Required: Sense of humor

[JayBec]

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

Q. How can you tell when a blonde is dating and not in a serious relationship??
A. By the buckle print on her forehead.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F#$k, Etc."

 

[JayBec]

Q. Why do women have small feet?
A. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink

Q. How can you tell when a blonde is dating and not in a serious relationship??
A. By the buckle print on her forehead.

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F#$k, Etc."

sorry i heard these today and thought they were pretty funny

 

[JayBec]

Q. Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A. Because her boyfriend was blonde too.

This guy was driving in a car with a blonde. He told her to stick her head out the window and see if the blinker worked.
She stuck her head out and said, 'Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes...'

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.
The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry u...p, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

 

[green-horn]

The Male Cycle



When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

 

[green-horn]

n 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.


The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.


As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.


The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.



Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.



Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.



The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.

He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.



The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.




Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[Summitric]

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe...as it happens, near Transylvania . They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard.
Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.
Suddenly, the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control
the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog.
Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the
road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads
towards the light, which is coming from a large, old
house.
He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in, and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely.. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab.
Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.
"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music
Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:




















"Master, Master!.....The
Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

(I am soooooo sorry.....but you really should've seen that one coming!!)

 

[green-horn]

We had a girl to stay; her name was Virginia .
We called her Virgin for short, but not for long.

Whenever you see a woman and an opportunity - don't screw the opportunity!

 

[green-horn]

Question - What is Female Viagra?

Answer - Jewellery.


The saddest part of a Man's body are his Balls. The Lord Almighty sentenced them to : Hang unto Death !

What is the definition of a Lesbian?

Yet another Damn Woman trying to do a Man's job!!

 

[green-horn]

Sex and shopping have one thing in common

In both the cases, men start sweating in 15 minutes and women want to go on and on and on and on!

What is Fashion Designing?

Too many brains working on too little clothes with too many ideas on how to cover two little areas.

 

[RETODD]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite,
I took off my pants,handed them to your Mother, and said, 'Here, try these on.''

She did and said, 'These are too big. I can't wear them.'

I replied, 'Exactly.. I wear the pants in This family and I always will.'

Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.

'Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here, try these on..!

She tried them on and said, 'These are too large. They don't fit me.'

Mike said, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family And I always will.
I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine !

Mike did and said, 'I can't get into your panties.'

Karen said, 'Exactly, and if you don't change your smart-ass attitude, you never will.'

 

[green-horn]

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.'
And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear
and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde
strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Irishman. With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed
pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, and takes a long drag.
'Faith and begorra,'said the man, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey' asked the blonde?.

Trembling, the castaway replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve
unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.
'Tis nectar of the gods!' stated the Irishman. 'Tis truly fantastic!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit,
right down the middle.

She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!'

 

[green-horn]

This may be the best quote of the decade.

Judge Judy to prostitute : 'So when did you realize you were raped?'
Prostitute, wiping away tears:'When the check bounced.'

 

[green-horn]

I saw a Muslim fall into the Bow River yesterday and being a responsible citizen, I informed the emergency services.

It's 6:00 PM and they still haven't responded!

I'm now starting to think I've wasted a stamp.

 

[whitegold]

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to
earth. I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

 

[green-horn]

In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.

The following conversation was heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz.



Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter. Send 'em up, I'll wait.'
Air Defense Radar: (total silence)

 

[green-horn]

Morning Sex"
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only
The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
Softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming
Or this is going to be my lucky day!"
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then
Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
Her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,
"What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[green-horn]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church's pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point! Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.


The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"





















...Apparently the correct answer is ' Fiji Islands'.

 

[Cyle]

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest during our church's pot-luck dinner last night by 1 point! Not only did I get the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.


The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"





















...Apparently the correct answer is ' Fiji Islands'.

Bahhh! Good one, actually LOL'd pretty hard :d

 

[shan]

sorry if this is a repeat

Why Parents Have Grey Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Marcy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion.... Dad she's pregnant.

Marcy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Marcy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Marcy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

 

[shan]

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my GREAT WEEKEND!'

See.......Not All Seniors Are Senile