Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

Mole Family
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole all live together
in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks
his head out of the hole, sniffs the air
and said, 'Yum! I smell maple sy rup!'
The mama mole sticks her head
out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said,
'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying
to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air,
but can't
because the bigger moles
are in the way.
This makes him whine,

'Geez, all I can smell is....


MOLASSES!

 

[green-horn]

A friend of mines grandson got lost at the shopping mall..........

He was in tears as he approached a uniformed security guard and said,

"I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

Pilsner beer, and women with big tits."

 

[Phyer Phyter]

Skeeter being the town drunk has never had a job for more than a week. During his usual monthly visit to the unemployment office he staggers in wreaking of cheap wine and feces and urine. Finally after 2 hrs wait the guy at the counter hangs up the phone and calls Skeeters number. Skeet gets up to the counter and slurs "My name is Skeeter, I am lookin for a job, I can do any job you give me, clean outhouses, wash dishes I'll do anything.
The man on the other side of the counter says "Well yer in luck. Today is your lucky day. That was Paris Hilton's dad just on the phone, He is looking for an escort for his daughter Paris. If she wants to go to New York on a shopping spree you go with her. If she wants to take the family jet to Milan for a new dress, you go with her, If she wants to go clubbin in Los Angeles you go with her. Anywhere she goes, you go. But wait it pays a fantastic $1000.00 a day."

Skeeter just about has a heart attack and blurts. "NO WAY, YER KIDDIN ME!"

The guy behind the counter snickers and says "Well you started it..."

 

[Phyer Phyter]

A man walks into a bar carrying a bag. He reaches into the bag. He pulls out a little piano. He pulls out a little chair. He then pulls out a twelve inch man who sits at the piano and starts playing Mozart.

"That's amazing," the bartender says. "Where did you get the little man?"

The man pulls out a lamp and tells the bartender to rub it. Out pops a genie.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only," the genie tells the bartender.

"That's easy," the bartender tells the genie. "I want a million bucks."

Just then the door opens and a duck walks in, then another. Soon the bar is full of ducks.

"I think your genie is a little hard of hearing," the bartender tells the man. "I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"He is hard of hearing," the man tells the bartender. "Do you honestly think I wished for a twelve inch pianist???"

**************************************

In a college biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A female raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct", responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor, absoultely straight-faced, answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat

 

[whitegold]

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?'

God said, 'Go down into that valley.'

Adam said, 'What's a Valley?'

God explained it to Him. Then God said, 'Cross the river.'

Adam said, 'What's a River?'

God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill....'

Adam said, 'What is a hill?'

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'

Adam said, 'What's a cave?'

After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'

Adam said, 'What's a woman?'

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'

Adam said, 'How do I do that?'

God first said (under his breath), 'Geez.....'

And then, just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley,

Across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, His patience wearing thin, saidangrily, 'What is it now?'

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*
'What's a headache?

 

[green-horn]

In a recent news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella
Was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena..

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper
thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with .....

?




?




?




?




?







A Misdewiener!

 

[green-horn]

From the American Association Of Retired People

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum
Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger, women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ."
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?


A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

 

[green-horn]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What's going on?'

'Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Gilles Duceppe, Stephane Dion & Jack Layton. They're asking for a $10 million ransom otherwise they're going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, 'How much is everyone giving, on average?'



'Most people are giving about 4 litres.'

 

[shan]

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

People born between 1946 and 1959 are called The Baby Boomers.

People been born between 1960 and 1979 are called Generation X, .

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y ,

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
I always thought it was because they say.... you know;

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently

 

[Popsiclestand]

That by far is the Best joke I have read in a while. Even though I am of that Generation!

 

[green-horn]

STEPHEN HARPER was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Harper if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.

Incorrect,said Harper. That would be an accident.

A little girl raised her hand: If a school bus carrying fifty children
drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.

'I'm afraid not',explained Harper, that's what we would refer to as a great loss''

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Harper searched the room.

Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

If a plane carrying you and Mr. Ignatieff and Mr. Layton and Mr. Duceppe and you were struck by a 'friendly fire'
missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

Fantastic, exclaimed Harper, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?



Well, said Johnny, it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a accident either!

 

[RETODD]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked,

'Are these my brains'?

'No, Not yet,' she replied.

 

[green-horn]

SEX WITH AN OLDER
>MAN

>When George
>Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah
>Winfrey. Oprah asked, "Mr Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are
>always working
>and at your age I think that is remarkable."
>
>Mr Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when
>I do it."
>
>Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
>
>George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at
>it..."
>
>Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
>
>So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe I have
>ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man."
>
>George said, "The second time is even better than the first time."
>
>Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
>
>George said, "Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your
>left
>hand and my penis in your right hand, and wake me up in thirty minutes..."
>
>When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself
>with joy.
>
>She said, "Oh Mr Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance
>and have it be better than the first time.. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
>
>George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my
>testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me in
>thirty minutes."
>
>Oprah said, "Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"
>
>George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole
>my wallet!"

 

[green-horn]

LETS OFFEND EVERYONE


Redneck couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for fudge's sake:d stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not fudging listening'
_____________________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

_______________________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later.

I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fudges off.

__________________________________________________

Today a native was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Regina police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

___________________________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today. Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

____________________________________________________

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

______________________________________________________

 

[whitegold]

Cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK," the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Three hookers were talking.

The first one said "I had a Fireman last
night".

The second one asked how she knew he was a
fireman, and the first one replied "I saw his badge."

The second hooker said "Well I had a
policeman". The first one asked how she knew he was a
policeman. The second hooker replied "I saw his gun."

The third hooker then joined in and said "Well I had a farmer from Saskatchewan last night".

The other two replied "How do you know he was a farmer"?

The third hooker replied "First he said it cost too much, then he said that it was too dry,

then he said it was too wet, and when we were through he asked if I had any free hats!!"

 

[green-horn]

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”
The policeman asks, “Really?
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”


“My wife”, comes the reply.

 

[green-horn]

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When he gets done with writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an a-hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has such a bad driving record he is about to lose his license and has hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket you issued my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir?

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for a-hole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!"

 

[green-horn]

[COLOR="DarkGreen"]I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'

Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, and vodka into urine. I do it every day and I really enjoy it. [/COLOR]

 

[whitegold]

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted..
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman
who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.


In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.
But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!