Required: Sense of humor

[Bnorth]

My small grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa"
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey, and women with big t!!s."

 

[Bnorth]

If 2 people have sex...................it's called a twosome!

If 3 people have sex...................it's called a threesome!






Now I know why they call you HANDSOME!!

 

[dirtygirll]

If 2 people have sex...................it's called a twosome!

If 3 people have sex...................it's called a threesome!






Now I know why they call you HANDSOME!!

That's great!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk cause my phone is glued to my hand

 

[eclipse1966]

A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM

(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)​

Of course I loves ya darling​

You're a bloody top notch bird​

And when I say yer gorgeous​

I means every single word​

So yer arse is on the big side​

I don't mind a bit of flab​

It means that when I'm ready​

There's somethin there to grab​

So yer belly isn't flat no more​

I tell ya, I don't care​

So long as when I cuddle ya​

I can get my arms round dere​

I'm tellin ya the truth now​

I never tells ya lies​

I think its very sexy​

Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs​

I swear on me grannies grave​

From the moment that we met​

I thought you was as good as​

I was ever gonna get​

No matter what you look like​

I'll always love ya dear​

Now shut up while the hockey's on​

And get me a nudder beer.​

Doesnt it just bring a tear to the eye?​

 

[talkinghamster]

why do chicken coops only have two doors??


because if they had any more it would be a chicken sedan...

*bu-dummm-tishhhhhhh*

 

[underdog]

why do chicken coops only have two doors??


because if they had any more it would be a chicken sedan...

*bu-dummm-tishhhhhhh*

 

[JaySimon]

why do chicken coops only have two doors??


because if they had any more it would be a chicken sedan...

*bu-dummm-tishhhhhhh*

 

[my mod]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There. That, should piss off just about everybody.

​

 

[underdog]

Oil Change instructions for Women:



1. Pull up to GM Dealership when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.



2. Drink a cup of coffee.



3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.



Money spent:


Oil Change:$24.00


Coffee: Complementary


TOTAL: $24.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:



1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree,and use your debit card for $50.00.



2. Stop by Beer Store and buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home



3. Open a beer and drink it.



4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands



5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.



6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it



7. Place drain pan under engine.



8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.



9. Give up and use crescent wrench.



10. Unscrew drain plug.



11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.



12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.



13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.



14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.



15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off..



16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.



17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface



18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.



19. Remember drain plug from step 11.



20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.



21. Drink beer.



22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.



23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.



24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.



25. Begin cussing fit.



26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.



27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.



28. Beer.



29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.



30. Beer.



31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.



32. Beer.



33. Lower truck from jack stands.



34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.



35. Beer.



36. Test drive truck.



37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.



38. truck gets impounded.



39. Call loving wife, make bail.



40. 12 hours later, get truck from impound yard.

Money spent:



Parts: $50.00



DUI: $2,500.00



Impound fee: $75.00



Bail: $1,500.00



Beer: $20.00



TOTAL: $4,145.00




But you know the job was done right!​

 

[dirtygirll]

Great joke underdog.

 

[maxbed]

you wanna hear a joke?

women's rights!!! haha

 

[dirtygirll]

you wanna hear a joke?

women's rights!!! haha

Oh fawking funny!!

 

[maxbed]

Oh fawking funny!!

thanks... i try

 

[Bnorth]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man. "And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor. "We're getting granite countertops."

 

[Bnorth]

An Irishman went to Confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Kitty Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Kitty Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Kitty Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest.. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.

At mass the next Christmas morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,

'Is that Kitty Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

[ferniesnow]

SIMPLE TRUTH 1 Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats". But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job". Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated” No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me! A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down. 'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the distance without answering. 'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again. The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

 

[PINKalicious]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

 

[dirtygirll]

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown

LOVE this.

 

[PINKalicious]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

[Bnorth]

I was in the bus stand this morning and there was a call-in program on the radio. This man said that a lady bought a new car from a garage (garage named not mentioned) and could only get it to drive in the day... don't care how she tried she could never get it to drive at night. The lady called the garage which sent one of its mechanics.



The mechanic went to the lady's house at 7 pm this particular night and asked her to come with him. He started the car and drove it. The lady was pleased, however the mechanic asked her what she was doing.



The lady replied, I put the shift in D during the day and N at night