Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE........

A jet is making its final approach to St. John 's Airport . .

The pilot comes on the intercom, 'This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John 's Newfoundland . I want to thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK"

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, 'So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?'

'Well,' says the skipper, 'first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap.....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner.... I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.'

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: 'No need to hurry, dear.............

He's gotta land the plane and take a ch!t first.'

 

[my mod]

Breaking News.........

CNN reports:



Beginning March 15st, 2011, all gas stations will start showing

PORN movies on the screens of the pumps so that

you can watch someone else getting screwed
at the same time you are.

 

[Bnorth]

I went fishing this morning, but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a cottonmouth snake with a frog in his mouth. "Frogs are good bass bait" I thought to myself. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.
Just then, I realized I had a problem, how was I going to release the snake without getting bit? So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. The snakes eyes rolled back and he went limp. I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog. A little later, I felt a nudge at my foot. There was that same snake with two more frogs in his mouth. Life is good in the South.

 

[Aud]

Happy and Sad





A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned
to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me
anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

 

[Aud]

Breaking News from Lybia

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و یره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم

خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رف سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه. ر رفت سایه پی نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما

سایه. ر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما نقش سایه دگر نمی دان نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نقش دیوار و چشم خیره ما


If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

 

[my mod]

A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake in Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

:d

 

[my mod]

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination

to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk

who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.



The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a

good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She

claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry

and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was

into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the

balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the

rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his

fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was

broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I

found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the

balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this

point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and

died." The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.



The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the

roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled

over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the

balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out

on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit

some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge

chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed

and was hit and killed by the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle

as he directs the man to the next room.



He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He

apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as

the fellow in here just before you."



"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding'

in this cedar chest....."

 

[my mod]

The Pope and Michael Ignatieff are on the same stage in Rogers Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Ignatieff and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Ignatieff replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[Summiteer]

The Pope and Michael Ignatieff are on the same stage in Rogers Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Ignatieff and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Ignatieff replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Good one. Go back 10 pages or so and theres the exact same joke with Harper as the punch line.:d:d

 

[Cyle]

Good one. Go back 10 pages or so and theres the exact same joke with Harper as the punch line.:d:d

A lot better as Ignatieff though :d

 

[Aud]

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll also have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this ch!t but me."

 

[green-horn]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

 

[green-horn]

Another political bashing for you to ponder



Jack Layton (NDP) met with the Queen of England.

He asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me in case I form the next
government?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Layton frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy, you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle". The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, Tony, your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," said the Queen.

Layton went back home to ask Mike Ignatief, his Liberal cohort. "Answer this for me Iggy; Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Iggy. "Let me get back to you on that one.." He went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer. Finally, he ended up in the men's room and recognized Steven Harper's
shoes in the next stall.

Iggy asked Harper, "Hey Steve, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Harper answered back, "That's easy you dummy, it's me!"

Iggy smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Then, he went back to speak with Layton.
"Say Jack, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It is Steven Harper."

Layton got mad and yelled "No you bloody idiot it is not! It's Tony Blair"!

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS WHY WE ARE GOING BACK TO THE POLLS.

 

[green-horn]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, 'three to get ready, and four to go."

 

[snochuk]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last
of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several
false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was
embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of
composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw
them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He
started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at
his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the
sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is
going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the sh*t
out of a ghost."

 

[polarice]

Chevrolet Truck

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a young man wearing an Michael Ignatieff "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck. I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.

Cheers

 

[underdog]

Chevrolet Truck

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a young man wearing an Michael Ignatieff "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck. I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.

Cheers

Bahahaha I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!

Sent from my HTC Desire using Tapatalk

 

[Longhorn]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold-up?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton, Gilles Duceppe, and Prime Minister Harper. They are asking for a ten million dollar ransom... otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"
"About a litre..."

 

[my mod]

The Veterinarian's Mom




One Sunday, as he was counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected, and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.




"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.


"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."




The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?"

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses...one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno."

 

[country_shorty88]

First off Just a joke
An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinaman, are hired at a construction site.

The foreman pointed to a huge pile of sand.

He said to the Italian, “You're in charge of sweeping.”

To the Scotsman he said, “You're in charge of shoveling.”

To the Chinaman, “You're in charge of supplies.”

He then said, “I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.”

When the foreman returned after a couple of hours, the pile of sand was untouched.

He asked the Italian, “Why didn't you sweep any of it?”

The Italian replied, “I hava no broom. You saida to the China fella he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”

Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”

The Scotsman replied, “Aye, that ye did laddie, but ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, but ah couldna fin' him either.”

The foreman was really angry and stormed off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinaman leapt out from behind the pile of sand and yelled,




“SUPPLIES!!!”