Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

 

[green-horn]

A NEWFOUNDLAND LOVE POEM
(And who said Newfoundlanders weren't romantic?)

Of course I loves ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say yer gorgeous
I means every single word

So yer arse is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So yer belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round dere


I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tells ya lies
I think its very sexy
Dat you've got dimples on yer thighs

I swear on me grannies grave
From the moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the hockey's on
And get me a nudder beer.

 

[whitegold]

The Royal Canadian Mint announced that they are going to take the polar bear off the toonie and replace it with two gay deer.

Instead of a "toonie" it will then be called " two f---ing bucks . "

 

[my mod]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and
more people who send text messages and emails have long
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Those of you who fall into this world, please take note of the
statement below. I cannot stress enough how grammar is very
important to it.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack
off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Is everybody clear on that?

 

[green-horn]

Why do Indians [ ok natives] hate snow?



It's white and Stole their land!!

 

[green-horn]

Elton John and David Furnish decide to have a baby.

They mix their sperm together and have a Surrogate mother artificially
inseminated with it.

When the baby was born, they rush to the hospital.

A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and
screaming but over in the corner, one baby is smiling Serenely.

A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points
out the happy child is theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful!" Elton says to David. "All these unhappy babies
and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay
love!"

The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when I pull the thermometer out of his a$$".

 

[heavy d]

Best pub sign ever...

 

[heavy d]

I saw a one legged Indian with no arms at the ATM today.



He asked me to check his balance.......so I pushed the f*cker over.

 

[polcat]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Why are polaris snowmobiles and babies alike.
A: They both love rattles.

Q: How do you get a polaris rider exited.
A: Tell them their sled is ready for pickup at the repair shop.

Q: Why did the cat burn its belt up.
A: From towing 7 polaris sleds at one time.

Q: How do you make a polaris go fast.
A: Tow it behind a cat.

Q. How Do You Make a Polaris rider happy?
A. slip an arctic cat engine under his hood


Q:What do you call a polaris on a lake?
A: A summer submarine

Q: What do you call a polaris that runs.
A: A miracle

Q: Why do people buy polaris snowmobiles.
A: It gives them an excuse to stay in the house.

Q: What do you call a Polaris on the trail
A: An obstical


Q:What is a polaris snowmobile owners favorite season?
A: Summer then they dont have to work on the sled

 

[green-horn]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A:It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go,
they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked,

'Are these my brains?' 'Not yet,' she replied

 

[Summitric]

The first blonde guy joke?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

 

[my mod]

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just can’t believe someone fu***d you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

 

[my mod]

Tax time

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"

"I'm a prostitute," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is."

 

[polcat]

The boom must be over, companies are getting tough again.
inter office memo:
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 1 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

 

[my mod]

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a new starter handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents .'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at a primary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the pavement in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton wadding, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

 

[Bill Daley]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?Well thanks to my genealogy effort,you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the son of Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate,who married O.Schitt,the owner of Needeep N.Schitt Inc.They had one son,Jack.

In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.The deeply religious couple produced six children:Holie Schitt.Giva Schitt,Fulla Schittt,Bull Schitt and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objections,Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt,a highschool drop out.

After being married 15 years Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock,and because her kids were living with them,she wanted to keep her previous name.She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Mean while,Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,and produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers.

The wedding announcement in the newspapers announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt Happens childern were Dawg,Byrd,and Horse.

Bull Schitt the prodigal son,left to tour the world.He recently returned from Italy with his new bride,Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt,you can correct them.

Sincerely Crock O,Schitt.
.

 

[heavy d]

A man sitting alone on a bar stool drinking heavily can't help but notice the attractive cougar that has just come in and sat down beside him. Drunkenly, he offers to buy the lady a drink. She thanks him politely, but refuses the drink. As the evening goes on, the lone man becomes exceedingly inebreated, and tries for one more shot at the woman beside him.
He looks over and politely asks, "Can I smell your vagina ?"
The woman, horrified, stands up, throws her drink in the mans face, and replies, "I should think not !"

The man calmly wiping the drink off his face, looks up at the woman and says, "Oh, must be your feet then."

 

[snochuk]

An Obituary printed in the London Times - Interesting and sadly rather true.

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

[my mod]

1. Is it good if
a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand
on the watch
called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled
in the dictionary,
how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary,
where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack?
What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and
"slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance"
mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing
"Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands"
when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark"
when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected"
make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and
a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee"
mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics"
not spelled
the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific,
why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage,
where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind,
why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed
and have dyslexia,
can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular
and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder
on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags
and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated
is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?

25... Why doesn't glue
stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.. Why do they call it a TV set
when you only have one?

27. Christmas
- What other time of the year
do you sit in front of a dead tree
and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway
and park on a driveway?

 

[whitegold]

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS, MY AZZ!

It's Friggin' Freezing. There's snow up my azz, all the food's covered with

3 feet of this white ch!t, and you want ME to sing?

Sing what?? Anne Murray's "Snowbird"? Piss Off!!

Next year, I'm flyin' to Jamaica, and smokin' dope!!