Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor
used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display
of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since
I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's
advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-
in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,
accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's
there.'

 

[OLIVE DRAB DEAN]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong !

 

[munhoez]

So a first nations couple finishes up their deed in the back of their car,
driver rolls down window and drives away with his ol'lady.

Buddy asks if she wants to have a drink, she sez yes, and they make a plan to head off to the liquor store.

While drivin, they remember the hot rez sex in the back of the car,
Buddy claims that she was the best he evr had, the lady rteplies with "oh ur passionate"

buddy sez thanx, ands the woman pipes up and yells:
" no ur passion it, the liqour store, ur passion it!!!!

 

[malibumama]

This is one an elder told me....


Knock, knock.....

Who's there?

Dishes.....

Dishes who?

Dishes your boyfriend from hobbema!




Posted from my BlackBerry using BerryBlab

 

[badss]

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:


Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem:
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
Is that something I can repair with a weld or do I need to replace it?

 

[heavy d]

A carload of the DPFN are cruisin down a back road, on the way back to the rez when they see the sign, MAXIMUM 50...............they pull over and kick three out.

 

[green-horn]

Russ Is In The Hospital
Who in the hell is Russ?
Well Russ is the guy who got home late one night and Linda, his wife, asked, "Where the hell have you been?"
Russ replied, "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Russ is in the Hospital; in room 233.

 

[green-horn]

Well, Obama recently signed the bill that allows gays to serve openly in the Military,

No more don't ask don't tell.

But what has he really done, but cause more confusion in the ranks.

This is what now can happen. So for the moment, imagine....................

You're in a combat situation, the enemy is firing at you, and running toward your position........

The guy next to you is openly gay, when someone yells out..........

"Shoot the cork-sucker:d!"

Now do you see the confusion?

 

[green-horn]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector - not wanting to get a toe blown off - started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and
turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

 

[Bnorth]

The Deaf Bookkeeper




Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him
out of 10 million bucks.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify
about in court.




When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he
takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that
he embezzled from me."



The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs
back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking
about."




The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him
again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried
behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."



Don't you just LOVE lawyers !

 

[Bnorth]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

 

[Bnorth]

There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 8-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Nana?" he asked. "Oh, yes, Papa, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a-hole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"

 

[Bnorth]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips..He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

 

[Bnorth]

The Pope and Harper are on the same stage in Rogers Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Harper and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Harper replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"








So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

 

[goodngrubby]

Not really funny, but kinda cool:

Grab a calculator, it's too much for the ol brain computer.

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the Area code...)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number
6. Add to this the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2

Do you recognize the answer ??

 

[woody_tobius_jr]

Whoa....cool!

 

[green-horn]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me come splain this to you! ---Read the last line again,
slowly--out loud.]

 

[green-horn]

Who's Your Role Model for 2011?
This is fun. I promise you WILL laugh when you find the identity of your role model.

NO CHEATING! I was really surprised to find out the name of my role model. Don't scroll down yet...

To find the identity of your personal role model, do the math below...
Then scroll down to find your hero.

It is crazy how accurate this is!





NO PEEKING!


1.) Pick your favourite number between 1 - 9

2.) Multiply by 3

3.) Add 3

4.) Then again multiply by 3... I'll wait if you need a calculator

5.) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number

6.) Add the digits together


NOW SCROLL DOWN






And with that number, see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below:



1. Einstein

2. Oprah Winfrey

3. Snoopy

4. Bill Clinton

5. Bill Gates

6. Gandhi

7. Barack Obama

8. Babe Ruth

9. Greenhorn

10. John F. Kennedy

I know, I know.... I just have that effect on people.

P..S. Stop picking different numbers!! I AM YOUR IDOL, JUST DEAL WITH IT!!

 

[Summitric]

A woman had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As she sat down, a man

came along and asked her if anyone is sitting in the seat next to her.

"No," she said, "the seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would

have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and

not use it?"

Somberly, the woman says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I

was supposed to come here with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first

Super Bowl we have not been to together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that, that's terrible. But couldn't you find

someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The woman shakes her

head, "No, they're all at the funeral."

 

[my mod]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the

right, so some family members

grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family

grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed

her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,

you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the

nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."