Required: Sense of humor

[ferniesnow]

"Old Farmer's Advice"
“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”
“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”

 

[my mod]

I Did Not Know This When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice it can give you heart problems. When you drink Gin over ice it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you....... WARN ALL YOUR FRIENDS!!!!!!!!!

---

 

[my mod]

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS​ Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape..​ · My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace..​ · The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.​ · My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.​ · My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.​ · I had no control over the drooling.​ · Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.​ · I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.​ I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!!​

 

[snochuk]

Ray is Gay. He goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, ' Ray, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.' Ray is devastated. 'Doc, what can I do?' 'Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice'. Ray asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?' Doc says, 'No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your azz is for'.

 

[ferniesnow]

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky-panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say, Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night,having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not "do it."

Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started, he pulls the first strap on her nightie. She blushes just as red as the nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition. In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has seen up close since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button, gravity having taken its toll over some sixty years. He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going to have to be helped a little more, so he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart.
With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, " Chester , I have acute angina."
Chester says, "I hope so, 'cause you've sure got some ugly boobs."

 

[eclipse1966]

An Entrepreneurial Business Deal : A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38. The Jew, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50..00 for them. The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each. The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?" The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each." "Business is Business" ​ ​ ​

​

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he
is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she
cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My
darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry
flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to
sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for
her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try
something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks
her.... 'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?

 

[my mod]

Alabama​

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day. That night,
one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple
of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry layin' out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured
no one's gonna steal Henry!"

Georgia​

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was
confused about paying an invoice, so he
decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all
graduated from the University of Georgia and
I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000,
minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then
replied, "Everthang but my earrings."

Louisiana​

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard
saying ... "When the end of the world comes,
I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in
Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of
the world."

Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running
into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell,
but I got the license number."

North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled
off on the side of the road, and proceeded to
put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car
and one behind it. Then he got back in the
car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by,
and was so curious he turned around and
went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the
flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down
they tell you to put flares in the front and
flares in the back. I never did understand
it neither."

Tennessee​

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a
pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The
Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage
in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over
your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "

***
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.​

____________________________________________________________

 

[country_shorty88]

Boy! Ain't this the truth!​

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide..​

Let’s have a look at the evidence:​

- No Christmas?​

- No television?​

-No Easter bunny?​

- No nude women!?!​

- No football?​

- No pork chops?​

- No hot dogs?​

- No burgers?​

- No beer!?!​

- No bacon?​

- Rags for clothes?​

- Towels for hats?​

- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower 5 times a day?​

- Having 4 wives?​

- Having 4 mothers in law?​

- You can't shave?​

- Your wife can't shave?​

- You can't wash off the smell of your donkey?​

- You wipe your arse with your left hand?​

- You cook over burning camel ch!t?​

- Your wives are picked by someone else for you?​

- and they all smell worse than your donkey?​

​

Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"?​

Well no ch!t Sherlock!.... It's not like it could get much worse… !​

 

[country_shorty88]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize . . ... ​ I emailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he emailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.

 

[Bnorth]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.












The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this ch!t but me."

 

[country_shorty88]

AAADD


KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better,even though I have it!!

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the waste basket under the table,
And notice that the basket is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the rubbish anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table,
And see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques,
But first I need to push the Coke aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over..

The Coke is getting warm ,
And I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Coke on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all darn day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it,
But first I'll check my e-mail...

Do me a favour.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
Because I don't remember who the heck I've sent it to.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming​

 

[Bnorth]

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Canada . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.


He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

 

[Bnorth]

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.


One day a young man enters the store.

Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please!", the man says.

The shop assistant climbs up the ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.






The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.







When she descends the ladder, he decides that he would really like two loaves.






After she retrieves the second loaf of bread and decends the ladder, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.







After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"







Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man,
"Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

 

[Bnorth]

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

[my mod]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, ‘Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don't want to go to Iraq either !!!

 

[my mod]

N ew information on shampoos:I have just discovered this important information below. Please share with all your friends.



I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!!!!!



It's the shampoo I use in the shower!



When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body.



Printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning, "FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY."



No WONDER I have been gaining weight!!!



Well, I have got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dish Washing Liquid instead.



It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."



Problem solved!







































If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!

 

[my mod]

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.





They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."


The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.


My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."


The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future".

 

[Bnorth]

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says,'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides'

 

[eclipse1966]

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?' About 40 students raise their hands. That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?' About 15 students raise their hand. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?' Three students raise their hands. That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?' Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture; no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.' The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost? Ahmed replied, "ch!t, from way back there, I thought you said Goats."