Required: Sense of humor

[green-horn]

WINTER Poem



It's winter in Canada

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At thirty-five below.



Oh, how I love Canada

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.



Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Canada

Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

 

[Mud Mum]

OMG... THAT CUCKOO CLOCK IS GOOD.... BAHAHAHA. MY WIFE'S BEEN THERE.... HAHAHAHA

My son and I are both sitting here with tears in our eyes. My stomach is killing me. That's better than a bunch of crunchies. :d

 

[Mud Mum]

I haven't read all 78 pages yet, so if this is a repeat...sorry.
D

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $30.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $31.00
==========



Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, use your debit card for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, (debit $20), drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car..

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16" box wrench.

9) Give up and use crescet (adjustable) wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan..

21) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy..

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20..00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

 

[crazy_wheeler]

Windshield Bug


A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his
deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and
sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.


Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter.
The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then
flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck
was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything
sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It ... it was only
a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a
moment said... 'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

 

[Mud Mum]

Handy Garage Tools

*DRILL PRESS*: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

*WIRE WHEEL*: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
'Oh ****'

*SKILL SAW*: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

*PLIERS*: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

*BELT SANDER*: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

*HACKSAW*: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

*VISE-GRIPS*: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*OXYACETYLENE TORCH*: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a race bearing...

*TABLE SAW*: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

*HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK*: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

*BAND SAW*: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

*TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST*: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

*PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER*: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

*STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER*: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

*PRY BAR*: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

*HOSE CUTTER*: A tool used to make hoses too short.

*HAMMER*: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

*UTILITY KNIFE*: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts and especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

*SON of a ***** TOOL*: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a *****' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

[green-horn]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.


Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.


Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3 . July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House Wares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing Management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ''Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna Look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[Mud Mum]

I urgently needed a few days off work but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy', and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days .'

I jumped down and walked out of the office. . .
When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

'. . And where do you think you're going?!'

(You're gonna love this . . . . )












She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

 

[Mike270412]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a
Surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby was born,
They rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom
Are crying and screaming but over in the corner, one baby is smiling
Serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she
Points out the happy child is theirs. "Isn't it wonderful!" one gay says
To the other. "All these unhappy babies and yet our baby is so happy.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!" The nurse says, "Oh sure,
he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out
Of his azz".

 

[Summitric]

CATHOLIC COFFEE


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,


slim,


tall,


38D breast,


24" waist and


34" hips.


When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

 

[goodngrubby]

History.

In 1872 the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine


In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

 

[green-horn]

Sex with a white woman??

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one
says to the other, "You ever
notice after you have sex with a white
woman that your eyes burn, your nose
burns and you get all
teary-eyed? "

The second black guy says,"Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

 

[green-horn]

A Pakistani dies and goes to Heaven.

He knocks on the Pearly Gates and St. Peter opens them.

"Yes?", asks St. Peter.

"I am here for Jesus", says the Pakistani.

St Peter turns around and shouts, "Jesus, your taxi's here"

 

[green-horn]

Kermit the frog died today. He was the 31 st victem to die of swine flu. His last words were: That pig told me she was clean!!

 

[green-horn]

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to Ignatieff and his bid to be the PM of Canada .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, he's a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.
. . . 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb a$$ put him up there to begin with'.

 

[green-horn]

Yesterday, I checked into a motel room and said to the receptionist, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she said, "it's regular porn, you sick bugger."

 

[heavy d]

TORONTO has got a new LEAF blower

 

[whitegold]

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND

Before you return from your overseas trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway…. Fortunately I really didn’t get hurt so please don’t worry too much, I was coming home from Greenwood Avenue and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent and the pick up came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You now how much I love you and car for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again,,, your loving wife XOXO



P.S. YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED……

 

[Mud Mum]

The funny this with ^^^ that picture^^^ I've seen it before and the vehicles had Alberta plates on them.

 

[goodngrubby]

A man in newfoundland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Newfoundland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

 

[Mud Mum]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......betcha the pig knows that)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)