Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

 

[green-horn]

Lipstick in Catholic School

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school in
Brisbane was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put
it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or
neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next
day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal, Sister Paschal, decided that something
had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them
there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were
causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the
mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little
princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, Sister Paschal asked the maintenance man to show the
girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints
on the mirror.

There are teachers.... and then there are educators

"You may not always get what you want in life, but just thank
God you don't always get what you deserve."

 

[green-horn]

A MEXICAN MAID ASKS FOR A RAISE


The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about
this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

Wife asks: "Now Maria, why do you want a Pay Increase?"


Maria: "Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The
first is that I iron better than you."


Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"


Maria: "Jor Husband say so."


Wife: "Oh"


Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."


Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"


Maria: "Jor Husband did."


Wife: "Oh.."


Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed."


Wife: (really furious now) "Did my Husband say that as well?"


Maria: "No Se?ora...the Gardener did."


Wife: "So how much do you want?"

 

[whitegold]

Condom factory burns down in U.S.



President Obama is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

'Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergency!!

I've just received word that the Condom factory in Montana has burned to the ground

It is estimated that the entire Western US supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.'


President Obama:
The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies....
We'll be ruined.' 'We're going to have to ship some in from Mexico

'Bad idea! The Mexicans will have a field day on this one.'

Junior Admin Assistant: 'What about Canada ?'

President Obama: 'I'll call PM Harper.'
I'll tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way they'll continue to respect the Americans.

Three days later a delighted Obama runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office.

He finds five million condoms: 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured Red and white with a maple leaf and writing on each one.......



MADE IN CANADA - SIZE: MEDIUM

 

[my mod]

GETTING A HAIRDRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her...'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course, child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The
official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

 

[my mod]

Canadian Association of Retired Persons - CARP

Questions and Answers from CARP Forum

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?



A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 

[green-horn]

Did you know..

Single women can't fart


They don't have a$$holes until they're married

 

[green-horn]

Might be a repeat {too lazy to check}

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.

 

[JaySimon]

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!"

 

[Summitric]

THE NEWFIE MIRROR

After living in the remote wilderness of Newfoundland all his life, an old Newfie decided it was time to visit St. John’s .

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him.
'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishin', he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the shed.
So, one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror..
As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with.'

 

[Summiteer]

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and
continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!"

I heard the same one with an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman....Punchline was scotsman carefully picked up the fly, held it over his mug and yelled: "GEE IT BACK YA WEE BASTARD!!!!!!!!!

 

[modmanmike]

What did cinderella say when she got to the ball???


Cough cough

 

[shan]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.'
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pizzed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh chit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

[JaySimon]

Checked back three pages and didn't see it, hoping it wasn't put up before.


Whats the difference between your wife, your kids and a blowjob?

You can beat your wife, you can beat your kids, but you can't beat a blowjob.

 

[snochuk]

Subject: Little Larryisms

LARRY MAY BECOME MY NEW FAVORITE!!!!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "



Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

 

[fhe]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest
kinda ticked off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life

would be easier if he were green like the other toads.

He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.


He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me green like

the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators

and suchlike."




The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says,

"Toadra-capokus! You're green!"


The toad looks down and sees that he is green except for his

package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:

"Wait a minute! My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons.

You will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that." The toad

thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is a purple bear wandering about the very same woods.

As luck would have it, he also encounters the very same fairy

godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make

me brown like all the other bears. None of the lady bears want

to be seen with me on account that the hunters can spot me

from a mile off."

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand

and says:"Bearus-cadabra! You're brown!"


The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with

the exception of the ole twig and berries. They remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!" She says: "I don't do units,

you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that."

To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how

the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"


The fairy godmother answers:

"That's easy... Just follow the Yellow Dick Toad!"

 

[modmanmike]

Sitting together on a train travelling through the Canadian Rockies

were a fellow from Newfoundland, a fellow from Quebec, a little old

lady and a young blonde girl with large breasts.





The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there is the

sound of a loud slap.When the train emerges from the tunnel, the fellow

from Quebec has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must have groped

the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.



The blond girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope

me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.



The fellow from Quebec thinks: That Newfie must have groped the blond

in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.



The Newfoundlander thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack

that arseshole from Quebec again.

 

[modmanmike]

NURSES ARENT SUPPOSED TO LAUGH!!!!

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't
happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

She ran out of the room..

 

[my mod]

RIPPED OFF ON E-B A Y
Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass..

 

[modmanmike]

The Husband Store…

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may
go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description
of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the
products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose
any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but
you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the
sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth
floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help
With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with
Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.



She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this
floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just
across the street.



The first floor has wives that love sex.



The second floor has wives that love sex have money and like beer.




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.