Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck."Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

 

[my mod]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, an Native man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher
asked, "Johnny TwoFeathers, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Johnny TwoFeathers replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my
hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Johnny TwoFeathers ear, placed his
other hand on top of Johnny TwoFeathers head, and then prayed and prayed and
prayed.

He prayed a "blue streak" for Johnny, and the whole congregation joined in with
great enthusiasm.


After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "
Johnny, how is your hearing now?"


Johnny TwoFeathers answered, "Don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

 

[my mod]

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang,

but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The son of a bitch called back."

 

[my mod]

AN ITALIAN HONEYMOON


After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia,

Luigi stopped by his old barbershop to say hello to his friends.



Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treep?"



Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down to Florida."



"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.



"Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eat indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar.

The conductore, he waga is finger again and say, 'No a smokina disa car Musta go to a smokina car ..'

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.



Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore,

he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice..

'Nofolka Virginia ! ....Nofolka Virginia !'

"Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus."

 

[my mod]

The Girl Lodger

A Scottish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department.....very generously indeed.

The girl finished her bath and went to bed.

Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, "Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why ever are you worried about that?" she said. "You've seen it often enough before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!"

 

[green-horn]

The Idiot list


1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked Intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.



2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS.
Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."



3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.


4 THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas, Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"



6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her first child?" the Doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.. (hellooooooo)!



8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go they pulled into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER...THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!

 

[green-horn]

A chap walks into the council office, says to the receptionist,

I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an MP.The receptionist replied "certainly sir Please fill in this form."

So he was filling in the form OK until he came to the question -Are you circumcised?

So he asked the receptionist - "Is that question necessary?"
She replied: "If you are circumcised you are not eligible "
He asked: "what difference would it make if he was circumcised?

> > She replied: "To become an MP, you have to be a complete prick."

 

[green-horn]

Here's the riddle:


At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.


One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.


They are both thinking the exact same thing... What are they both thinking?


Don't look down.

 

[briguy99]

This is a touching, heartwarming story.

 

[shan]

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each n!pple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

 

[arff]

MY LIVING WILL:

Last night, my kids stopped by and were sitting in the living room when I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

They are SO on my chit list ...

 

[green-horn]

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise.......................

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings true were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health

 

[green-horn]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from Toronto, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

 

[green-horn]

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche & mentioned it on FaceBook.
I said "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive !" Next thing I know 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend !!

 

[green-horn]

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Toronto but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets

 

[green-horn]

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

 

[green-horn]

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

 

[green-horn]

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland .

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up
to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that
man going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay
for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew,
her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on
his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried.
"We made such passionate love last night!"
"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his
hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

 

[my mod]

A duded-up city rider walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis , SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded,
staring blankly at a full bowl of chili.

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the newby rider bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'

The old veteran of a thousand rides slowly turns his head and says, 'Nah, you go ahead.'

Eagerly, the guy wearing the shiny new leather fashions reaches over and slides the bowl into his place and starts spoonin it in with delight.

He gets nearly down to the bottom of the bowl and notices a

Dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was very shocking and he immediately barfed up the chili back into the bowl.

The old biker quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too.

 

[my mod]

Puns for Educated Minds



1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out
to be an optical Aleutian.


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.


10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to
the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'


13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'


15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium
at large.


16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.


17. A backward poet writes inverse.


18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.


19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.


21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed
per passenger.'


22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
'Dam!'


23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.


24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'


25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.