him and says, "Good afternoon, I see we got the same operation."
"Yes," says the other man, looking happy. "I've been wanting to get circumsized for 37 years, and I've finally done it."
The first man looks panicked and says, "ch!t!! That's the word!"

 

[PINKalicious]

[FONT=Verdana,Arial]A redhead, a brunette and a blonde robbed a supermarket. While the robbery was in progress, a police officer walked in the store and saw what was happening. He dashed toward them, but they were able to get away into the back of the store. There they found three sacks to hide in. When the police officer checked there, he examined each sack.

He kicks the first bag, and the redhead says "meow" in a high voice. The cop determines that it must only be a cat in that bag, and he moves on to the next.

When he kicks the second bag, the brunette says "woof" in a low voice. The officer determines that it must only be a dog in that bag, so he moves on to the last bag.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde shouts "potato" to the officer.
[/FONT]

 

[007sevens]

On a tour of Florida, the pope took a couple of days for some sightseeing

He was cruising along the beach in the pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just of shore.

A helpless man, wearing Montreal Canadians jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.

As the Pope watched horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing Toronto Maple Leafs jerseys aboard. One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharks side. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadians fan from the water.

Then using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue and white beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.


Immediately the pope shouted and summoned them to the beach. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions," he told them. "I heard that there was some bitter hatred between Leafs and Canadians fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies "Who was that?"

"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing... how's the bait holding up?"

 

[green-horn]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow-plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow-plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow-plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow-plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow-plow driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow-plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot, and was going over to Sears next.

 

[green-horn]

How come when you mix water and flour together

you get glue?..
and then you add eggs


and sugar...

and you get cake?

Where did the glue go ?


NEED AN ANSWER?

You know dammed well where it went!

That's what makes the cake stick to your a$$!

 

[green-horn]

Can you believe it …. They sent my Census form back!
In response to the question: "Do you have any dependants?" I replied - "2.1 million illegal immigrants; 1.1 million crack heads; 4.4 million unemployable people, 901 thousand people in over 85 prisons; and 565 idiots in Parliament.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
Who did I miss ?

 

[green-horn]

THESE ARE ACTUAL ENTRIES FOR A COMPETITION IN THE

WASHINGTON POST WHICH ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE POEM WITH

THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I'm dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you're not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss;
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other,
---that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet & so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty...and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace:
But don't take the paper bag off of your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.
Damn, I'm good at telling lies.

9. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe, "Go to hell".

10.What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[green-horn]

Church Fart

This says it all about getting older and the whole aging thing.


An elderly couple are attending church services.

About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her
husband. It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think
I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

 

[country_shorty88]

A Horse, A Chicken & The Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned..

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A HarleyTo Pick Up Chicks!"

 

[country_shorty88]

So you think you're having a bad day....... then you step outside of your house.................​ and look up into the beautiful blue sky..................​ and see this!!!!!​

All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face​

and things don't seem quite so bad!!!!!!​

​

Now that's a 'big ass balloon!!!!!​

 

[PINKalicious]

thats funny!

 

[eclipse1966]

 

[my mod]

NEVER LEAVE YOUR NUTS ALONE......

A doctor at an insane asylum Decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, He coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well.

As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the
patients complied by standing up.

After the anthem, He yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down
in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all
broke out into applause and cheered.

When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the
home team, The Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" And they all started
booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer
and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

The assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine until this
guy walked by and yelled,
"PEANUTS" ! ! !

 

[my mod]

The Aussie Handyman Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled. Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor' she said. 'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Frank. They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'? 'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.' 'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?' 'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'. ​ ​

 

[polaris011]

a newfie goes to the doctor

newfie- doc there gotta be somethin wrong with me everywhere i touch im sore.... i touch my head and it hurts, i touch my leg and it hurts, my stomach and it hurts

doc- uh .. well lets me see your finger ..... yep its broken !!!

 

[polaris011]

two newfies are fishing on a lake both on opposite sides .. one newfie yells to the other " how do you get to the other side of the lake" .... "you are on the other side " his buddy responds!!