Required: Sense of humor

[PINKalicious]

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette. When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"​

She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,

"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"​

The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try. The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."
The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"​

 

[polarice]

You know by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it.

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010​ Scenario 1: Jack goes duck hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack. 1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack. 2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers. Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school. 1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies. 2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it. Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students. 1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again. 2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt. 1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman. 2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist. Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school. 1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock. 2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons. Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English. 1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college. 2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for aliving because he cannot speak English. Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed. 1957 - Ants die. 2010 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again. Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him. 1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing. 2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy. This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!​

 

[PINKalicious]

[h=1]Excuse Letters[/h]
The routine is familiar: when a student is late or absent from school, a letter from the parents must be supplied for the absence to be excused. Sometimes such letters suggest that the parents were excused from school too many times in their own youth.

---

​

• "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
• "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
• "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
• "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
• "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

 

[JayBec]

There was a brunette standing along side a busy road chanting "88, 88, 88, 88..."

A blonde came up to her and said, "That looks like fun, can I try?"

The brunette said, "Sure."

So the blonde chanted, "88, 88, 88, 88.."

"Well," said the brunette, "that is fun. But what is even more fun is if you say it in the middle of the street."

So the blonde said, "OK." and stood in the middle of the street. "88, 88, 88, 88-" BAM! she was run over by a car, completely flattened.

Along the side of the road, the brunette began to chant, "89, 89, 89, 89..."

 

[JayBec]

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."[/FONT]

 

[JayBec]

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover

Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."

"You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him!" said the man.

"You did. He fired you." said the wife.

"Well, screw him!" said the guy.

"I did." said the wife. "You’re back to work Monday."

 

[PINKalicious]

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.

• "Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."
• "2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."
• "Washing machine: free to good home."
• "No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."
• "Great Dames for sale."
• "Lost Cocktail."
• "Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."
• "German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."
• "Free ducks. You catch."
• "1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"
• "Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."
• "Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."
• "2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

 

[JayBec]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, "Free Kisses with Fill-Up."
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free kisses. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free kisses. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry, no kisses this time."
A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free kisses. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free kisses this time."
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free kisses."
Bubba replied, " No it ain't, Billy Ray. It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.

 

[JayBec]

sorry about the length
I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.
But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"
Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three."
Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.
I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.
I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!
"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.
She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.
She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.
They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.
They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.
They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.
Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done
But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."
"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."
I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.
"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.
By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.
When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.
She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.
6 7/8 or there abouts...

 

[PINKalicious]

The pilot thought for a second and then said, "I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound then the ride will be free. But if you make a sound you'll have to pay $10."The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed the pilot said to the farmer, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.""Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out."

 

[Bnorth]

The Indian Olympics were taking place in Duncan, B.C. and the next
competition was the Hammer Toss.
The first Indian up was representing New Brunswick.
He grabs the hammer and tosses it 250 yards.
" Holy chit you have broken the worlds record, How'd
you do it?" he is asked.
"My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher
and I am a fisher, have strong arms, throw hammer far."
The second Indian is representing BC, grabs the hammer and tosses
it 300 yards.
"You just broke the last guys record, How'd you do it?" he is asked.
"My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am a logger,
strong arms, throw hammer far."
The third Indian is representing Regina,SK. and he
grabs the hammer and throws it 375 yards.
"Holy ch!t, you just blew everyone away, How'd you
do it?"
"My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on
welfare and I am on welfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool,
pick it up and throw it as far away as possible."

 

[Bnorth]

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took
my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried... Why do I tell you this? Because
of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:


1. Teaching Math In 1960s (when I was in school)

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?


2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No


4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number
20.


5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).


6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a
front for his pot farm.

 

[PINKalicious]

The Indian Olympics were taking place in Duncan,B.C. and the next
competition was the Hammer Toss.
The first Indian up was representing New Brunswick.
He grabs thehammer and tosses it 250 yards.
" Holy chit you have broken the worlds record, How'd
you do it?" heis asked.
"My grandfather was a fisher, my father is a fisher
and I am afisher,have strong arms, throw hammer far."
The second Indian is representing BC, grabs the hammer and tosses
it 300 yards.
"You just broke the last guys record, How'd you doit?" he is asked.
"My grandfather was a logger, my father is a logger and I am alogger,
strong arms, throw hammer far."
The third Indian is representing Regina,SK. and he
grabs the hammerand throws it 375 yards.
"Holy ch!t, you just blew everyone away, How'd you
do it?"
"My grandfather was on welfare, my father is on
welfare and I am onwelfare. I was taught that if I ever see a tool,
pick it up andthrow it as far away as possible."

hahaha that is funny!

 

[polarice]

so as i five years old as i was colouring in my colouring book with my crayons thinking and how i was dissappointed in myself .. cause two years earlier i so did not see me still doing this two years later

 

[eclipse1966]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
>
> A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?"
>
> The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland?"
>
> The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
>
> Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
>
> The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
>
> The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage, why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland?"
>
> The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware."
>

 

[maxbed]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
>
> A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?"
>
> The shop assistant asks, "Are you from Newfoundland?"
>
> The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something, If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
>
> Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
>
> The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
>
> The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage, why did you ask me if I'm from Newfoundland?"
>
> The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Hardware."
>

haha so true!!!!

 

[maxbed]

what happened to the chinese guy that walked into the wall with a bonner?
he crushed his nose!!!

 

[Summiteer]

what happened to the chinese guy that walked into the wall with a bonner?
he crushed his nose!!!

Are you from Newfoundland?

 

[zeebs]

are you from newfoundland?

lmfao

 

[Summiteer]

Are you from Newfoundland?

WTF is a Bonner?