Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?" "Eight," the boy replied. The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV
Bnorth
Active VIP Member
A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he
needs some Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give dad when his $h!t won't get hard?!?"
needs some Viagra.
The mom asks, "Why on earth do you need that?"
The little boy replies, "Isn't that what you give dad when his $h!t won't get hard?!?"
mudd kitty
Active VIP Member
Hahahahahahahahahahaha OMG best mama joke EVER!!!!!!.................... I mean that's horrible.....
Posted from my BlackBerry using BerryBlab
PINKalicious
Active VIP Member
[FONT=Verdana, Arial]A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"[/FONT]
Rneddel
Active VIP Member
typical haha
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
"Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
the other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish.
"Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?"
the other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
PINKalicious
Active VIP Member
A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, "Can you help me when you get home?" "Sure," he replies. "What's the problem?"
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
"Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can't even find the edge pieces." "Look on the box," he said. "There's always a picture of what the puzzle is." "It's a big rooster," she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, "Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box."
zeebs
Active VIP Member
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
> Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
> service
> for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to
> be
> at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
>
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
> typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
> gone
> and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
> There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
> felt
> badly and apologized to the men for being late.
>
> I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
> already in place.
>
> I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put
> down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
> and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
> never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
> Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
> together.
>
> When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
> my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I
> heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
> and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>
> Apparently I'm still lost.
>
> It's a man thing.
> Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
> service
> for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to
> be
> at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.
>
> As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
> typical male, I didn't stop for directions.
> I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
> gone
> and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
> There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I
> felt
> badly and apologized to the men for being late.
>
> I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was
> already in place.
>
> I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put
> down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart
> and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've
> never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing
> Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept
> together.
>
> When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though
> my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I
> heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before
> and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
>
> Apparently I'm still lost.
>
> It's a man thing.
PINKalicious
Active VIP Member
Blonde getting a Car
One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.
She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!
She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"
He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to ch!t yourself when hear the price!"
One day a blonde walks into a car shop. She looks around to see if she can find the perfect car for herself.
She finds a beautiful car with fine leather, but as she bends over to feel it she lets out a fart!
She looks around to see if anyone noticed, but as she turns she sees the sales guy is behind her so she askes him "How much is this car"
He replies back "Miss, If you farted just by touching the leather you're going to ch!t yourself when hear the price!"
PINKalicious
Active VIP Member
A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
The Back Pew
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.
Gotta love those old folks
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
The entire congregation said, "Amen.
Gotta love those old folks
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Newfie: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF CONDOMS PLEASE. CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Newfie: NAH... SHE’S NOT THAT UGLY!!
Newfie: NAH... SHE’S NOT THAT UGLY!!
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Inner Peace
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should finish things we started & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!
I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A Dr. on TV said to have inner peace we should finish things we started & we all could use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished, so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!
green-horn
Active VIP Member
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Two Guys from Alberta are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
One says, "Did you know that elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy ,
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual
favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open
the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her
from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have
no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual
favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed
forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000. The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home. The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????" The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
I was standing at a bar in downtown Vancouver and this Chinese guy comes in
and stands next to me
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial art things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
“No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slant eyed little prick"
and stands next to me
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial art things, like Kung-Fu,
Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee”?
“No”, I say, "It’s because you’re drinking my beer you slant eyed little prick"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
I love CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,
they remind me of immigrants .
They all hang together , half of the buggers don't work,
and the ones that do aren't that bright.
they remind me of immigrants .
They all hang together , half of the buggers don't work,
and the ones that do aren't that bright.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival,the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch
Upon their arrival,the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch
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