Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought
she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to
discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could
perform to give the doctor a better idea bout her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears
you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a
response.."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in
the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife
and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his
wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, what's
for dinner?"



Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"




"Ralph,... for the fuckin' FIFTH time,.... CHICKEN!"

 

[whitegold]

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:




An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
'What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

 

[goodngrubby]

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Newfoundlander replies:
"Lord tunderin' Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse.
If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the fawkin' boat!"

 

[Bnorth]

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. "No way"! No needles!
"I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. "I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"! The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill. "No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet". The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"! "It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

 

[Bnorth]

DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.

DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.

DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!

DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.

DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.

DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.

DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.

DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....

DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.

DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...

DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.

DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.

DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.

DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!

The moral, some women are never happy.....

 

[Bnorth]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up..
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'
One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.
He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

"My point exactly", said the doctor.

 

[Bnorth]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'


Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the Right thing, at the Right time:

PRICELESS

 

[Bnorth]

Leading drug companies have announced that live rabbits will no longer be used in scientific experiments.
Arabs will now be used instead.
A top scientist has stated that the advantage of using Arabs is they breed just as fast as rabbits, but you don't get fond of them !!

 

[Bnorth]

After suffering depression for a while, me and the wife decided we were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought fawk it....Soldier on..!

 

[Bnorth]

Canadian Romantic Husband





Man said to wife "Alright you sexy thing, upstairs now"

She looked at him and said "Ooh, you kinky bastard"

He said "No, seriously, hockey is starting, now fawk off'!

 

[Bnorth]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

All the rednecks sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

[Bnorth]

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, gets in the
mood but true to his wife goes home. When he gets home he
finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouth wide open.
He gets two aspirin and drops them into her mouth.
Of course, she chokes but recovers and asks, "What did you
put in my mouth??" He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE"!!!
He says, "That's what I wanted to hear."

 

[Bnorth]

Blondes Explaining Easter

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they
could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give
thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St.Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus
was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans
arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him
in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good.."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out.
If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

 

[Bnorth]

A Truly Wonderful Short Story!



One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch




But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

The End

 

[JaySimon]

How do you re-use a condom?
















Flip it inside out, and shake the fawk out of it.

 

[goodngrubby]

Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house
and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the
same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback,
but she decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, dear, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[green-horn]

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

Johnny Mckay hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

Johnny said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, Johnny!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Johnny won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep......and the other time..... I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[green-horn]

The Talking Centipede


A single guy decided life would be more fun
if he had a pet.So he went to the pet store
and told the owner
that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he
finally bought a talking centipede,
which came in a little white box
to use for his house.
He took the box back home,
found a good spot for the box,
and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to
church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go to
church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer
from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but
he waited a few minutes and
then asked again,
"How about going to
church with me and
receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer
from his new friend and pet.
So he waited a
few minutes more,
thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to
invite the centipede one
last time. This time he
put his face up against the
centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go
to church with me and
learn about God?"
...

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ....




This time, a little voice
came out of the box,


"I heard you the first
F..... time!

I'm putting my shoes on!"

 

[JaySimon]

What is the leading cause of pedafellia?

All those sexy kids....

 

[polarice]

priceless