Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

The Government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Beaver to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.



A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!



Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

 

[PINKalicious]

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

 

[polarice]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"[/FONT]

 

[polarice]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 

[polarice]

One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a community service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some."

 

[PINKalicious]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone,
the guy says: "OK, now what?" written by beavus and butt head​

 

[underdog]

Saw this on another forum. I wish I had the power to do this.

 

[Mike270412]

Saw this on another forum. I wish I had the power to do this.

That's awesome!

 

[zeebs]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.
I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
So, I hung upside-down from the ceiling and made funny noises.
My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.
A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of GOD are you doing?'
I told him I was a light bulb.
He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
I jumped down and walked out of the office...
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, 'And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!!'

 

[PINKalicious]

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

 

[Bnorth]

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..


After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.



So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.



So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said,would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.



After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the


young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.



When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fuggin' towel!'

 

[Bnorth]

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!
I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Fords
and
voted for Obama."

 

[eclipse1966]

It's that awkward moment...



...when you realize that your friend's fat arm makes you look naked in the office party photo.

 

[PINKalicious]

Omg that is crazy lol

 

[eclipse1966]

A Scot is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone

and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects

he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.

The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to

know what they are celebrating.

"Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Scots baby boy weighing 25

pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the

Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Scotland. Like I said, my boy is

a typical Scots boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and one woman even fainted due

to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Scotsman returns to the bar. The barman says "You're the father

of that typical Scots baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's

been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So -

how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers: "17 pounds."

The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds

the day he was born!"

The Scottish father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips

on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!"

 

[PINKalicious]

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket. Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".​

 

[polarice]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the manycanyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds ofindians. They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that thereare hundreds of indians ahead of them. Wheeling to the left they, onceagain, see hundreds of indians rising from the hill. They begin to back awayin the direction from which they had come and they realise, they weresurrounded. The indians had spread out. They were trapped. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto,my firend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times togetherbut now I think we are doomed"." We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"

 

[polarice]

NoticeTo make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important NoticeAbout Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for youto notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On theother hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is verynoticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have beennoticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the noticesand respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.--NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES

 

[polarice]

The tri stages of sex in marriage- 1.Tri-weekly 2.Try-weekly 3.Try-weakly

 

[polarice]

Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and NobodyThis is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybodyand Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.