Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"
when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control
when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

 

[green-horn]

Randy drove his new white Corvette out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 130 km/h, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing," he thought as he flew down the 401 towards Hamilton, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Ontario Provincial Police patrol car behind him, blue and red lights flashing. He floored it to 160 Km/h, then 180, then 200.


Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the OPP'S arrival.


Pulling in behind him, the Officer walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a good reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."


The gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an OPP officer. I thought you were bringing her back."


"Have a good day, Sir," replied the Officer.

 

[green-horn]

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this.)

Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying,"Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."

 

[john s]

Please keep them coming green-horn you make me and my wife cry with laughter.:d:d

 

[green-horn]

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

Sometimes I wonder...
"Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"
.....and then it hits me!

Some people are like slinkies....
they're really good for nothing
But they still bring a smile to your face
when you push them down a flight of stairs.

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced.
Think of your 3 closest friends...If they seem okay, then you are the one!

 

[green-horn]

A poem about tomatoes.................................


I know a Paki whose name is Jim,
I like to lob tomatos at him,
tomatos are soft and don't hurt the skin,
but these suckers do,
they're still in the tin!

 

[green-horn]

A little girl asked her Mom, Mom, may I take the dog
for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, No, because she is in heat.
"What's that mean?"asked the child.
Go ask your father, I think he's in the garage.
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to
come to you.
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here" He took a rag, soaked
it with gasoline, And scrubbed the dog's backside with it
to disguise the scent, and said OK, you can go now, but
keep Belle on the leash, and only go one time round the
block.
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with
no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

(YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)

The little girl said,"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[RETODD]

A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below.

He descended further and shouted to the lady "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am"

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon,
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.. You're between
40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west
longitude."

"You must be in IT," said the balloonist.

"Actually I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have
told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your
information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been
much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or
where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large
quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but
now, somehow, it's my f***ing fault..."

 

[green-horn]

I was in Timmy's recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod. ...and how was your day?

 

[green-horn]

What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?






For bird flu you need tweetment, and for swine flu you need oinkment

 

[green-horn]

THE SENSITIVITY OF SENIORS.

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School
Principal's office in West
Vancouver after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An
elderly
lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was
writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you
know
who might need a lift today


Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior
Citizens
luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for
the
Aged. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to
thank
you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never
let
me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and
understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could
tell
her to __ck off.


Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely,


Betty

 

[clint/KTM/16]

The Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said,
“Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary
plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would
be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic
looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn't hear me over
those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the
main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one.”

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, “Well, sweet-cheeks,
in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch.”

 

[clint/KTM/16]

sorry if already posted!



Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He

figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even

though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went

around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly,

but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was

quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but

the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the

same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the

camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two

weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a

seat belt. You can't fix stupid.

 

[whitegold]

OLDER GUYS!!!

I was in Costco the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a
young guy...

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I
guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my
wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look
like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big
blue eyes, long legs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and
no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Older guys are helpful like that.

 

[whitegold]

> A business man got on an elevator.
> When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and greeted him with a
> bright, "T-G-I-F."
> He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
>
>
>
> She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
>
>
>
> He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
>
>
>
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
> and said as sweetly as possibly,
> "T-G-I-F."
>
>
>
>
> The man smiled back to her and once again,
> "S-H-I-T."
>
>
>
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
>
>
>
> 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it,
> duuhhh?"
>
>
>
>
>
>
> The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh
>
>
>

 

[whitegold]

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by
circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, My wife and I,

listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands
and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's
favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently, and whispered,
'Robin Hood-All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy.........

 

[Summitric]

2010's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Newfie replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

[green-horn]

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canadians:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May,
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once, You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada ..

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada ..

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km -- you're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada ..

If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada .

(this is my favourite, because how true)

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly', You may live in Canada .

 

[green-horn]

WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS


Jim and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly

Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.

He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Jim whips out his cell phone and calls 911.


He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is dead! What should I do?"


The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,



"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."


There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.


Jim comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"

 

[green-horn]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who

was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his
rounds, so the community

could become used to a new doctor.



At the first house a woman complains, 'I've been a little sick to my
stomach.'



The older doctor says, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh
fruit.

Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does
the trick?'



As they left, the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman?

How'd you come to the diagnosis so quickly?'



'I didn't' have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in
there?

When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in
the trash.

That was what probably was making her sick.'



'Huh,' the younger doctor said 'Pretty clever, I think I'll try that at
the next house.'



Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a
younger woman.

She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did and
said, 'I'm feeling terribly

run down lately.'



'You've probably been doing too much work for the Church,' the younger
doctor told her?

'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'



As they left, the elder doctor said, 'I know that woman well, your
diagnosis is almost certainly correct,

but how did you arrive at it?'



'I did what you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when
I bent down to retrieve it,

I noticed the preacher under the bed.'