Required: Sense of humor
- Thread starter albertagal500
- Start date
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him
to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .
No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of rum.
That's what rum does...
Never mind.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him
to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible. . .
No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of rum.
That's what rum does...
Never mind.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Did you hear about the guy who was in a bar about as drunk as it’s possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband."
The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
green-horn
Active VIP Member
What a rip off…. 
Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger..............
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.
Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger..............
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.!!.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he
found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man,
moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife ch!t on
my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he
found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.
As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man,
moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter
pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife ch!t on
my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."
Phyer Phyter
Active VIP Member
ANNOUNCEMENT
by John Cleese.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security
level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off"
to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level
from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more
escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie
is cancelled."
And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop"
threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to
never raise the level any higher so not offend terrorists.
by John Cleese.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent
terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security
level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though,
security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or
even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit
Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly
ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the
British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in
1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off"
to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other
levels. This is the reason they have been used on the
front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its
terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher
levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's
military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and
Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more
levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change
Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from
"Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing
Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels:
"Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the
only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of
Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to
deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass
bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at
the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level
from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Three more
escalation levels remain: "Crikey!","I think we'll
need to cancel the barbie this weekend," and "The barbie
is cancelled."
And finally Canada is at "That's not nice and please stop"
threat level, and has passed a bill in the House of Commons to
never raise the level any higher so not offend terrorists.
my mod
Active VIP Member
- Joined
- Oct 19, 2008
- Messages
- 1,188
- Reaction score
- 706
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt before prison..................
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your butt before prison..................
green-horn
Active VIP Member
At a bar last night; I met this really pretty girl wearing a sweater with a
big maple leaf on the front.
I walked up to her and said 'Hi, my name is Three Goal Lead'
I was thinking someone wearing a Maple Leaf sweater would surely blow a
three goal lead.
big maple leaf on the front.
I walked up to her and said 'Hi, my name is Three Goal Lead'
I was thinking someone wearing a Maple Leaf sweater would surely blow a
three goal lead.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
At the end of a tiny deserted bar on Simpson Street in Thunder Bay sat a huge Indian.
He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big Indian.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Indian leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the ch!t out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, then returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Indian, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
I don't know," the Indian replied. "Something about a job."
He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.
After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big Indian.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive Indian leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the ch!t out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, then returned to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Indian, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
I don't know," the Indian replied. "Something about a job."
green-horn
Active VIP Member
,,,, the real meaning of Sperm ?
Sperm is like Immigrants.........
Millions come in, but only one bugger works...
Sperm is like Immigrants.........
Millions come in, but only one bugger works...
green-horn
Active VIP Member
OLDIES BUT GOODIES !!!!
Very dangerous women Jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always..
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Very dangerous women Jokes
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always..
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
green-horn
Active VIP Member
You're walking down a
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal’s Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
...............................
Conservative's Answer:
BANG!
...........................
Albertan’s (Canada) Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice shooting , Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
deserted street with your wife
and two small children.
Suddenly, an Islamic
Terrorist with a huge knife
comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you,
screams obscenities, praises
Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Liberal’s Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
...............................
Conservative's Answer:
BANG!
...........................
Albertan’s (Canada) Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click..... (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
BANG!
Click
Daughter: 'Nice shooting , Daddy!'
'Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!
Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!'
Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!
green-horn
Active VIP Member
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those
nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the
head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
Lynn & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a
nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those
nails away?'
Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the
head on the wrong end & I throw them away.'
Judy got completely upset & yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!'
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun... He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe.. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A blonde was shopping at Target & came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk
to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied, 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up & took it to the clerk
to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos.....
It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing.....I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos & took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot & cold things
cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied, 'Two popsicles & some coffee.'
green-horn
Active VIP Member
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that
my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the
day? Take the day off to relax & rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it &
I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees & allows the blonde to work as usual.
A couple of hours pass & the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out from his office & sees the blonde crying hysterically...
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my
sister. Her mother died, too!'
heavy d
Active VIP Member
A Newfoundlander is driving down a back road in St. Johns . A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself, 'me 3 favourite tings!
HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
Lobster Tail and Beer
'Lord tunderin' jaysus' he says to himself, 'me 3 favourite tings!
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says 'Sorry honey, I've got a gynocologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband feels rejected and turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and
says 'Sorry honey, I've got a gynocologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband feels rejected and turns over. A few minutes
later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you
have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
youngpolarisguy
Active VIP Member
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for many years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he was
too embarrassed and he vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong,
she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My
God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
for many years when he came home one day to confess to
his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to
stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he
should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he was
too embarrassed and he vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong,
she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My
God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what
happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'
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