Required: Sense of humor

[RETODD]

 

[RETODD]

How to Survive !!!

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD7PB-6TWrg&feature=player_embedded#[/media]!

 

[green-horn]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.
His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,

A rubber glove

And a beer .




When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam..

I know what the K-Y is for

And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?


At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
He flung the door open and yelled to his nurse .. . . . . .

Evelyn!!! Damnit, woman

I said a BUTT LIGHT "

 

[kgr]

NEW IMPROVED BRA


Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented
a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and
prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather
sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of
men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the sh!t out of him.
__________________

 

[green-horn]

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor
columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.


A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at
one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.


Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything
he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and
a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for
now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around
being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with
lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about
32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat
spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by
somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your
roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you
wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when
you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the
future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.


After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was
thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for
something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that
I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then
they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a
little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital
garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes
you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in
my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their
MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this,
but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it
to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.


When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the
procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I
did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.


Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the
anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that
the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'
had to be the least appropriate.


'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere
behind me.


'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One
moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.

 

[green-horn]

On the subject of Colonoscopies. ..
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the
exam were quite humorous.... . A physician claimed that the following are
actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man
has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
head is not up there?'

 

[goodngrubby]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

[green-horn]

New things to learn--

I did not know that the words "race car" spelled backward still spells "race car"

I did not know that "eat" is the only word that, if you take the first letter and move it to the last, it spells its past tense, "ate"

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells: "Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, violent, non-English-speaking a__holes and take those other hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-_ss b_st_rds with you."

 

[green-horn]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?



The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk!

The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk .

We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst..


Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door ...


The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight


But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

 

[polarice]

Drunk
A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/West Virginia State line..
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley, WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, because there ain't no way I can pass that test."

 

[ferniesnow]

The Boss is like a diaper.....sticks to your Ass all day and is full of chit!

 

[my mod]

Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...


A 'Rock Hudson ' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

An 'O.J.'- got away with one.

A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.

A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Brazilian' - shaved the hole.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.

A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.

A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.

A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.

A ' Paris Hilton' - a very expensive hole.

A `Tiger Woods' - Wrong Hole.

 

[green-horn]

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when

a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and

orders a shot of whiskey. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the

whiskey then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't

you going to pay for that?" The man says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army."

The bartender says, "Alright then" and the man leaves.

A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The

man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves

him, the man drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The man says,

"Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says "Alright then" and the

man leaves.

The Scotsman gets an idea and walks up to the bar and orders a shot of

whiskey. He drinks the whiskey then starts walking out the door. The

bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that?" The Scotsman

says, "Excuse me, Castro's Army." The bartender says, "Hey where is your

big black beard?" The Scotsman thinks quickly. He lifts his Kilt and

says, "Secret Service!"

 

[green-horn]

The Newfie fisherman went to the hospital
as his wife was having a baby.
Upon arriving,
the Nurse says
"Congratulations,
your wife has had quints,
5 big baby boys."

TheNewfie says,
"I'm not surprised,
I have a penis on me like a chimney."

The nurse replies,
"You might want to consider getting it cleaned,
the babies are all black."

 

[Summitric]

What Gets Longer When Pulled,


Fits Between your Boobs,


Inserts Neatly in a Hole


AND Works Best When Jerked?


Scroll down......


























A Seatbelt you pervert! Buckle up!

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

AN EXPLAINATION OF LIFE

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"
Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

ARTHRITIS
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained; his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, do you know what causes arthritis?"
The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned." Then returned to his paper.
A while later the priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

[Iron Horse Racing]

Cowboy Boots or Cowboy Hat?

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, are in Alberta. Bert always wanted a Pair of authentic cowboy boots. So seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home, walking proudly.

He walks into the house and says to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope.'

Frustrated Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'
Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?

'Nope,' she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS !!!!!

To which Margaret replies...'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

 

[RETODD]

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out
of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the
job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he
might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million,
he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is
that he embezzled from me."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.

Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are
talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask
him again!"

The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried
behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the
trigger."

 

[polarice]

Dreaming Numbers
I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my buddy Matt. I walked up to him and mentioned that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last. Matt listened intently as I told him that the dream consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number "5." It was made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.
Matt's curiosity was peaked. I went on to say that the first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily racing digest and look up the fifth race.

Matt raised an eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race was named "The Fifth Element." Matt started grinning. Then I told Matt point-by-point what I did that day.

- I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five cups of coffee

- I went for a five mile jog to clear my head

- I took a five minute shower

- I dressed in the fifth suit I found in my closet

- I sat in my car for five minutes before starting it up

- I drove to the racetrack and parked in the fifth stall in the fifth row

- I entered through the fifth admissions gate

- I bought five programs

- I went to the fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race

- I went and sat in the fifth row of the bleachers making sure there were five people sitting on either side of me.

I settled in and waited for the race to start.

"Well," said Matt. "Did the horse win?"

I frowned at Matt and said, "Stupid horse came in fifth."