Required: Sense of humor

[youngpolarisguy]

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.
She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.
She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."
He replies "BREASTS."
He was arrested!

 

[green-horn]

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy Parka and a leather jacket at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said...

You'll love this...

I know you will... (scroll down...)
.
.







.
"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

 

[green-horn]

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's
empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

 

[green-horn]

Bob walked into a sports bar around

9:58 PM .

He sat down next to a blonde at the bar

And stared up at the TV.



The 10 PM news was coming on.

The news crew was covering the story

Of a man on the ledge of a large building

Preparing to jump.





The blonde looked at Bob and said,

"Do you think he'll jump?"





Bob said,

"You know, I bet he'll jump."



The blonde replied,

"Well, I bet he won't."



Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,

"You're on!"



Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,

The guy on the ledge

Did a swan dive off the building,

Falling to his death.



The blonde was very upset,

But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.

"Fair's fair. Here's your money."





Bob replied,

"I can't take your money.

I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,

So I knew he would jump."



The blonde replied,

"I did, too,

But I didn't think he'd do it again."





Bob took the money.

 

[Summitric]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became
confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what
hole he was playing.

'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you
must be on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with
the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the
13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady
sitting at the end of the bar.

He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for
your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales
also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar
stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for
Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

 

[youngpolarisguy]

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. He argues back and forth with the bartender, who refuses to serve him. Finally, the bartender challenges him to get on the floor and do twenty push-ups to prove he is sober.
As he is doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers in. He surveys the scene for a minute, pokes the guy in the ribs with his shoe, and says, “Hey fella, I think your girlfriend has gone home.”

 

[youngpolarisguy]

The Lottery
A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

 

[youngpolarisguy]

Two morons are riding around looking for a place to have a picnic. One moron says, "Hey, lets have a picnic over there under that tree." The other moron says," No, no, lets have it in the middle of the road." They fought and came to a decision to have it in the middle of the road. Not long afterwards a car came speeding towards them, swerved off the road and ran into the tree. One moron says, “See if we were over there we would be dead right now."

 

[youngpolarisguy]

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence. Well the first little girl raised her hand and said, "Well the trees are definitely green." The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in the fall. The next little boy raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher said, "No not really because the sky can be all different colors." From the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand and asked, "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher said, "No Johnny of course not, that’s silly." Then Johnny said, "Well then I definitely ch!t my pants!"

 

[heavy d]

What happens when men bake Valentines cookies........

 

[green-horn]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .

I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us...'

 

[Throttle*Queen]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried ward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties..


The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted,

"Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!


"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need.
Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said

"Your ****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Throttle*Queen]

OLD GUYS

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around
when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,
too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a
halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Most old guys are helpful like that....

 

[Throttle*Queen]

Alzheimer's Test


How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM
Anwsers below.....






















Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM





You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Well, you don't have Alzheimer’s, but you are a pervert!

 

[heavy d]

....

 

[country_shorty88]

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago my husband,Tom,had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."



Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now", she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."



All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly to the pulpit. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

 

[green-horn]

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1960: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair

1960: KEG
2010: EKG


1960: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux


1960: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm


1960: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1960: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage


1960: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM


1960: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint


1960: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones


1960: Disco
2010: Costco


1960: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1960: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test


1960: Whatever
2010: Depends

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1992.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 2 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.




They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.



They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet? Pass this on to the other old fogies on your list. Notice the larger type, that's for those of you who have trouble reading..

 

[green-horn]

A Short Book for Men
A man goes into his local bookstore and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

"That's the one; I'll take a copy."

 

[green-horn]

To: ALL would be GrandParents.....



The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)
Did you hear about the Texasteacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help and she could see why..

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want
to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a
sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong
feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her
cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the
right feet..

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why
didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she
struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No
sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's
boots. My mom made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

 

[green-horn]

My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad cancel my
allowance, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, stereo, i-Phone and jewelry to the charity shop. Sell my car, take my front door key, and throw me out of the house."

Well she didn't actually put it like that. She said, "Dad this is my new
boyfriend, Mohammed."