Required: Sense of humor

[JayBec]

A truck driver stops at a whore house
He tells the madam heres $500, give me 2 sandwichs, 2 cold beers, and the fattest, ugliest woman you have.

The madam replies, sir for $500 you can have any woman here.

The truck driver says I'm not here for sex, I'm home sick.

 

[green-horn]

Sex is the price Women have to pay for marriage.

Marriage is the price Men have to pay for sex!

 

[green-horn]

Guns don't kill people....

Husbands who come home early kill people!!

 

[green-horn]

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy

 

[green-horn]

A blonde was driving on a freeway completely naked and knitting
when a cop comes along and yell at her: "Pullover"
The blonde lowers her window and says:"No, officer, it is a sweater."

 

[green-horn]

Interesting observations on the Taliban by that great American philosopher, Jeff Foxworthy.



"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

[goodngrubby]

2011 New Prayer:


Dear God,
All I ask for in 2011 is a big, fat bank account and a slim body… please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
Amen.

 

[goodngrubby]

A Ukrainian and a Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold medal.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Ukie. He's never lost a match, because of this pretzel hold he has. So, whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!! If he does, you're finished !!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgment........

As the match started, the Newfie and the Ukrainian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Ukie lunged forward,......... grabbing the Newfie and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't bare to watch the inevitable happen.....

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Ukrainian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded !!..........

When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked:
"How the hell did you ever get out of that hold?? No one has ever done it before!!...."

The wrestler answered:
"Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold
but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles, right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could !!"

The trainer exclaimed:
"So, THAT'S what finished him off !!...."
"Not really"............. replied the Newfie......
"You'd be amazed how strong you get, when you bite your own nuts !!"...

 

[green-horn]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; AND>>>>> 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; AND>>>>> 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

 

[green-horn]

A Different way of looking at things.
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
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A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my
intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother,
cause I still have mine.'

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'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the
divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and
then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

 

[JayBec]

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

 

[JayBec]

Little Johnny walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen she dress’s quickly and goes to find him.

Little Johnny sees his mom and asks "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You’re wasting your time," say’s Little Johnny.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

 

[JayBec]

Worst Aviation Disaster
Canada's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

 

[my mod]

Teacher: if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six.
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
The now very angry Teacher: Where in the Hell do you get seven from?!?!?
The now very frustrated Johnny: Because I've already got a fuggin' cat at home!!!

 

[green-horn]

Perfect Airport Security Solution

Here's the solution to all the controversy over full-bodied scanners at the airports:

Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your body. It would be a win-win for everyone. There would be none of this crap about racial profiling, and this method would eliminate any expensive trials. Justice would be quick and swift. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement over the PA system; "ATTENTION STANDBY PASSENGERS! WE NOW HAVE A SEAT OPEN ON FLIGHT NUMBER 4665.........PAGING MAINTENANCE......SHOP VAC NEEDED IN BOOTH NUMBER 4'

 

[green-horn]

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room,
took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of
your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really
good with the kids.'

 

[green-horn]

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words
that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man
and wife.'







Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'

Joe: 'Really?'

Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

 

[green-horn]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

[Bnorth]

1.. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
> A. Lovemaking.
> B. Screwing.
> C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have
> both shared:
> A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
> B. Your blood-test results.
> C. Five tequila slammers.
> 3. You time your orgasm so that:
> A. Your partner climaxes first.
> B. You both climax simultaneously.
> C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
> A. Healthy, creative love-play.
> B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
> C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with
> is:
> A. The best part of the experience.
> B. The second best part of the experience.
> C. $100 extra.
> 6.. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month.
> You tell her that it is:
> A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
> B. Not a problem, she can join in your gym.
> C. A conservative estimate.
> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
> A. A myth.
> B. An oxymoron.
> C. A moron.
> 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
> A. An appetizer is to entree.
> B. Primer is to paint.
> C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at
> the end of a relationship?
> A. I hope we can still be friends.
> B. I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep.
> C. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU!.
> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
> A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
> intimacy.
> B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
> C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
>

 

[green-horn]

ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US AND REPRODUCE!!

And they vote


HELLO, OPERATOR

Actual call center conversations!

Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through;
Can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
Telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the
Number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
Traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
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Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
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Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
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Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: ‘Wow! How can you see my screen from there?’
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Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
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This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No..'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure ? Aha. Okay, we've got it
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to
the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'
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