Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

Subject: Newfie job Interview


George applied for a fork lift operator job at a company based
in St. John's. An Albertan also applied for the job and since both
applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test in a quiet room with no interruptions by the manager.

When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The manager went to George and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Albertan the job."

George said, "And why would you
be doing that, are you not a Newfoundlander? You say we both got
19 questions right. This being Newfoundland and me being a true
born Newfoundlander surely I should get the job?"

The manager replied, "We?ve not made our decision on the answers you got correct, but on the question you got wrong."

George said, "Geez, bye gum, do tell me now, how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

The manager responded, Well actually it was simple, on question number 7 the Albertan wrote down, 'I don't know.'




You put down, 'Neither do I'."

 

[whitegold]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

After tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you!'
His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong, I love you too!'

 

[CATPRIDE]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed

a distinct slowdown in overall system performance,

particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,
and then installed undesirable programs such as

· NHL 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Channel 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


DEAR DESPERATE


First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download Farting and Snoring Loudly (Beta).

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

 

[whitegold]

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy,
how was I born?'

The father answers,
'Well, son, I guess one day
you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and
I first got together in a chat roomon Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom
and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into
a secluded room, and googled each other.
There your mother agreed to a download from
my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload,
we discovered that neither one of us had used a
firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button ,nine months later a little
Pop-Up appeared that said:


You've got male....

 

[Summitric]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob.'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got way too much to live for.

Please send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a....chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but St. Peter explained that this was the only way he could return to the earth he knew. Faced with that reality, he begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home...

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.


As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife's voice....

"BOB, wake up! You just Chit the bed!"

Getting OLD just ain't what they said it would be!

 

[polarice]

Beer joint sues church....only in Texas!



























TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE !

ONLY IN TEXAS...

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt.Vernon, Texas. Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."


True Story.

 

[Ryano]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,............just
because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So,
I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year,
that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

 

[goodngrubby]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man.


"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

 

[magnet]

heres one the kids came home with yesterday th wife thinks it sucks i thought it was a bit funny.

here goes, how do you scare a bee?
































































Boo bee!!!!!!!!!!!!:d

 

[my mod]

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~ A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a gift, and it was one of my favourite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea", which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.


Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

 

[my mod]

This is a Woman’s brain!!!!





One night President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's secret service if he could please speak to the First Lady in private. They obliged and Michelle had a conversation with the owner.
Following this conversation President Obama asked Michelle, why was he so interested in talking to you. She mentioned that in her teenage years, he had been madly in love with her. President Obama then said, "so if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant" , to which Michelle responded, "no, if I had married him, he would now be the President".

 

[Summitric]

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk

A carton of eggs

A quart of orange juice

A head of lettuce

A 2 lb. can of coffee

A 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, 'You must be single.'
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I indeed had never found Mr. Right. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status..
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said , 'Yes you are correct . But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly'.

 

[green-horn]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern
where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it
for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and,
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so
there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support
aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his
trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then
suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever
seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises
and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and
old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still
watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them
what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something
else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of
secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

[green-horn]

Just in case you are having a rough day (week, year, and life),
here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals.
The funny thing is that it really does work



1. Picture yourself lying on your tummy on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.


There!! See? It really does work.
You're smiling already.

 

[heavy d]

The Candy With The Little Hole



A teacher starts the day by handing out "Lifesavers" to the kids.



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled,

'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room

 

[heavy d]

Amish Sex








An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day.

The daughter said to her mother,
'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied,
'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,



'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied,

'Put them between my legs and the warmth of my body will warm them up..

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

'My nose is cold ..'

The girl replied

'Put it between my legs, the warmth of my body will warm it up.'

He did and warmed his nose.

The day after the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said,

'My penis is frozen solid.'

The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again,
and she asks,


'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Concerned the mother said,

'Why yes..... why do you ask?'

The daughter replies,

'They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they!!!

 

[heavy d]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several

months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that

provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would

climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.



One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't

believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our

direction."



The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're

hallucinating , You've finally lost your mind."



But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful

woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a

ring or earrings on her person.



The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach

and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.



One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken

island for months now without a woman.

It's been such a long, long time....So ... do you think we should ...

well .... you know ..... screw her?"





"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other.

 

[heavy d]

A real woman







A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up
and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure
and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he
never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She
will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most
intimate desires. She will make sure he always feels as though he's the
most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most
confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...sorry, I'm thinking of beer...it's beer that does all that ch!t.
Never mind.

 

[green-horn]

The History of the Middle Finger


Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that
I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent
friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history
more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all
captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be
impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they
would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English
longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major
upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at
the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult
consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a
labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in
conjunction with the one-finger-salute!
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used
with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the
bird."
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing!

 

[Summitric]

When a woman wears a leather dress…




Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally!?


Ever wonder why?


It's because she smells like a new Truck!