Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

THE PERFECT HUSBAND


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages

the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.


MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only

$2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: ' $90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market.

They're asking $980,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $ 900,000. They will probably take it.

If not, we can go the extra 80 thousand if it's really a good deal.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

 

[my mod]

A man went to the confessional and said: 'Father it's has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Nookie Green?:"

'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.


At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.


The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.


The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Nookie Green?'


The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.

 

[JayBec]

A hillbilly, who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The


> lawyer said,"How can I help you?" The hillbilly said,"I wanna get me
one
> of those dayvorces." The layer said,"Do you have any grounds?" The
> hillbilly said,"Yes, I have 40 acres." The lawyer said,"No, you don't
> understand, do you have a suit?" The hillbilly said,"Yes, I got a
suit,
> I wears it to church on Sundays." The lawyer said,"No, no I mean do
you
> have a case?" The hillbilly said,"No, I ain't got no case, but I got a


> John Deere." The lawyer said,"No, I mean do you have a grudge?" The
> hillbilly said,"Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks my John
> Deere." The lawyer said,"Does your wife beat you up or something?" The


> hillbilly said,"No, we both get up at 4:30." The lawyer said,"Is your
> wife a nagger?" The hillbilly said,"No, she's a little white gal, but
> our last kid was a nagger and that's why I want's one of those
> dayvorces."

 

[JayBec]

> Over 40
>
> New exercise routine if you're over 40.
> You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you
become
> more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.
>
> Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
>
> SCROLL DOWN
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> NOW SCROLL UP..
>
> That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Now have a Beer
>

 

[JayBec]

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST Read Them Aloud)


Thats Not Right – Sum Ting Wong

Are You Harbouring A Fugitive? – Hu Yu Hai Ding
See Me ASAP – Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man – Dum Fuk
Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni

Did You Go To The Beach? – Wai Yu So Tan?

I Bumped Into A Coffee Table – Ai Bi Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I Think You Need A Face Lift – Chin Tu Fatt

Its Very Dark In Here – Wai So Dim?

I Thougght You Were On A Diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?

This Is A Tow Awayy Zone – No Pah King

Our Meeting Is Scheduled For Next Week – Wai Yu Kum Nao?

Staying Out Of Sight – Lei Ying Lo Lo

Hes Cleaning His Automobile – Wa Shing Ka

YYour Body Odor Is Offensive – Yu Stink Ee Pu

Great – Fu Kin Su Pa

 

[sweld]

Wayne gretzkey and his wife janet were in bed, wayne feeling a little frisky wanted to pleasure janet orally, janet says oh wayne im not to sure its that time of the month, wayne says no prob i dont mind, so down he goes after a few minutes he pops back up face covered in blood, janet goes messy hey!, wayne goes no its gretzkey!

 

[green-horn]

Children Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I love this kid)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
(One for the Hall of Fame.....)

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

 

[green-horn]

My wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and

forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

" For God's sake, leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to fish!"

 

[green-horn]

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation,
crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to
make love to her,
he replied, 'It's Lent'.
In tears, she sobbed,
'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

 

[green-horn]

Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old
woman that sometimes she gets
her husband excited at night by
getting totally naked, lying in bed and
putting both legs
behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman
thought that this was a great idea, so that night
when her
husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got

totally naked and began the process of putting
her
legs behind her head.
The
first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit
arthritic. However,
she finally got it in place. She had an
even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself
backwards until she finally got it behind her head.


However, she had rocked just a little too hard so
that
she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with
her butt
sticking straight up in the air. It was just then
that her husband came out of the bathroom.

'Gladys!'he
exclaimed.' For heavens sake,
comb your hair and put your
teeth in .... You look like an a$$hole.'

 

[green-horn]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to FΩC˚OFF!!

 

[green-horn]

I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. I got really
drunk. Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done
before. I took the bus home.

I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never
driven one before.

 

[JayBec]

I came to the conclusion that Beer contains female hormones, cuz after 8 pints i talk sh*t and cant drive

 

[JayBec]

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you f$cker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'F*ck off it'll be too painful',


Theres your Sign.......

 

[JayBec]

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both
married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....

He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,
"Maam, Im sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
Im awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight,
lets pretend that were married."

"Wow!i would really like that, u are a beautiful looking woman. Thats a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own fuckin blanket."

After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

 

[green-horn]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says:
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,
the best I ever had!'
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad
but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
'I'll tell you something else, boy,
your grandma liked it!'

At this point the biker stands up,
takes the drunk by the shoulders
looks him square in the eyes and says

'Grandpa;.......... Go home!
You're drunk..'

 

[green-horn]

These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here

 

[green-horn]

A blonde was weed-eating her yard andaccidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.

She rushed her cat, along with the tail, over to WAL-MART!

Why WAL-MART??

HELLOOOOOOOOO!

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!!

 

[green-horn]

The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green.................Lime
Orange ................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers.
None of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your
Mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and
yelled, "Oh my God! They're a$$-holes!"

 

[green-horn]

Two illegal Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush...."