Required: Sense of humor

[my mod]

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.



During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.



That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and

said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"



Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.



"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".



Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"



"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.



Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"



In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"



Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"



At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

 

[snochuk]

A preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, an Native man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Johnny TwoFeathers, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Johnny TwoFeathers replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Johnny TwoFeathers ear, placed his other hand on top of Johnny TwoFeathers head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.
He prayed a "blue streak" for Johnny, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, " Johnny, how is your hearing now?"
Johnny TwoFeathers answered, "Don't know. It ain't 'til next week."

 

[RETODD]

 

[Summitric]

Wheelie Bins

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

 

[green-horn]

I just got off the phone with friend living in North Saskatoon.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.
The temperature is dropping near -30 with the wind chill and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.


His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.


He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

 

[green-horn]

There was a knock on the door this morning,

I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

“I'm a Jehovah's Witness.”

I said "Come in and sit down. What do you want to talk about"?

He said, " I don't know......I've never got this far before."

 

[green-horn]

Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian Rockies were a
fellow from Alberta, a fellow from Quebec, a
little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train went into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later, there...ere was
the sound of a loud slap. When the train
emerged from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec had a bright red hand
print
on his cheek. No one spoke.

The little old lady thought: The fellow from Quebec must have groped the
blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thought: That fellow from Quebec must have tried to grope
me
in the dark, but missed and fondled the
old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The fellow from Quebec thought: That fellow from Alberta must have groped
the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap
him but missed and got me instead.

The fellow from Alberta thought: I can't wait for another tunnel so I can
smack that a$$hole from Quebec again.

 

[green-horn]

A Redneck passed away and left his entire
estate to his beloved widow . ..
but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

 

[green-horn]

How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say,
" I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies .......
"Go ahead."

 

[green-horn]

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum
drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ???
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

 

[green-horn]

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder:
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There are no dental records

 

[green-horn]

A Mountie pulls over a pickup on Highway 2
and says to the driver, 'Got any I.D. ? ' . .
and the driver replies 'Bout wut?'

 

[JayBec]

A hillbilly came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Al, somebody just stole your pickup truck." Al said, "Did you see who it was?" The hillbilly replied, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license plate number!"

 

[RETODD]

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana
on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will
go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he
touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with cold water. After a
while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other
monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries
to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it. Now, put
away the cold water. Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a
new one. The new monkey sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To
his surprise and horror, all of the other monkeys attack him. After another
attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will
be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys and replace it with a new
one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer
takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm! Likewise, replace a third
original monkey with a new one, then a fourth, then the fifth. Every time
the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked. Most of the monkeys
that are beating him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the
stairs or why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.
After replacing all the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys
have ever been sprayed with cold water.

Nevertheless, no monkey ever again approaches the stairs to try for the
banana. Why not? Because as far as they know that's the way it's always
been done around here.

And that, my friends, is how policy begins.

 

[badss]

The latest toy has just hit the shops - a talking Muslim doll.
Nobody knows what the hell it says cause no one’s got the nerve to pull the cord
.

 

[JayBec]

A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden, who didn’t like Newfies.

The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, ‘This duck ain’t from Ontario . This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, boy?’

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said , ‘This ain’t no Quebec duck. This duck’s from Manitoba . You got a Manitoba license?’

The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, ‘This ain’t no Ontario duck. This here duck’s from Nova Scotia . You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?’

Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Newfie ‘Just where the hell are you from?’

The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, ‘You tell me…..you’re the expert.!!’

 

[JayBec]

These Newfies are so smart.. We just don't give them enough credit

Fred went to a psychiatrist. 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed
I think
there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bruce. Six months
later the doctor met Bruce on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were
having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money!

A Newfie cured me for $10 and a 12-pack. I was so happy to have saved
all that money
that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a Newfie cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -Ain't nobody under ther

 

[JayBec]

Little Johnny got sent home one day from school for being bad. Upon getting home he called out for his folks but got no reply.

He heard banging and moaning coming from upstairs and went up and opened his parents bedroom door. Johnny was shocked to see his dad giving it to his mom - her knees were by her ears, she was taking it like a porn starlet - screaming all manner of things.

The folks noticed Johnny and froze. He let out a gasp and ran off. Stunned, his parents realized that this could be traumatic on their son and decided the dad should explain sex is something parents do when in love.

The dad looked all over the house and couldnt find Johnny anywhere - then he heard banging and moaning coming from Grandmas room. He opened the door only to find little Johnny railing Grandma just banging her senseless, pumping away with her legs in the air. The dad yelled, What the f*ck are you doing?to which Johnny replied not so much fun when its your mom eh?

 

[JayBec]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

 

[JayBec]

A man was having sex with his girlfriend and when he was done he threw his used condom out the window.

His girlfriend said she wanted to go again but he didn't have another condom, so he went outside too get the old one.

A dumb blonde was holding it. He said, "Can i have that back."

She said "What this twinkie?"

He said "Ummm yea sure the twinkie."

She said "20 dollars."

So he gave her the money and the blonde gave back the condom and went home.

The blonde's friend asked where did she got the $20 from?

She said, "I sold some guy a twinkie but I ripped him off. I sucked all the cream filling out it before i gave it back."